HowTo:Kill Windows

Throw that cretin to the ground - no more windows! - be free, let your rage fuel your hatred!

Picture this: You're sitting quietly at your desk, working on that latest company report or other important document when suddenly BANG! The screen blows up your program freezes! What to do, what to do? Trying to remain calm, you take a deep breath, and follow your training you reach for the red telephone, clicking the ominous "Red X" in the upper-right of the program. But - nothing happens!

You repeat this, starting to shake, sweating profusely, all to no avail. A message flashes across the screen - "This program has stopped responding". You reach for the wastebasket and vomit. Quivering with fear, you press the 3 keys, delivering your ultimatum to the computer - and click to neutralise the threat to your computational stability - but nothing happens. Now vibrating like a tuning fork, you walk over to the safe, and extract the gun that you have been told never to use. Desperately trying to calm yourself, you take aim at the computer and fire. And fire again. And again, pummeling that stupid redmond-run sonuvabitch with hot lead - yes! This is for all the times I've lost my data, the blue screen of death, numerous reboots - all gone! In a sweet moment, you are set free! Nothing can stop you now, no-one. They'll never cage you down. You hear a knock at the door. You hear a voice: "Is everything okay in there?" Oh no! They're coming to chain you down! Think, think, think! Ah-ha! The gun - no! That would be evil - unless. These thoughts race through your mind as you point the gun at your head and pull the trigger, relaxing as you do so...

Okay, so unless you're a deranged moron who happens to be stupid enough to run windows on a nuclear missile control room, this is probably a little fantastic for you. Still, everyone feels some degree of frustration towards Windows sometimes. Here we provide a simple guide in shutting down your apps, slowly progressing through the many steps of the ancient art of Shú-t-dó-wn, a legendary discipline of control. Starting in the most reasonable of ways, we begin...

The Boring Way

Take your misbehaving app and attempt to close it with the "Red X". If this doesn't work, attempt to close it by punching in CTRL-ALT-DEL - a sacred word, remember it well, along with DLL-HELL - and ending it in the task manager. If this isn't working, you are ready to move onto the next step...

The Frustrated Way

A good way to prepare for this step and the following is to drink too much, not get enough sleep, and forget your Ritalin. Now, repeatedly click on the cross button until the screen is completely bogged down in error messages or your mouse burns out. Repeat the process of CTRL-ALT-DEL until you have RSI in both hands. Still nothing? Continue down the path.

The Angry Way

Now, this computer is misbehaving - you've got to show him who is the master here, and who is the puppet. Who's the daddy?

Waste-paper bin at the office.

You tell the computer - you speak the mind. You tell that brat what it's got to do. As you do this, repeat the previous two steps, click the "Red X" and CTRL-ALT-DEL, increasingly getting more and more brash and rude to that computer - don't worry, it's only your puppet. Hurl all sorts of profanities and grab the screen, shaking it violently, threatening to strangle it.

The Philsophical Way

Soon you will have realised that, actually, this is all useless, as your computer is not likely to have speech recognition software installed. However, calm yourself and force yourself to be reasonable. Contemplate what you have done wrong, what the computer has done, and write it down, weighing out the moral and ethical conundrums and issues associated. Submit your conclusions to your opponent, Mr. Smarmy Windows. He will probably remain dumbfounded over your staggering and overwhelming arguments. Stuff this down his throat and into a corner. However, a cornered enemy is the most dangerous - it may do nothing at all, in which case will provoke you further. If so, read on...

The Psychopath Way

This time, the computer has gone too far. No one deserves to be played around with like this - so the best course of action is to just simply snap.

Lash out violently at the screen, kick the box, all the while administering "physical maintenance" to the system, seeing your suffering melting away, like butter. However, if that wretch of an automaton so much as blinks, skip ahead to the next section. If not, assess the damage and fees to the tech-repair company.

And so we return to the beginning of the story. You stand, facing your ugly robotic opponent. You showed him who was the boss, but he didn't listen, no that punk, just stuck his heels in. Well, we'll change that right now. We return to our original scene, where we saw the fool shoot his computer. "Well I'd guess he's not so stupid now anymore, is he?", you think as you clean the smooth barrel of your shotgun. Scream into the air three times: "Allahu Ahkbar!" "Allahu Ahkbar!" "Allahu Ahkbar!" while you declare war on this infidel. Say DIE, DIE, DIE YOU SICK BASTARD!!!, DIE!!!!!!!!!, AS YOU PLUNG YOUR SWEET, SWEET FINGER OF DEATH STRAIGHT INTO IT'S SNEERING, GLOWING BLUE BUTTON AND HOLD IT THERE FOR FIVE SECONDS, SLOWLY CHOKING ALL THE LIFE OUT OF IT UNTIL IT TURNS OFF.. Now most people would just call this restarting. But nooow, nooow, nooow, they don't know the pain.. they don't know the pleasure.. they don't understand the pain it's caused you.. and the sweet, sweet pleasure you get from taking life.. the REVENGE!, This must be how it feels like to stab someone.

Aw crap, now I just lost all my data.

The E^e^e^Evil Way

Run Google Earth on it with Half Life 2 - at the same time. Egad! No! Only if you're really sadistic.

Take comfort

You could always use Linux instead. Come to the dark side!