HowTo:Bite Nails

HowTo:Bite Nails is an effective guide to biting nails from an expert pen. That is to say, from an expert's pen. I mean, written with a pen by an expert in nail biting. Actually, it is most probably from an expert keyboard. That is to say, an expert's keyboard of a personal computer or a laptop. Meaning, typed on a keyboard of a computer or laptop owned by an expert in nail biting.

Foreword

This article has been written in concern for the people who would like to bite their nails but can’t, mostly because they don’t know how to. Biting nails requires a certain knack which most people believe to be genetic, but is in fact incurred while watching our parents/siblings do so. Not that it makes much of a difference, really. Some people find it disgusting anyway. How does it matter where you got it from, genetically or from reading informative articles like this? Some people find it disgusting anyway.

Most people loathe biting nails; perhaps because they don’t find it hygienic, or because they think that nails are filled with dirt which is transferred to our body through our mouth if we bite nails, blah, blah, blah. But I would like to remind you that how dirty or clean our nails are depends on how we keep them. Some people bite nails with things inside them for added flavour. Clean nails or unclean nails, some people find it disgusting anyway.

Disclaimer

Any consequences that occur after reading this article are not my responsibility. I am not responsible for any habit inculcated (Only a person with a corresponding size of intelligence will advance to that stage). I shall not be held responsible for, or claimed compensation from, for any drop in the sale of nail-cutters. And oh, I almost forgot, I mean FINGERNAILS, and not TOE NAILS. Please refer to articles based on Yoga or allied subjects to reach thar far.

Initial Precautions

I would recommend you to make some initial checks, so that you will be clear about all the things needed and proceed to the MAIN thing without any interruptions and objections.

You might have to consider the implications of people finding you unhygienic for biting nails. People really don't care, but they find it disgusting anyway.

Unfortunately, another stumbling-block in your quest to master worldy arts is PARENTAL ACCEPTANCE or something similar to it which means much the same thing - Would your family accept a nailbiting social outcast? (That may mean you should have a nail-biter in your family. Unless you have one in your family, the chances of your parents agreeing to your biting nails are miniscule) If they don’t want one, its probably a bad idea, give it up becomes too late to do so. The last thing you want is your parents to disinherit you. People have been known to disown their children for wearing the wrong colour of clothes. Sigh. Thank God, people sometimes are saner than insane people.

Think it over.

Secondary Initial Precautions

First, decide whether you are serious. (If you are, don't try to bite nails. Research has shown that biting nails seriously can lead to Serious Nailbiting Disorder, which causes people to bite nails in a serious state of mind)

Make sure your nails are clean. Remember, nail-biting DOES NOT include taking in the dirt in nails.(Eat at your own risk. I hope you’ve read the disclaimer). Unless you have a thing for flavour. If you have been careful enough to have your fingers experienced (I think I mean dipped, dirtied, etc) in a myriad of things, you might manage to taste Betty Bott's Every Flavoured Beans' flavours all at once.

Although being a nail-biter would mean defying social etiquette and also ignoring other's warnings, advice and disgust, it is advised that your practice sessions take place in solitude. You will be at your weakest in your strength of belief, and might be put off the course in your noble quest of worldly arts, in this instance, biting nails.

Make sure your teeth are strong enough to cut through keratin (that’s what nails are made of – dead cells – keratin). If you think that your teeth can break if you try, DO NOT try to bite you nails. If, however, you are not to be put off the course of your pursuit of worldly arts, I recommend the use of a toothpaste to clean your teeth. Please complete the aforementioned exercise twice daily for at least six months before you venture to bite nails again. (Did I mention you need teeth to bite nails?)

The MAIN Thing

STATUTORY WARNING: BITING NAILS CAN BE INJURIOUS TO HEALTH.
I am compelled to place a warning to avoid future conflicts and allegations that a prior warning was not included. Anyway the law demands it. For all injuries to health caused by nail-biting, ask people who find it disgusting.

Choose the nail you want to bite. Make sure it is big enough, so you don’t end up hurting yourself. Smaller nails count as the next level of challenge, which will test your nailbiting skills. Wait until you pass from novice to expert for that.

Put the nail between your top and bottom rows of teeth and push you teeth as close to the skin of the finger as you dare. Any closer, you don't dare.

Start at the very edge/corner of the nail and increase the pressure till the nail cuts. I mean the pressure of your teeth bearing down upon the nail. If you think your nails are exceptionally strong, refer to the last section dealing with 'Failures And Remedies'.

Then, either go cutting the nail all the way around (to the other end, corner, until the nail breaks (or is it tears?) and falls down, out of sight into the dreary realms of the junkyard under the couch, to join millions of companions that have been provided so you don't commit a sin by isolating a nail from its 4 brothers and 5 cousins. Not that they won't join that one if you succeed, and stay on your fingers) or, if you think you can do it, pull the rest of the nail out just like that. This could be risky. Make sure you don’t cut too close to the skin. It hurts like the devil if you do. (This is personal experience, don’t take it lightly). The problem with cutting too close to the skin is that it hurts for as long as it takes to grow the nail back. Experiment to experience at your own risk.

Now repeat the process with the other nails, so that you don't commit a sin by isolating a nail from its 4 brothers and 5 cousins and rendering it lonely. Wait, its companions have been provided under the couch. Make sure you sit on the couch.

It might take some time to get used to biting nails and getting used to not ask your mother to cut them with a nail cutter, so don’t worry if you feel weird at first. Remember not to forget that you've already bitten your nails and don't need to get them cut with a nail-cutter.

I cannot guarantee a perfect or at least a smooth/neat cut. Your nails will be rough and irregular for the first few tries. (Believe me, the first few can be the forever few if you don't practice. Practice makes a man perfect.)

Try to remember that (I hope you’ve got more memory than a gold-fish, you'll need it) it will take you at least a month's experience to get a satisfying cut. That's considering it'll take you approximately a week to grow your nails to a biteable size. Individual results may wary...er, I mean, will vary.

Failures And Remedies

What? After this carefully presented guide written by a skilled expert you were not able to bite nails?? Sheesh, one'd think you'll have better learning capacity. Try, try again until you succeed. Not that I mean to undermine you or anything, but some children can bite nails at the age of six. I did too, when I was that age.

If your nails proved to be too strong for your teeth to break through, then you might have to face the possibility that your teeth are too weak. You might want to go back up to the Secondary Initial Precautions section to find a solution.

If no matter what you do you are unable to bite nails, then I am sorry, but don’t worry. Remember, such a thing as a nail cutter has been invented.

What can be better than a ‘good old’ nail cutter to give your nails that perfect cut?