HowTo:Be an absolute retard

Welcome to learning to be special. This HowTo will help you along your first steps to being a retard very, very special little boy/girl.

Retards in general

This cat is being really retarded

In this article I am talking about retards as extremely stupid people, NOT actual disabled people, because that would be far too funny. For example, running in to walls would be something that the retards I am talking about would do - in fact, this is one of their favorite pastimes. People enjoy acting like retards because it allows them to display their emotions in a way that scares other people; swallowing napalm and then a burning match would show people that you are a retard, scaring them very much, for example.

Stuff to do

How the hell did this retard end up like this?!

If you want to look like a retard in public, you could continuously try to ass rape a tree. You could press all the buttons when you get in an elevator. That would be retarded. You could crash your car for no reason. You could expose your genitals in public. (By the way you will probably get arrested for most of these things.) These are just suggestions, though; the true fun of being a retard is being creative.

How to get up off your ass and be a retard

This is an example of a public place. There are trees to rape, escalators to walk the wrong way up or down, and lots of people.

I will now give you some simple steps to get up off your arse and be a retard.

• You need to use all the power in your entire body to get up off your chair. You may even need to summon Chuck Norris to help you. You can do this by saying his name backwards.

• Walk out of your house/flat/cardboard box/bin. You may need to open a door to do this.

• Give old women Pin-Pans.

• Find a large public place.

• If you are hungry, get lunch.

• After you have eaten, run around screaming at random people, trying to steal their shoes, trying to preach homosexuality or racism or other things people hate, or bum raping a tree (If there is a tree nearby) or anything that looks like it could be bum raped.

• When people start punching you or screaming, you will know that you have successfully completed your task of becoming a retard. Congratulations! You are now well practiced in the art of retardation.

• Note that if you are a redneck, and think that you're the best thing since sliced-freaking-bread, then you have already achieved n00b/retard status.

Or, if you can't figure out how to get up off your ass, another useful option is to try to rape things from there. (Make sure you include the shouting and at least one other person is watching).

What to do next

A key aspect of being retarded is basing your techniques on those of truly great retards. (Basically people that Liberals are prejudiced against and have been brainwashed into hating with an incredible bias like that poor chap up there but without him Liberals wouldn't have anyone to really dump their unlimited hate on so he takes in good stride) Yes it's true George Bush jokes will always be funny and all "Open Minded" individuals should use them at every opportunity after all it isn't offensive when they are idiots and you are above them!!!

Now that you have successfully completed your task, you may want to run from cops but, tell yo mama what you did, or you could move on to another public place and start again. If you get arrested, then you are great retard, and other idiots will praise you. If you think that you are truly great, try acting like a retard in important places of meeting, like a town hall. This is especially fun when they are having a meeting. One of the greatest challenges for retards today is being a retard in front of The Man. This will mean a large punishment against you, but you will be exalted amongst retards, retard.