HowTo:Alienate yourself from your fellow classmates

So, you're at school huh? And you don't want any friends from school? Then you're in the right place my friend! Following this guide is guaranteed to get you hated by every male in your class AND every girl in your class will be scared of you!

Step 1 - Be a loner

Firstly, you need to be a loner. Sit in the corner like the S.O.B. you are, making sure you don't talk to anyone, not even the teacher! When approached by anyone, swear, pretend to have some sort of mental retardation, or simply ignore them. Remember the best offense is a good defense (how does that apply here though?)! Anywho, keep doing this for about a few months to a year. Bring in a netbook, play Pokémon, do things many would see as "antisocial." Remember, if you do use the laptop, make sure to have as much porn history as you can, it gets you a reputation very quickly.

Step 2 - Be gay around boys

Now that you've been partially alienated, it's time to move onto the next step! Walk behind large groups of your male counterparts, and, yes you guessed it, pretend to be gay. Stalk them and saying random things such as, "I have a boner!" or,"It's paaarty time!" in a weird voice. Eventually, all many straight guys will not like you being around, swear at you and call you "gay." When you’re in the changing room, wear pants (or briefs or whatever you Americans call them), not boxers. Skintight ones too, those that HUG the groin.

Step 3 - It's not rape if you shout "Surprise!"

By now, half of the school should hate you or be scared of you. Now it's time to take that next step forwards. Find a really popular, bitchy girl. A hot one at that, one who really makes you want to... SOOOO... stalk the really hot-bitchy-popular girl for a while, make her scared of you. When the time is right and there's lots of other girls about, while no-one is watching, run up behind her, jump and wrap you legs around her waist, almost to the point where your groin is at near her ass waist. To avoid being arrested, remember it's not rape if you shout "Surprise!" Getting a boner at this moment of time should help this along. Everyone should see this shameful hectic display and thanks to the invention of speech, everybody should hear about it! Voila, you are now sexually excluded from the whole school.

Step 4 - Hunting Christians

It doesn't matter if you are on or not, it's the principal that counts. Firstly, gather a list of Christians in you school. Go find them, and when you do, don't only anger them by saying they are horribly, horribly wrong, say that you are the God of the Atheists, quote from the Koran, or even better, find quotes from Uncyclopedia, you can never be too wrong.

Step 5 - Finishing the job

You didn't think that was the last step did you? Silly boy! Anyway, now, you need to pull something really big, or... big enough to be credited as sad. To do this you need a camera and binoculars. While sitting by your lonesome self in what ever class you have, try taking photos of girls who have skirts. Not just anywhere, but try taking it down the skirt, you know where I mean. Also, don't try hiding the camera, that doesn't get you anywhere! You want them to know you saw their pussy. Then, to further alienate yourself from the guys, why not pleasure yourself in the middle of the bathroom? Or a classroom where the teacher isn't in? It's only too far once the police get involved.

Congratulations!

You've successfully alienated yourself from the school, and ruined your chances of ever kissing a girl or losing your virginity until university. And remember to maintain that image of yours, just to make sure, here's some tips!

• Go to school wearing clothes with video game references on them, nothing screams "I am a geek" more than a Saints Row 2 hoodie.
• Bring gay porno magazines into school, just to strengthen that message.
• Jump on girls backs frequently, yelling "Surprise!"
• Remember to stalk as many people after school as you can, there's no limit to the amount of people who can mace you!