History of the World Wide Web

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An outcasted child's only friend

The History of the World Wide Web, sometimes referred to as the internet, is well known as the worst invention ever. It has become the single biggest waste of time in the history of man.

Beginning[edit | edit source]

The internet began as nothing more than one humble website called Wikipedia. On Wikipedia any person could write under a username and provide factual information without sources. The internet was good while Wikipedia held its monopoly, in fact, it was practically porn to a genius. Some n00bs got onto Wikipedia one day, and decided they just had to be the assholes to fuck everything up for everyone, so they plagairized Wikipedia and created a sister site known as Uncyclopedia. Whereas Wikipedia was filled with nothing but truth, Uncyclopedia was filled with nothing but lies and humorless puns. Although, the creator tried to spew some bullshit about HTBFANJS, no one really liked him and he was overthrown in favor of a team of Administrators known as Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde, Mr. T, and Jesus Christ. The first rule the administrators handed down was that they had to be present on every internet page, hence the mention, and so this was the beginning of the end for the World Wide Web.

Corrupted[edit | edit source]

Starbuck's led the porn charge allowing them to make a porn store on every block without people caring.

That's right the people's minds had been corrupted by the toxic waste dump known as Uncyclopedia. People began to see how they could use the internet in diabolical ways, such as wasting years of their life mastering computer technoloy and then spamming a random person's computer causing it to crash destroying all their hard work without ever getting to see a reaction. Okay, so that wasn't the best way to do it, but there were other plans, such as the group known as P.O.R.N. or People Orde Refreshments Naked. Sure it started out as a naked smoothie cafe, but soon enough there were sex tapes and naked pictures all over the internet. The benefits to pornography were obviously endless, since one received no pay in exchange for exposing themselves to random groups of strangers therefore causing it to overload the web. People's obsession with it led to several new medical diagnosis such as Sticky Fingers Syndrome, Virgin Eyes Disorder, and Help Me I Can't Stop Watching Pornography.

Personal Porn Websites[edit | edit source]

A sister website to Myspace, half as popular, ten times as many victims.

Pornography was bad enough, but personal websites helped the internet reach the point of no return. Personal websites or blogs were just places for people to post how they were feeling or write sub-par articles about subjects they half-understood. Considering no one cared about anyone else's feelings and only their own there were about two million of these blogs, all with three views all from you checking to see if anyone cared about you. These personal spaces did lead to the terrors of social networking sites though. Apparently, people became tired of talking face to face, because it made it hard to stab people in the back, so they decided to post semi-personal information with a picture on a website and suddenly became 'friends' with everyone they encountered from that site. Constant updates to ones profile such as, eating dinner, or using restroom really added to the intrigue and connected feeling the website had. Plus if you hated someone you could tell them to fuck off and then X out of a conversation with them, and if you liked someone you could accidentally say something weird and then blame it on your good friends in order to keep your inner lameness secure.

Photoshop[edit | edit source]

Main article: Photoshop
Even Administrator Mr. T fell victim to photoshop.

Photoshop sent everything spiraling downwards, soon SpongeBob was doing Bugs Bunny, Michael Jackson was a spokesman for half-and-half, and Barack Obama had an American birth certificate. Photoshop left people with the ability to take honest work and rip it off for a good laugh, it also caused schools to censor everything but their own district websites, and then fail students for not being able to work their way around the block. Chances are that as you read this you are actually photoshopping an image in another tab and just waiting for your new picture to load because your computer is so jacked up on Spyware because of all the photoshopped images out there.

Viruses[edit | edit source]

Main article: Virus
The Virus that is currently invading stupid IP! computer.

As mentioned earlier in the article Viruses are Satan's children who feast upon the technologically savy in order to gain power and eventually Digivolve. Viruses were literally invented by the biggest loser douchebag dicks in the world. You seriously have to be deranged to fucking want to crash someone else's computer for your own enjoyment. It's like burying a time bomb set one hundred years in the future beneath New York City, you know you might cause a lot of destruction and havoc, but no matter what you won't be around to see it, and for all you know it just might not work. Still these people are the most feared folk on the internet, and no one is to be trusted, hell there are even viruses that claim to be virus protectors just so you'll click on them to protect yourself while inadvertently putting yourself in harm's way, my advice to people who make those, get a job. It doesn't matter though everyone's a suspect even as I sit here and bash virus creators and viruses themselves you yourself are suspecting that I'm just another internet terrorist with the perfect disguise. [www.comcast.net] Most of you are even afraid to click that link although you know the company name and the fact that it should be perfectly safe.

Online Games[edit | edit source]

Maybe worse than viruses, although half of them are viruses. There are really two types of online games though, group 1. Dungeons and Dragons rip-offs and 2. Amateur ripoffs. We'll start with the former.

Dungeons and Dragons Rip-offs[edit | edit source]

What is meant by this is the likes of World of Warcraft and Runescape, these games are so pathetic that to even log on to one is pretty much an open admission to having no friends and no conceivable hobbies or real ability at anything whatsoever. The real point of these games is to pretend to be some type of medieval creature in order to destroy pretend dragons and stuff, but that's just the action stuff, apparently you're also supposed to work on your virtual fishing ability, fire crafting ability, and mining ability. I guess that's so if you're ever in a tight spot in a pretend mine and someone happens to discover a pretend axe you'll have the stamina to click the mouse control and stare at a screen for long hours just to break apart a fake rock. To make it even worse you can get virtual friends in these games and most of them end up dating. Someone needs to explain to explain to me exactly how that works, because from where I'm standing it seems like you look for the hottest virtual girl with the most amount of rubies and ask extremely general questions before pretending to have sex by personal messaging each other instead of doing the usual public communication, then when she asks you where you live you get so worried about giving your personal information away that you delete her from your friends list and flee to a different virtual world.

Amateur Rip-offs[edit | edit source]

Amateur Rip-offs are three level thirty second games that are created by twelve year olds to spawn the fifteenth generation of James Bond plagiarism. To actually admit to playing these means you have never won anything in your life and that you need a game where the controls are so simple that even you, the four-eyes that trips over blades of grass thrown on the sidewalk can understand. A normal control screen for these games reads: Arrows= Move, Z= Stab, X= Shoot, S= Punch, A= Kick, Objective: Kill all the bad guys before bad stuff happens. What does that even mean, why would anyone punch, kick, or stab when they have a loaded gun, the best part about the gun is that it aims itself and has unlimited ammo, so all that is required from the player is the attention span to repeatedly hit X, and barring the occasional key jam you win every time.

Worst of All[edit | edit source]

Probably the single worst thing of all spawned by the internet craze is the Microsoft assistant creature. You know what I'm talking about, that fucking Paper Clip guy who's always telling you what you're doing even though he almost never gets it right. Then every other company thought they'd rip-off that clever idea by making even dumber replicas using dogs, cats, and talking globes as their icons. The paper clip guy might as well be a virus himself, he's annoying, he's spam, and he's a convicted rapist. Anyone who likes that creep ought to be shot in the face because they have failed as a human being.

In Conclusion[edit | edit source]

The internet used to be a tool used to gain knowledge and wisdom, but is now a bubbling cesspit of worthless opinions spammers and annoying assistants. Amen!