History 101: How Christopher Columbus discovered America
“In Soviet Russia, America discovered Christopher Colombus.”
America.
Is there a greater nation on the planet? No, there isn't.
It's the best thing on the whole world. But how did it become such a wonderful nation? How and why is America...America? Well, look no further, because this is the story that will explain it all. This is the story of a brave man called Christopher Columbus and the journey of a life time.
This is how Christoper Columbus discovered America.
Childhood[edit | edit source]
Christopher Columbus was a little Italian boy who lived somewhere in Europe in the 14 hundreds. He enjoyed kiting, fishing and eating pizzas. There was however one other thing he enjoyed: ballet.
Afraid to tell his friends that he was into this unusual form of art, Columbus grew up to be a loner, something he would be until his untimely death. Columbus would spend most of his pastime alone, with his trusted tutu, pulling new moves with great steez. Come to think of it, he was one of the, if not THE best ballet dancer in Columbia. This made his childhood even more dramatic: he was the best at something no one could enjoy.
Then there was that faithful day: Columbus had turned sixteen. This was his day: he was determined to show the world his capabilities. Today, he was going to step out of the shadows, into the wonderful light of succes. This time, he wasn't going to let anyone mess around with his hopes and dreams: today, he was going to show everyone that he was into ballet.
He went to school, got in front of class, telling the teacher he had something important to say. He said:"Amigos and amigas, I 'ave someting emportant to tell to all of you. I was going to 'ide it until the day I'd die, but I cannot do it anymore. I, Christopher Columbus, am into ballet!
At first there was dead silence. You could hear a pin drop. But when it dropped, everything dropped: the entire class, including the teacher, bursted into laughter. The laughter was so loud, that after ten minutes, the entire village could hear it. Then, when they heard it, the entire village jointed in on the fun and started laughing as well. The only one who wasn't laughing at Columbus, was his mother: she kept crying for a week, shouting things in between such as: "My boy, my boy is a little homophillia!"
Discouraged by this debacle, Columbus sweared that he would never put on a tutu and dance the Swanlake ever again.
==Interest in travelling== To forget about the embarrassment at school, Columbus began to study harder then he had ever done. He got into science and into discovering. No, he wanted to explore the highest hights and He applied for a job on the "HMS Ty Baghuhr". His amazing enthousiasm gave him the job as sailor
The ship went the next day and he love to do it we 11 year olds Columbus said goodbye to his mother, saying: "Mother, I'm going to sail the seven seas. Pray for me, mother!". Unfortunately, his mother couldn't pray, because she had bursted into tears. "What wrong, mother?" Columbus said. His mother replied in tears: "Ballet, sailing? Now I know for sure that you are a homophillia!"
The journey[edit | edit source]
The mission of the trip was simple: go to India and trade with some dirty Kaste-scumbags. This however frightened Columbus: even though he had sworn never to dance ballet again, he still had some love for it. Columbus also knew that India was the most ballet dancer-hating country in the world: tutus were burned in an annual "Ballet is for dirty Westener faggots"-bonfire and ballet dancer were known to be murdered on the streets.
He wasn't the only one of the personnel who was afraid of this trip. Two days into the mission, he met a native Indian sailor. His name was Tupac Shagwhore. He was the most skilled and most infamous gangster rapper of West New-Delhi. The two immediately became good friends, as they both had their onw secret passion. Tupacs passion was hidden from him, because he had faced harsh opposition from Idian rulers for his debut album called "I gave many many whores, you know".
Good luck was on their hands however: God had eaten a huge bowl of beans on the day they passed Morroco. Then, Jesus kicked his daddy in the balls (he can do that, because he's Jesus). God then both screamed and passed gas, causing the ship to be blown into a different direction: the direction of America.
But they were not the only ones who were helping: the Founding Fathers (or Los Patros di Amerigo, as they were known to Columbus) had also heard of the ship of the two hopefuls. They though that it was time to make them the discoverers of the greatest country since ever: America. They also helped the two, by blowing into the sails. Their magic breath helped the ship to reach the coast of New York.
Finally, the two boys were free: Columbus was free to ballet dance all day long and become the greatest ballet dancer of all time an Tupac Shagwhore was free to gangsterrap the rest of his life, setting the standard for music to come within the next centuries.
Soon more Europeans followed. They were drawn to America be free to have slaves, start Walmart, be a fucking fatass and making crappy cars. After that, America took over Europe, the Middle East and Asia and they all lived happy forever under King George the 200th.
The end.
Tribute[edit | edit source]
The story of Columbus was filmed by Michael Moore in his feature film "Bowling for Columbus". In it Michael Moore explanes why America is the greatest country in the world, why all of its core values should remain forever and why gun control is for pussies.