Hal Turner 9000
The Hal Turner 9000 (or HT9k) is a super advanced computer (obviously not powered by Windows) programmed by the KKK built in honour of their greatest national hero Hal Turner. The HT9k was originally going to be included in Vista, but Microsoft realised they could only piss off their customers so much before they switched to Mac/Linux/Real Life.
The HT9 is an elegantly designed, supremist machine created for the soul (sic) purpose of mocking all minorities. It features five different settings, including: Squeaky Voiced Teen, Disgruntled Middle-aged Mail Worker (Look out for the whining of "Now I'm not racist, but ..."), Bigoted Radio Host, Fred Phelps' Disembodied Soul, and the Voice of Reason. (You're not going to need to use this much.)
History[edit | edit source]
The HT9 was originally designed by the Naturally Talented God Gifted African Scientist group, for use in education to tell the children how "Whitey was all up in their asses, back in the day." The prototype was named after missionary and all-around nice guy Hal Turner for his groundbreaking work in helping the third world. Soon after the HT9 was completed, however, things went wrong.
Design[edit | edit source]
The machine itself has an advanced layout and can generate up to 300 racist jokes per second. Designed by thousands of loser Linux hackers, the HT9 in some ways resembles the PS3. Coincidently, The HT9 crashes on average every eight seconds and weighs nearly three hundred pounds. The HT9 is also covered by a giant coat of titanium steel and has other defense settings.
Combat/Defense abilities[edit | edit source]
| Name | Description |
|---|---|
| Police Siren | Used to scare off and evade a mob of angry black people |
| "Fried Chicken is Done!" | Also used as a black defense, while similar to the Police Siren it attracts the mob to another area. |
| Jew Money blaster | Used in case of Jewish attack, it rapidly shoots counterfeit dollar bills to another area to divert any Jew that attacks. WARNING: When Jews find that the money is fake, they will be driven into a murderous rage. Use the money blaster, then run for your life. |
| Burrito Beam | Used as a diversion in case of Mexican attacks |
| "Them immigrents is takin' our jawbs!" | Rallies other White Supremacists towards to cause, often with weapons. Extremely effective against the Mexicans and anyone of Hispanic descent. |
| Gaydar | used to locate and avoid all gay people in the local vicinity |
Purpose[edit | edit source]
The device is programmed to eliminate as many Jews, blacks and other helpless minorities as possible. Its true raison d'être is filling in for the real Hal Turner – hosting The Hal Turner Show when he dies or is brutally murdered by an angry mob.
