Gopher Party
The Gopher Party is an American “anti-everything” joke party dedicated to making life for political campaigners as hard as possible. Like real gophers, members of the party have a goal to undermine, uproot and dig our holes ever deeper. A Gopher’s main meddling method is “uprooting” and removing all campaign signs in sight.
There are two types of sign-removers out there. A “Yoinker” is different from a true Gopher in that a Yoinker is a mere vandal: a Yoinker intends to hinder only one major party, while a Gopher’s goal is to fuck up both major parties. A true Gopher sees Yoinkers as “frenemies”.
A Gopher uproots campaign signs because not only is it fun to do but it pisses off people who take elections way too seriously and provides room for other third parties to enter the political scene. The Gophers also plan to make a political party that’s actually fun, just like a real party.
Alright, so you say the Gophers will never get anything done? Well, what is your vote worth? Also basically nothing!
Methods of Uprooting[edit | edit source]
It is recommended to purchase a gopher suit (or other rodent suit) to hide one’s identity while “uprooting” signs. It is also ideal to work at night, when cranky old people won’t complain.
Campaign signs are general removed by yanking them out of the ground with one’s hands, or if possibly, by kicking them out of the ground. One may dispose of signs by:
- Folding them up
- Ripping them apart
- Throwing them in bushes
- Throwing them like frisbees
- Dropping them off cliffs and into ravines
- Shoving them in trash cans
- Sticking them in holes, rain gutters and dark tunnels
- Merely leaving them on roads
- Collecting large amounts of campaign signs and selling them as Halloween decorations (since they are, of course, most abundant in October.)
Gophers are encouraged to find their own creative ways to make sure that everyone loses, because removing campaign signs gets boring after a while.
Make sure to solely advertise the Gopher Party online, because if you made signs for the party, people would remove them as well, and that would be incredibly ironic. And remember to slander both the Democrats and the Republicans as much as you can.
Slogans[edit | edit source]
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure this is legal… right?”
“I just hope they both lose.”
“Uprooting your dreams. Gnawing at your future.”
“Finally, a cause we can all stand for.”
“You actually care about legitimate issues in this country? That’s kinda cringe, bro.”
“There can be only one pest ‘round here!”
“Gopher it! Yeah, we’re cringy, we know.”
“We don’t know what we're doing, but nobody else does anymore.”
“Building a Sign-Free Future”
“Gopher’s our name, libel’s our game.”
“CIA? Deep state? Russian hackers? Illuminati? Yeah, they’re all our besties.”
“Chewing Down the Foundations of a Dying Nation”
“Fucking everything up is a human right.”
“Screwing with everything since, uhh… 2024.”
“I have no idea who any of these people are, but I wish them all a horrible next few weeks.”