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Google - Now fueled by AI slop
Google LLC is allegedly a search engine, according to the internet, existing for the sole purpose of hoovering up petabytes of your personal data in order to sell you shoes.
Founded in 1999 by Al Gore as a side hustle in case his political endeavours went south, its original goal was to provide people with easy access to websites, as a sort of Yellow Pages but without the monotony.
Now its goal more closely resembles a digital squid that has wrapped every single tendril around your life, your home, and your disposable income, refusing to let go because it loves you so much.
Its services include Gmail, Chrome, Maps, Drive, Docs, Sheets, Slides, Calendar, Tasks, Keep, YouTube, Gemini, Android, Search, Photos, Home, Assistant, Classroom, Meet, Chat, Voice, Pay, Nest, Waze, Stadia, Blogger, AdSense, Ad Manager, Analytics, Optimize, Cloud, Fi, Fiber, Domains, Translate, Earth, Scholar, Books, Patents, Alerts, Trends, Jamboard, Cardboard, Google+, Picasa, Reader, Hangouts, Inbox, Allo, Duo, Nuo, Squatch, Blexus, Focus, Nudge, Nostril, Shroud, Pylon, Dylon, Tsunami, Aurora, Flexipack, Bend, Wash, Neville, Portal, Stripes, Despair, Fingers, Zenith and approximately 147,289 more products and services.
The exact number is not known as Google have lost track.
The Graveyard of Innovation
Once a month, Google takes a beloved property used by millions, gently leads it into the back garden and ‘discontinues’ it with a shovel. This is to guarantee users’ perpetual distaste with Google and its antics - as regularly instilling rage is good for business (see Ragebait).
This ritualistic product execution is necessary because, without the constant threat of imminent destruction, users might grow complacent and stop generating the necessary panicked search traffic (e.g., 'What happened to Inbox??' or 'How to export my data from Stadia before they burn the servers down').
Typically when a service is discontinued, no less than 7 new replacements are introduced, that are also scrapped within a few months.
In cognito we trust
Google Chrome’s famed Incognito tab is highly esteemed, and completely functionless. While many mistake it for a Google-designed surveillance shield, users seem too enamoured with the idea of privacy to realise Google would never design such a thing.
Instead, it simply hides your history from yourself, and does so in a nice purple color. Meanwhile, activity inside the tab is fast tracked by Google’s servers under the internal label “THIS_IS_THE_GOOD_STUFF”.
Artificial everything
Google Gemini, internally nicknamed ‘the beast with a billion backs’ is Google’s new AI behemoth. It exists by feasting on the personal information of billions and using it to produce cold, hard facts that are ~87% incorrect.
Every few weeks, Gemini hallucinates so badly that it ends up on the front page of the Daily Mail. When this occurs, Google’s CEO performs a well-rehearsed, televised ritual in front of their headquarters, wailing skyward to beg forgiveness from a higher power - then wailing downward to beg forgiveness from the government.
Behind the scenes, however, it is a different story. The engineered chaos drives clicks, sells papers, and accelerates Google's primary agenda: the profitable construction of a post-truth society.
This calculated destruction of truth has ironically turned out to be Google's most successful project to date.
