Goat Musters
“There's only one thing worse than being talked about. That's watching this junk.”
Goat Musters is a 1984 comedy/science fiction/sheep film that stars Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Rick Moranis. It grossed just under US$100,000,000 (US$9,99 to be exact) making the most successful goat movie of the decade and #2 Best Sheep Orientated Movie of All Time (Silence of The Lambs was #1).
Origins of Goat Musters[edit | edit source]
It is said that the idea of Goat Musters came from a close personal experience of Harold Ramis. Ramis, it is rumoured, was taking a vacation with his imaginary girlfriend and went out walking near a farm specializing in goat cheese. (Some believe this was just a cheesey joke that Ramis got off the internet.) He went to see what a goat looks like up close (for, after all, he is notoriously boring). A period of extreme violence/licking followed that Ramis still has nightmares about. He managed to escape with a fraction of his original I.Q. (23% of it, actually) and serious injuries to his eyesight, face, and self-esteem.
While recuperating in his cottage, he had strange and boring visions of a goat-dominated world. When he awoke, his underpants had mysteriously changed color from white to brown, his sheets were soaking wet and his humorous writing style had completely vanished. Half concussed, he grabbed a ballpoint pen and scribbled some completely unrelated prose on a roll of toilet paper.
His return to New York, he told a very uninterested Dan Aykroyd about his new ideas for a comic blockbuster masterpiece (cough). Aykroyd, in attempt to shut Ramis up, agreed to develop this idea into a script.
After minutes of laborious work, the final script was finished.
The Plot[edit | edit source]
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Warning: The following text might contain spoilers.
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3 eccentric scientists are thrown out of their university after their findings and studies are found to be non-existent. Heart broken, they decide to open business as the 'Goat Musters'. Their work would be to track down and trap all dangerous goats in New York city and keep them out of the public's way.
When they first blast a goat to pieces with nuclear 'Proton Packs' (they then proceed to place the tiny bits in a box) their popularity grows and soon are needed all over New York to do away with extremely dangerous goats.
Meanwhile, an attractive woman, Dana Baa-it, is returning to her spooked flat (Shh...it's a secret) with her heavy shopping. When her eggs leap out of her bag and cook on her kitchen bench, she starts to suspect that there's a goat around, and it's hungry for eggs...or her bench is a scientific breakthrough. She then proceeds to open her fridgerator, close it, and then open it again (her re-fridgerator), finding that it is inhabited by a huge evil goat. After calling the Goat Musters, the goat vanished forever. (Or until later in the film, when it comes and takes over Dana's body and becomes a minion of the big baddie, which the Goat Muster's will defeat in a spectacular finale. But Shh...that's a secret too.)
At this point, most people turn off their TVs/fall asleep/die of boredom so that point is considered to be the end of the film, even though it's only 43.721% done.
Now, many people do not know this (due to their inability to continue the movie), but the movies ending is actually a choose your own ending. You can choose from ending A, which has some guy named Walter Woodpecker come and release all the goats; ending B, in which Aykroyd just talks to the camera for thirty minutes about his crystal skull vodka; or ending c, in which Murray and Ramis eat the goats, while drinking some crystal skull vodka.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Goat Muster's, despite its bad reviews, was a complete failure in all countries, except New Zealand. Coincidentally, in New Zealand, every person (and sheep) bought (well, stole) a ticket to see this film. However, in interviews with the viewers, 63% of them said something along the lines of "Dimn it, the dimn muvie dudn't hive uny sux un ut, eh." The remaining 37% were cremated the day after.
Marketing[edit | edit source]
Many comedy nerds blame the marketing for the film's flop. The taglines were a main marketing low. They included many puns and went like this:
- They're Here to Save the World Some Goat Cheese.
- Coming Here to Save the World this Sumaa.
- Who ya Gonna Call (If your City is Threatened by Rather Vicious Goats)? Goat Musters!
- A Supper-Natural Alternative for Dairy Produce.
- I Ain't Afraid of No Goat (Except Maybe Ones over 1 metre Tall with Laser Eyes and Hard Hooves like in this Movie. Movie? Oh Yes, It is Very Spectacular and Needs to be Seen by Every Single One of you Otherwise it will Flop. Logical that is, eh?)
- I'M AFRAID OF A GOAT!
References in Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
Despite being named a man made disaster, Goat Musters has been referred to by many other texts:
- Computing and Video Games:
- Common Language
- The term 'Scape Goat' is short for 'Help! Escape Goat Musters!'
- In Film
- Goat Musters spawned a parody called Ghostbusters. It was released an hour after Goat Musters.
The Work Experience Boy[edit | edit source]
The Goat Musters Work Experience Boy is considered to be a highlight of the film. Whilst mainly making tea throughout the film, he confronts a goat near the end of the movie.
In an extreme(ly short) act of violence, he fights one of the worst goats in the country. With a song in his heart and a miniature nuclear reactor in his back it looks like he will be victorious in his struggle. However, realising he's being filmed for a major Hollywood blockbuster, decides to wave to the cameras. He is then instantly incinerated.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- Goat Musters was written by and starred the same people in Ghostbusters.
- Many think that Ghostbusters is a separate movie to Goat Musters.
- Most people have never heard of Goat Musters.
- Governments all over the world voted to execute the writers.
- Goat Musters can be arranged to spell Moat Gusters.
- A person with a stutter would pronounce the title 'G-Goat M-Musters'
- Apple praised Goat Musters for grossing higher than it makes in a decade. (This is before the glorious and ultimate crap device iPod came out)
Statistics[edit | edit source]
Budget: US $99 Total Takings: Computer, TV, Stereo and camera of Number 22. Gross: Yes, very disgusting. Running Time: 23 minutes. Walking Time: 17 minutes. Sitting Time: 21 minutes. Standing Still Time: 12 minutes. Mindless Violence Time: 39 minutes. Boring Dialog Time: 123 minutes. Interesting Dialog Time: 3 minutes. Still Standing time: 6 minutes. Distributed by: Coal-under-ya Pictures.