Giant Hard-on Collider

The GHC mid-build

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Large Hadron Collider?

The Giant Hard-on Collider (GHC) is a particle accelerator complex intended to collide opposing beams of 70 TeV protons, extracted from the huffed souls of kittens. Its main purpose is to explore the validity and limitations of the Standard Model, the current theoretical picture for particle physics, which was proposed by This Guy during a bout of extended gout brought on by excessive huffing. This model is known to break down at a certain high energy level, especially when it is wet.

GHC v LHC

It is well recognised that the GHC is the product of creation by a higher force, known only as NASA. Any spurious rumours that the GHC is in any way connected with the 'evolution' of the LHC are mere speculation, and can at best be described as tish and fipsy.

For one thing they have entirely different purposes. Whilst the Lector Hannibal collider is for the most part concerned with the destruction of the known universe, the GHC is entirely dedicated to the advancement of science - a strange form of ritual dancing invented by the Greeks in the year 3 to ease their suffering at the hands of the Ming the Merciless.

“Science is in it's death throes, only a miracle can cure it now.”

~ Army Barracks Obama on Technology in the 18th Century, under the reign of King Philip I of Spain during the conquest of the Sumerian jezebels, and other short stories

How does the GHC work?

The workings of the GHC are surprisingly simple, no more complex than your average melon induction radio modulator, or even a cardboard.

the kitten tube extends into the distance

The COHSICUCIP pump

Simple schematic of a Cliebling O'Hanranatty Pump

The GHC is based on the workings of a Dyson brand vacuum cleaner crossed with a bilge pump. This highly complexifying pump is simply explained in the schematic on the left.

In the GHC several million of these large pumps are connected along a mass of blue tubing. When in action they create a magno-gravatational field which travels unidirectionally along the length of the GHC.

The Magno-Gravatational field will take some 30days to build up to operating power from the time it is initiated.

Intitiation

The GHC is due to begin operation in mid July of 2013. Many people are currently developing theories as to how they might best 'kick-start' the machine.

Indeed this has become somewhat of a business for small entrepreneurial Physisticians and retired British Army generals. Although almost all the british army generals thus far have proposed bombing the Argintinians, it is not likely that this will begin the fluctuation necessary to start the machine.

The most likely source of power necessary to begin the reaction will be provided by Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats (better known as a 'buttered-cat engine')

Sustaining the Reaction

Unlike a power reactor, the GHC will not be conserving power that can be fed back into the production loop. Therefore, it will be necessary to have a constant flow of power source into the GHC.

This will be achieved by a series of almost 200 kit-stations. These stations will be spotted at strategic locations around the GHC's length. Each station is maned by over 2 people with the onerous task of operating some 18 Kitten machines.

Kit-Station 134 - The kitten silos can hold up to 4.5 tons of kittens at any time.

Each Kit-Station is fed by 3 silos which lie above ground (for ease of filling with fresh kittens). The silos process kittens onto the conveyor belt - they are then shot down 530 meters to the station below, where they will be inducted into the kitten machine.

Cross section of the 4 Stage Automated Kitten huffing centrifugally driven turbine engine

The Kitten Machine

This ingenious device allows for the automated extraction (see Huffing) of the kitten souls at an extrememly high rate. The souls, being a covaelant stable parody of the 111th atomic element's (Unununununiunium) Atomic Mass - as such it is is the exact opposite of the very spirtitual element, and evil. The heat given off by the lack of Atomic Mass generates of 70∞/λӨ³ Megawatts of power.

This power drives each individual turbine up to speeds appraoching the Speed of Light - when all the turbines are at full potential the COHSICUCIP pumps can be initiated.

It is estimated that the entire GHC will require at least 4 billion kittens per hour to sustain its working capability. Or in simple mathematical terms:

Failed to parse (syntax error): {\displaystyle \frac{(41(Kittens)^8(\frac{Red Liquids}{3})^7-1.125(Inertia*Gravity@V/2))}{7*5^3Nm/MW Joules/Hr}=2.234*15^9(detritus of kitten corpses)+.7625(energy super-J/millisecond)}

using this self-explanatory equation, we can also prove that the level of happiness of the subject kittens (fuel) well exceeds the 2.4 minimum required by the local SPCA.

What the GHC will do for science

The ultimate aim of the GHC is to create a confirmable Higgs Boson. It will do this by creating a beam of hard-light, which will be accelerated around the GHC at speeds appraoching 10-15km/h.

It was previously thought impossible to create the hard-light required for such a process, however by chance a young MIT student by the name of Hanz Remingtonitzing left a cube of ice out in the sunlight - to his suprise he found that this had absorbed the light which then became frozen within the cubic water-based structure which was reported to be hex-facial.

When the hard light spout (HLS) has made one full turn of the GHC, it will impact with gluons left behind it... somewhat like an incredibly long snake, made of light, colliding with it's own scales which fell off when it passed the first time.

When this collision occurs massive amounts of energy will be released at a level so small that it could not even be seen with a really large microscope. However thanks to advances in technology, we are now able to shrink scientists with very keen eyes to miniscule sizes. These scientists will be keeping a careful look out for the fabled Higgs Bosun.

The Higgs Bosun, theory states he sails the seven shells of the atomic structure

The Higgs theory states that this atomic building block, known as 'The Bosun' or sometimes 'The Boson Schmee' sails on all the seven shells of each atom and bares a striking resemblance to 'actor' and child-disturber Orlando Bloom.

Criticism

There is some speculation by the nuts in Hawaii that the Boson will escape his own dimensional size, becoming a giant pirate. There is a high chance that Hawaii will be entirely destroyed by the GHC's reaction. However, this is ruled as being of little concern to the countries involved in the GHC's development, though they did acknowledge that Hawaii was quite a pretty place, and it will be a pity that it has to be destroyed.