Gaullism
“When your program crashes for no apparent reason, you're programming GAULLISM!”
“NON.. or QUI! QUI! NON! NON! QUI Vive la Résistance! Vive la Canada... NON!”
“I. Love. de. Gaulle! YEEEAAAAAAAAARARRRRARAGH!'”
“I DO have an opinion on Gaullism as well, but I can't seem to remember it... reminds me of one time I... hey, look at me, I take up an amount of space very disproportional to my IQ!”
“OBSTRUCTIONS! Unlimited obstructions!!”
Gaullism is a life philosophy named after the used car salesman Trusty Longo (known in France as Charles de Gaulle), and also the only form of government so far to have uncooperativeness and obstructiveness both as means and end. Gaullist doctrine stresses this is the sole purpose of life for every Frenchman, -woman and -dog, and only by being so uncooperative even the Finns won't work with you can you attain the state of Grandeur, which might be French, or maybe Xhosa. When you reach this state, you are legally declared incapable of any kind of cooperation with anything whatsoever, even inorganic objects such as stones and Belgian Waffle Warriors, and awarded with a medal with the inscription "you didn't think I'd actually do it, did you?" in something resembling French (which of course is not a language, but a cheese classification system, but what difference does it make? Nobody understands it anyway).
Alone among modern political ideologies, Gaullism comes with a complete model of a perfect society, from microbe arrangement to state organization, and extensive instructions to assemble all twenty-five Gaullillion different kinds of French cheese (yes, cheese is assembled, not bred... or grown... or whatever), which takes up approximately 99.5368% of the book, Le book de Gaullism, in which de Gaulle explained his deranged dreams, using sentences structured after the special French Verb-Verb-Object-Subject-Verb-Subject-Subject-Subject-Subject pattern. Even though no information has come out of France since 1963, it is widely assumed no one ever actually read the book, least of all de Gaulle himself.
A special trait for Gaullism is the fact that in a Gaullist system, you only need one press office, no matter how many ministries you have, since their only function is to broadcast the message "NON! NON! NON!" to everything and everyone, every single moment of every single day of every single ye... well, I guess you've gotten the point. In France, which ministries are said to number something approaching 5,242½, this means a lot less paperwork, which is counteracted by an order stipulating that all press messages are to be copied in 5,202,194 handwritten copies, and then torn apart by angry midgets. Watching that unfold is a shortcut to Grandeur, by the way.
Roots[edit | edit source]
Back during Cake Walk II, the Frenchmen got so badly beaten by the Taco Nazies that they entered a mass psychosis and created their own reality, in which they ruled the world and Marie Curie was the father of God (later proven to be correct). According to French legend, Charles de Gaulle, a distinguished general who'd only lost a few hundred battles, wrote his famous book one night and released it the next morning. However, all historians agree that he did in fact not write it on purpose, but rather by vomiting all over his typewriter with a special kind of French super-heavy vomit, which pressed down a series of buttons, thus writing the entire book, but that didn't prevent the book from becoming a smash hit and selling more than sixty trillion copies. de Gaulle, overwhelmed by his success, then decided to invade England on his own, but choked on a special kind of French "pebble cheese". He was promptly replaced with a clone, and France was on its way to its Gaullist destiny.
Gaullist France[edit | edit source]
When all of France converted to Gaullism, the most visible effect was the total breakdown of everything. With the entire population utterly incapable of interacting with anyone or anything, all contact with the outside world collapsed, and no attempt to revive it has ever been made. All governments of the world then decided to build a four kilometer-tall wall, named Gerald, around all of France, to prevent the ideas from spreading. There is, as you probably know, a fair amount of idiots in any country, and the thought of Gaullism spreading further was somewhat unappealing to the other chiefs of state.
Gaullist Belgium[edit | edit source]
However, on the 30th of February 1978 a section of Gerald collapsed, exposing a small portion of the Ardennes forest to the ravaging hordes of uncooperative Gaullists, who refused to work with the trees, which then burned to the ground, paving the way of a Gaullist takeover of Belgium. Even the forty Belgian Waffle Warriors who valiantly held their ground were not enough the stop the Gaullists, and Belgium fell. Little did anyone know that all Belgians had died two hundred years ago when they realized how ridiculous they were. All which remained were the Waffle Warriors, of which only a few survived the Gaullist invasion. They all decided to become the first Belgian Waffle Pirates. To prevent further spread of Gaullism, Belgium was simply removed from the continent, and placed somewhere down in Africa, thus creating Belgian Kongo, named so to honor the local warrior Donkey Kong.