Gaahl
“................................................ Gaahl”
Gaahl is a small, gnome-like creature that dwells in the mountains of Norway. He is known throughout Norway as a very skilled blacksmith, known for his ability to forge garden tools out of Black Metal, a very rare substance which is Norway's primary export.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Unlike most living things, Gaahl was not born. he was actually genetically-engineered in a laboratory in northern Sweden. the scientists were trying to create the perfect human being by synthetically creating a zygote from the DNA of Lance Armstrong and Halle Berry, but Lance's DNA could not be acquired, so the scientists instead used DNA from Lance's midget cousin Vinnie.
During Gaahl's stay in the lab, experiments were performed on him regularly. The scientists would perform strange and often cruel tests, such as soaking Gaahl with freezing water and placing him in the freezer to test his resistance to extreme conditions. Gaahl eventually escaped from the laboratory while going through his "rebellious phase". After a brief stint in elementary school where he caused the only other child in his class to commit suicide, he built a shack in the mountains of Norway where he resides to this day.
Also he once suffered criminal charges for forcibly performing satanic rituals on a man attending a party of his.
Present life[edit | edit source]
Gaahl was recently featured in a documentary called "true Norwegian black metal", on which he stated his beliefs about the advantages of gardening with tools made from black metal.
Gaahl is obsessed with gardening (as most gnomes are). He was arrested and jailed for a short period of time for threatening a man with a spade and threatening to drink all of his plant food. In an interview, Gaahl stated that this man cheated in a gardening contest in which Gaahl had been a contestant.
Godsemen[edit | edit source]
Gaahl is currently the frontman for the band Godsemen, whose songs usually have something to do with godly jizz for plant fertilization. they are technically classified as "black metal" which, of course, is a genre of music devoted to the material that Gaahl uses to forge his gardening tools. the band's instruments are also made of this material.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Godsemen has been criticized for it's controversial lyrics. with songs that often describe plants being tortured in different ways. Gaahl had this to say in a recent interview:
"we describe torture of plants in our music to bring the mistreatment of plants to the public's attention. many plants are mistreated and exploited throughout the world, and nobody cares."
Gaahl was unable to continue because he broke into tears shortly afterwards.
Fungus[edit | edit source]
Ghaal recently went into seclusion after his prize Daffodils died due to root fungus. He claimed that African Pygmies invaded his mountain residence while he slept, and infected his plants. Speculations have been made claiming he was so mentally destabilized by the event, he began consuming his own feces. He receded into the Mountains and began to live with a rare forgotten community of Gnomes living under a Gazebo. Not much else is known about the incident. Recent information suggests he is back and Godsemen is recording their new album "Wrath of the Aphid", a split album with Carpathian Florist. SA MORI TU!
Clothing Line[edit | edit source]
In 2008, to absolutely nobody's surprise but everyone's amusement, Gaahl announced that he was gay. His lover, a young fashion designer named Dan Devero, got him involved in fashion design. His designs are rumored to include completely un-sexy leather, blood soaked, spiky outfits for women and assless chainmail Viking armor for men. He's also working on a line of inverted cross anal dildos.
Gaahl is slated to star in the upcoming film Frostback Mountain, the Norwegian sequel to the film by Ang Lee.
“Get behind me Satan!”
Tr00 Life Adventures[edit | edit source]
Gaahl's Tr00 Life Adventures was a reality TV series involving Gaahl in his natural surroundings. The show ran for almost 70 episodes before Gaahl decided to call it quits. When asked why he decided to cancel the series, he took a long sip of wine and replied: "VEGAN!"
