Franco-Prussian war

The Franco-Prussian war (19 July 1870 – 28 January 1871) was a conflict between Napoleon III (often referred to as "That one rich guy") and some German dudes. It is one of the many examples of Napoleon III being a master tactician and ordering all his soldiers to walk calmly across a field while being shot at from all sides because "Willy is being very silly, going around supporting the Hohenzollerns".

Technology

At the time, the French Army was still using their favourite weapon, the Charleville Musket. This is often attributed as one of the reasons they failed, as the Prussians had an incomprehensible technology known as "rifle guns". France did, however, have decent hand-to-hand abilities, but they never got close enough to use them, as the Prussians utilised snipers to keep the frog army away.

Causes

The main cause was a telegram (nicknamed the "EMS Dispatch" because of how many people it sent to the hospital) sent by Kaiser Wilhelm Friedrich Ludwig von Preussen (commonly called "Silly Willy") to the French Monarchy. Somewhere along the way, however, it was found by the dead ghost of Napoleon I, who changed it into a personal attack letter against Napoleon III. As you can imagine, Version 3.0 didn't like that. He told his main general, Monsieur Kroger, to throw cucumbers at the Germans to distract them while he ran away in a comedically wobbly way. Silly Willy then ordered his troops to find Napoleon III, and execute him, starting a war.

Initial reactions

The French public immediately began screaming the lyrics to Le Marsaillaise as loudly as humanly possible, providing the only source of morale for the French Military, which promptly began frog-stepping (a variation of goosestepping) down Champs d'Elysees while joining in the singing. The Germans had a very different reaction, however. They started to occcupy France (what a shocker) and dig large holes in the ground at either end of Champs d'Elysees so that the frog-stepping "troops" would fall in. It took half of the troops falling in for the remainder to realise they had no chance.

The end of the war

As Silly Willy began to approach Paris, Napoleon cowered in fear inside his local grocery store, hoping he wouldn't be found. His troops reportedly "found him shaking in fear; he seemed to have schizophrenia". They were then ordered to climb the Eiffel Tower and attach a massive white flag so the Prussians knew that he was surrendering. Silly Willy found Boney-parte sitting in the corner crying about how he "ONLY WANTED WILLY TO SEPARATE FROM HIS FAMILY AND FIND A NEW ONE" and promptly dragged him into the nearest embassy, where he forced him to surrender.