Female hygiene

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Females are by nature filthy, disgusting and especially smelly creatures

Elton John on females

A loving husband showing off his skills as a wife-cleaner by rounding up some small remnants of filth.
What is that fishy smell?

Oscar Wilde on his wife

A wash a day keeps the smell away

The Qur'an on female hygiene

Female hygiene has been a longstanding and well-known nuisance to men all over the universe since the dawn of time. Many techniques have been developed to try and stem the repulsive nature of these vile creatures with varying effects, leading even some of the most influential men throughout history to abandon their smelly counterparts. The high level of female uncleanliness is thought to be one of the prime reasons for the vast amount of homosexual men currently inhabiting the planet (besides religion and bad role models). In 1804 a group of males led by Napoleon Bonaparte started the Front Against Girls Smells (more commonly known as FAGS). Over the centuries this organization has come to determine that the most common smells encountered by unsuspecting men are best described as fish, ammonia and feces. Not much is known about how women came to acquire such revolting odors but scientists have determined that they have likely inherited many of these qualities from our scaly ancestors.

History[edit | edit source]

Scientists have discovered earthly samples of smells similar to those experienced when confronted by unhygienic females dating all the way back to the early prehistoric times (56 million years ago) in the form of the Priscacara fossil which was found in Wyoming, USA. The scientist who discovered the fossil was reported as stating: "By golly, I could have sworn I just smelled my wife." However the first dirty female smell can be traced back to approximately 0,01 seconds after the big bang, although many have come to suspect that the smell may have actually been the cause.

An artist's interpretation of a witch being burned at the stake and a man festively decapitating himself.

It is thought that, despite anything the Bible would have you believe, there were originally no male humanoids and instead females dominated the world freely with their vile odors. In a cave in Ethiopia mural drawings created by cavewomen have been discovered depicting the speedy transformation of a lost female ('Eve') into a male ('Adam'). This occurred through means of washing her filthy body in a stream, an idea seemingly alien to the grotesque female's mind. After experiencing the delights of being clean and manly the newborn Adam began "baptizing" (or in other words cleaning) the other cavewomen into cavemen. This caused for much discontent amongst the general populace of the time and two clans emerged: The Clean (men) and The Smelly (women). After a long civil war known as 'The Dirt Wars' (in which both clans tried to convert each others members) and evolution the two species became unable to exchange sex by simply becoming clean or dirty, the a truce was called and the Intersex Treaty of 12599 BC was signed and peace was restored. From this point onward the two clans began to breed together and males and females were given birth to at random.

Peace continued into the middle ages, however after the count of Capua, Atenulf I, conquered the principality of Benevento in 900 CM, he and his male servants cerebrally raped and pillaged in every village of their choice (including some instances of incest and one night he spent in bed with his brother but swears he can't remember anything about it because somebody spiked his drink with GHB). The result of this was that by 913 CM when the offspring of this festive undertaking came to their early teens they began experimenting with their sexuality and discovered they could simply transform their sex by washing (or not). This phenomenon, also known as "Witchcraft", posed a threat to the treaty established almost 13-thousand years before and led to mass witch-hunting throughout the entire medieval period in order to preserve the peace. An exception was made from 920-921 in order to give the witches time to reproduce, as the people had grown rather fond of the practice of hunting down and burning them, and it would be a damned shame to ruin a spot of good fun.

During the Victorian ages men started searching for women-wash methods, a guy called Victor the Victorious Victorian was washing women by putting buckets filled with water on top of little opened doors, this washing technique did not work out very well because men trapped also in it and became angry, even as birds, ages later called angry birds. An other washing method found by Victor is the golden shower victor made an entire network of waterworks with golden pipes, by the pressure of the ocean some water went up to the pipes an caused a shower. But after years the water-pipes gets old an the gold felt of what caused a golden shower.