Epitheton epitheta
Epitheton epitheta is a species of fungus. It's known as The Incredible Space Traveling Mushroom formally known as Journey shroom, Spacetrotter shroom, Toeristenzwam (Dutch) or Champignon touristique (French). It's unimaginably rare, but found everywhere around the globe. Records of this species go as far as deep space, where it gives shelter to extraterrestrials, who also use this fungus to travel through the universe. People (Homo spaiens sapiens) sometimes see this and say they are flying saucers. We know better: they are flying mushrooms.
Description[edit | edit source]
In ancient times, humans inhaled the fumes of this fungi, creating politicians who have started evil wars. These politicians would title themselves "....the Great" or "....the Terrible" or "....the Feared", and so on and so forth, and then go on to create wars. Most Epitheton on Earth live in trees, where they produce light beams, which are projected into the air. We see them as stars and constellations with fancy titles and names. Crossbreeding between their fungal spores and humans gave Superman (Homo superior), Batman (Homo pseudo-bat) and someone who wants to stay anonymous.
These fungi are very rude and spit in your face when you talk to them, and call you impolite names. Epitheton epitheta was first described by Cortois and Poppe in 2008, two famous omnilogists (biologists of everything and nothing) who have also discovered the existence of facial hairs in dogs (Canis lupus familiaris). This specimen is hidden in a place where nobody (Homo non-existandis) can reach it, somewhere between the Equator and the North Pole. One individual Epitheton epitheta is a true globetrotter, and has 8 hidden feet which it uses to travel, accumulating titles wherever it goes. This extraterrestrial-educated fungus also owns a publishing company and writes traveling books. It is also rumored to be a distant cousin of a royal family, as well as an infamous criminal mastermind. This royal family has, of course, disowned the fungi a very long time ago, and denies any connection of any kind.
All Epithetons tend to listen to a mix between Bach, Mozart and Metalcore decorated with sounds of everyday (the sounds every one is ashamed of), which probably explains their rudeness and impolite behaviour. They are intelligent organisms who live on moulded faces.
Subspecies[edit | edit source]
Seven subspecies have been described:
- E.e.var epitheta - living on Earth and in space.
- E.e. dungii - These individuals live in the area and eat from sewer and other waste water with little golden spoons. Their impoliteness was annoying, so they were banned to faerie land and other imaginary places in 1066 by William, Duke of Normandy, King of England and the bad breath of the corpse of the first Emperor of China. In faerie land Epitheton epitheta is now considdered as an invasive species. They suppress Fly Agarics (Amanita muscaria), so now a lot of gnomes (Homunculus minutus) and pixies (H. minutus ssp.eire) are homeless and this is causing them to flee from faerie land and so they migrated all over the world ever since, in here still enough Amanita muscaria occured for them to live in. Sometimes these "tiny litlle man" were not tolerated by witches and other forest dwellers, who scared them away. These areas are inhabitated by people who don't believe in gnomes.
The other five subspecies don't exist and are just rumours with an inflated sense of self-importance.
Edibility[edit | edit source]
Because some people have tried to consume this species, without diminishing it's abundance, eating Epitheton is considered by the FDA as a good and healthy alternative for food like fugu and bread. The major advantage of Epitheton consummation is that it helps the hunger out of the world, it's considered to be the major food for one million of elves and 36 million people. In some European markets this species can already be found, it's sold in cages of 4by 10 by the brand of " Angela Merkel's kitchen ingredients".
Some minor disadvantages have been attributed to this fungus, but these are considered as of lower importance. It's a good alternative to food crops like potatoes in crowded areas because of these minor disadvantages, such as flatulation. Also, sometimes a certain death occurs when used in combination with direct sunlight 24 hours to six years after consuming a tiny peace of it. This last one can be a bit annoying, but it's already the number one food for suicidal lovers,sun bathers and cave dwellers. Their are indications that too long consumption of Epitheton turns you into one of them.
These last points are generally considered as great by mad ecologists and politicians, because this is by far the best solution to overcrowding and pollution of the Earth by humans. Because to many cave dwellers survive, some of them may be hunt for food. Occasionally they serve as a model group for evolutionary biologists, because here scientists can study these last into becoming a new cave species of man: "Homo cavensis", ruler of caves, Post-modern Cave man, Ooh Ooh Ooh, Re-evolving (= Evolving back), free sex, cave hippies, Oooh Yeah.
Descendants/Hybrids[edit | edit source]
Descendants of Epitheton epitheta are abundant in space and on Earth:
God, Jesus,The Flying Dutchman, Venus and her direct descendant J. Caesar are also fungi (or their corpse is infected with it, which is the same).
Some perfumes (which can be exterminated by no longer using perfume, so that their aromatic spores can't spread in the air and form new mycelia) are Epitheton too.