Effects of Alcohol
Alcohol is a drug; not a drug like cocaine or cherry flavoured peyote, or rib flavored crack, but a drug none the same. In fact it's probably more addictive than heroin (although apparently everything is). It can be injected directly into your mouth using a glass-tube. It's readily available on the high street from inconspicuous drinking dens known as speakeasies or off-licences, and to some lesser extent from Supermarkets e.g. Tesco.
A lot of people argue that alcohol isn't necessarily good for you. But at best this is only a vague theory like evolution and gravity. In fact the majority of scientists fully accept that getting so inebriated that you lose control of your bladder, is not only amusing, but washes out bad spirits from your tarnished soul.
Alcohol Consumption Case Study[edit | edit source]
First Pint[edit | edit source]
| “ | I'm just going to stay for the one. Gotta get back and see the wife/spend some quality time with the kids. Ahh what local beers you got on those pumps? Pint of Funky-Monksuit please. | ” |
And so begins the traditional inner dialogue of the seasoned drinker. With practice, the time between entering the drinking establishment and the first sip can be reduced to as little as 8 seconds (including pouring time).
Third Pint[edit | edit source]
| “ | Yeah, not bad at all. I respect her as a colleague of course. She has a mastery of Powerpoint rarely seen in the fairer sex, by which I mean women. Her slide to slide transformations demonstrate a most concise and exquisite beauty....Nice arse too. | ” |
At this stage alcohol is already beginning to enhance the personality. Aint it great?
Eight Pints[edit | edit source]
| “ | Cause right... I didn't say that at all. And if you said that I did say that, then you're saying something that I didn't say that I said or even said and I didn't say that..... | ” |
At this stage the human brain is filtering out the need for nouns.
Behavior[edit | edit source]
The Drunk Hooray[edit | edit source]
A Drunk Hooray is the phenomenon wherin a hoarde of drunks will simultaneously shout "Hooray!" at the slightest provocation. The difficulty of triggering a Drunk Hooray has been negatively correlated with group size and the average degree of intoxication. It is almost impossible to produce a proper Drunk Hooray whilst sober.
Things known to elicit the Drunken Hooray:
- The arrival of another person (or animal, plant, piece of furniture, parking meter, coat rack)
- The arrival of more alcohol (strength of hooray highly correlated with quantity and strength of booze)
- Accidents (spilled drinks, dropped plates, injuries, car crashes)
- Acts of murder by gun play
- Acts of murder by stabbing
- Acts of murder by stranglation
- Acts of murder by the crushing of one's skull
- Acts of murder by the decapitation of one's head with a very large sword
- Acts of murder by the poisoning of one's alcoholic beverage
- Fires or explosions
- Toasts (see below); any shouted declaration (including "Hooray!")
- Impending Doom
The phenomenon of the Drunken Hooray is understood well enough to be used as a sobriety test in some police districts. Usually the officer will begin by inquiring, "Three cheers if you're drunk!" Failing this, the officer may produce a drink, either proposing a toast, or dropping it to the ground, proclaiming "Hooray!" If the subject joins in the cheer, he or she is almost certainly drunk, and a decibel meter can be used to ascertain the BAC to within 0.01%.
Toasts[edit | edit source]
Drinking has been shown to cause toasting in lab rats, and vice versa.
Consumption of Questionable Food[edit | edit source]
Alcohol is known to cause attraction to food establishments of questionable quality and sanitation, as well as the consumption of Leftovers of Dubious Age, Creations with Bizarre Combinations of Ingredients, and Unidentifiable Burnt Crap (See HowTo:Cook While Drunk). (See Bacon Bits)
Confidence[edit | edit source]
Job Interviews[edit | edit source]
To nail that job, you need to demonstrate in that interview that you are someone who can handle, for example, the investment of pension funds. Your prospective employer is not going to want some shrinking, nervous bag of shit. He (It's going to be a 'he' isn't it. Work for a woman? Where's your dignity?) is going to want a strong-minded and resourceful individual, possibly named 'Mark'.
It has never been contested that having alcohol swimming through your veins increases confidence and conversational skills, two vital components of a good interviewee. What's more, if you are the successful candidate, you're going to want to keep yourself 'topped up', as being under the influence undoubtedly increases the propensity to make snap incisive decisions. A skill that is vital for the Financial Services industry.
The Ladies[edit | edit source]
Women hate sobriety in men even more than they hate missing the football. Intoxication brings a swagger that turns a woman's ovulation into an excited thud. Your wittier Stella-enhanced patter means that, through being loaded, you're much more likely to get the chance to reproduce than some tee-total magazine reading vegetarian. Today, more people are getting drunk than ever before. That's survival of the fittest.
Evolution baby!
The Body[edit | edit source]
Yes alcohol is great, but let's not pretend it doesn't have some negative effects. Well fuck it, normally, yes, let's do pretend it doesn't have any negative effects, but anyway I still think we need to address a couple of issues. There you go 'issues'.
Temperature[edit | edit source]
Though alcohol may make you feel warm, your body temperature will drop. This means you may feel nice and toasty walking home from the pub, but your body may be in a dangerous spiral towards pneumonia or AIDS. Therefore, always make sure you drive your car to your drinking establishment of choice, then drive home using the same fucking car. Don't bother with an Uber or Allah forbid a taxi, it costs an arm and leg which you just can't afford! This means if the old temperature does take a tumble while your spooning back those double whiskeys, you've got a nice warm automobile to drive home in. Alcohol is a lot of fun, but you still need to be responsible and think ahead. Fuck having a designated driver, the suggestion that anyone gives a shit about whether you're sober or not behind the wheel is bollocks. However, make sure that you have a plan to inform your loved ones from jail if you get arrested for drink driving. Write the number of someone to call on one arm, the number for a lawyer on another, and the number for a bail bondsman on your butt.