Door County

(ALLEGEDLY) Deer in Door County after 3 bottles of Death Doors

Door County is a county full of 30,000 doors in the United States of Albania's Packerstan. The main tourist attractions within this long dick shaped county include the shoreline, interesting rocks, some lighthouses, wildlife ranging from deer to a walmart shopper, and of course redneck fishers who decide to play the game of fuck around and find out on the ice when its melting. This article shall be written in a Wikivoyage-like manner because their head tourist guide is holding me hostage. But know this, cherry cherry cherry cherry cherry cherry cherry cherry.

Understand

Why should I care about this region?

There are several reasons why you should care about this region. For one it has 298 miles of Lake Michigan shoreline, most of which is snobbled up by greedy landowners who build their uninspiring modern homes as close to the lake as possible, so you should go soon before the land is fully developed- just kidding, relax; its not that deep. Another reason why you should consider going here is for the climate; the only tornadoes that spawn in Door County occur whenever god is mad that the earth is blatantly homophobic, and many thunderstorms generally bring rain. There are also several cultural themes within the county, such as hipster New England style villages like Ephraim, modern gentrified villages like Baileys Harbor and Egg Harbor, big city Sturgeon Bay, or cowboy country like anywhere immediately outside of Sturgeon Bay. Afterall, Jean Nicolet actually landed in present day Sturgeon Bay in 1636 and decided "ha, nobody will ever know I actually stepped foot here." and intentionally mislabeled his landing spot to be in some middle of nowhere Brown County village that nobody will ever recognize. The natives we interviewed through using our time machine are confused about our description and insisted that we made it the fuck up. But this isnt any ordinary bullshit dear reader, this is what actually happened.

Door County has many places where you can watch people jump into the water and break bones. Cave Point (pictured here) is a popular hotspot

Another reason to come here is to make fun of the FIBs for also partaking in the game of fuck around and find out when they try to play with wildlife whilst drunk. Minnesotans also do that, but at least they're so apologetic, it makes the editor here want to ball up and scream in agony. Lastly, there are many different service industries in Door County that are available for the public to both observe and take part in.

Industries???

You're seeing just a normal county with industries, and you're panicking. How childish. Anyways here are the top industries here:

• Farming (Cowboys dont exist here if they cant farm here and get drunk, or at least get drunk. Door County makes cherries, apple orchards, cheese, and roadside weed)
• Government (specifically in Ft Door Peninsula, the only time of the year Door County gets bureaucratical attention outside of car crashes near Sturgeon Bay is tourism season)
• Seasonal Service (why else are illegal immigrants legally allowed here the only time of the year when many villages are alive is from late May to early October)
• Shipbuilding (exclusively in Sturgeon Bay, many ships at one point were either built to haul ore from Duluth, MN to southern Great Lakes cities to be used to make the most niche everyday objects, or built to bomb the middle east)

Cities

DISCLAIMER: for all you geography nerds, only Sturgeon Bay is legally a city, everywhere else is either a village or unincorporated. Oh my god, the image is so fricking fuzzy wtf.

Map of Door County

Northern Door County (Relevant)

1. Baileys Harbor - named after Justice Bailey, there's nothing else of note here.
2. Egg Harbor - named after an egg fight, there's nothing else of note here.
3. Ephraim - famous for its buildings and shorelines, i guess?
4. Fish Creek - highway junction with stores, not a tourist trap at all
5. Jacksonport - passerby wayside for the tired FIBs
6. Sister Bay - largest city that everyone cares about in Door County, with goats eating shingles on the roofs
7. Ellison Bay - aside from their store blowing up, its pretty decent if you want to live off the grid
8. Gills Rock - maritime museum hub

Southern Door County (Irrelevant)

1. Sturgeon Bay - the largest city and county seat with exactly 10000 people, you can find pretty much everything here, except for big city violence as some hardcore conservatives might argue.
2. Brussels - the other large city in the county, where the European Union meets all the time/
3. Carlsville - originally creative name for a high amount of Karls here
4. Forestville - unoriginally dull name for a farm village
5. Little Sturgeon - (alternatively called Little Sturgeon Bay) alternative name for the area that wanted to be called Sturgeon Bay
6. Valmy - most popular unincorporated community, the place to go before you die at the county park

Those two islands

Washington Island (A) is the second most populous island in all of Packerstan and did not have internet until the democrat governor gave the island some, hence why the island is very democratic since 2020. This island was named after George Washington and not after the Icelandic people. It is also one of two islands in Packerstan to feature highways. The main villages on this island include Washington and Detroit Harbor (homicide/blight rate: 0)

Chambers Island (B) is the only other island with some human life. You are not allowed there, but you could swim there if you want. Just dont drown.

Other destinations

One of the more popular lighthouses, but do be warned, the coast guard loves to shoot vistors for target practice

Here are some other destinations. All other communities are just marginally populated enough to the point where the speed limit decreases:

• Carnot - occasionally mistaken as "Carrot"
• Idlewild
• Institute
• Juddville
• Kolberg
• Maplewood
• Misiere
• Namur
• North Bay
• Northport - end of WIS 42
• Peninsula Center - unironically not in the center
• Rosiere - home to bird killers
• Rowleys Bay - could've been under cities have their only resort not partially burn and get abandoned
• Salona
• Shoemaker Point
• Stevensons Pier
• Vignes
• West Jacksonport
• Whitefish Bay - commonly called "White folks bay"
• Williamsonville - burnt to the fucking ground in 1871 and is now a rest stop on a county highway

Get in

You will probably be getting in either by using highways or swimming. The most common ways to get into Door County include driving on State Trunk Highway 42 (called WIS 42 or just Highway 42) or State Trunk Highway 57 (called WIS 57 or just Highway 57). Locals heavily use County Trunk Highway S between Algoma and Sturgeon Bay because the average speed is around 65 to 70 MPH, and is regularly not patrolled by county sheriffs department. You can walk in, though you should plan on walking on bear infested trails. As for swimming, we here at the Wikivoyage team wish you the best of luck and hope you will drown before you make it five miles out. The nearest commercial airport is in Green Bay, though the nearest commercial airport you'll realistically fly into is in Milwaukee, though the nearest international airport you'll realistically fly into is in Chicago.

Cars are very realistically the only way to go. Also if you cant do 70 on these curves, you are a certified pussy

Legally, I am required to disclose that the actual speed limit on freeways in Wisconsin are 70; the speed limit on expressways are 65, and on any other road without a posted speed limit or on a rural highway is 55 MPH in freedom units. Since they want me to attract people from the European Union, they would roughly be 110, 105, and 90 KMH respectively.

Getting to Sturgeon Bay

Departure	Miles	Estimated Time at 85 MPH
Green Bay	43.8	~ 31 Minutes
Manitowoc	61.3	~ 43 Minutes
Milwaukee	153	~ 1 Hour 48 Minutes
Wausau	181*	N/A (some dumbass got WIS 29 closed so i cant calculate)
Madison	186	~ 2 Hours 12 Minutes
Chicago	244	~ 2 Hours 52 Minutes
Houghton	253	~ 2 Hours 58 Minutes
Twin Cities	idk?	you mfers are slow, figure it out yourself

However, if you notice the chart, you can tell, nobody is going 70 on the freeways, and certainly everyone at least does 65 on a rural two lane road anyways, so drive however fast you please. Just say hi to Bambi when deer are out.

Get around

The Scenic Byway Signs exist because they dont want FIBs off the highway

As with most American destinations, you are shit out of luck if you cant drive around. This includes the ability to bike, boat, swim, drive, and piggyback. Many of the cities have sidewalks for you to use. When travelling between towns, it is very likely you'll either be using one of the two state highways, or the county highways that are only well maintained because they actually connect tourist destinations. If you end up on a town road and its barely 20' wide, just chug the bottle and go full throttle. Who cares about the locals?

If you choose to bike or walk, understand that doing so along the state highways is a great way to send yourself 500' away from your previous location should a car troll you by attempting vehicular manslaughter.

See

If you like indoor museums, they do exist. Just look for them. Otherwise, you can go to certain fire watch towers and get a view of both beautiful Door County, and those Yoopers waving the white flag desiring to join Packerstan. There are also several farms if you want to cut your hands on the barb wire and prove to your friends that you are an emo kid. Oh and I cant forget those 11 lighthouses. Just see them all before they see you. Yes, the federal government and every private owner who owns these lighthouses are obligated to kill unsuspecting visitors on sight.

Do

Door County has many lighthouse. Sturgeon Bay has three nearby.

The county is home to five state park, one of which only gets any attention, and several county parks that offer many views, ways to get close with nature, and ways to slip off a cliff and fucking die, bozo. There are also several trails which are kinda neat if you want to see bigfoot. Other than that, why else are you here in Door County if not for anything here?

Eat

There are a variety of places to eat at, generally tending to their political demographics (which you can easily identify which political side their owner is on depending on the campaign sign or if they have the rainbow flag or MAGA flag. If you want fine dining, go to Sturgeon Bay; afterall, they have the only two McDonalds within the county, as with the only two state sponsored consulates (KwikTrip) and embassy (Culvers), and plenty more healthier local restaurants that you should be eating at you fatass.

Drink

Best places to get drunk are either at bars in any one of the other communities, or at a registered winery if you are a closeted or uncloseted homosexual. Almost all the wineries are up north of Sturgeon Bay, and well guarded by cattle that occasionally bites off a tree branch.

Sleep

In the county, there are plenty of places to sleep in, whether it be resorts where the men swim in their pokemon swim shorts, the motels that offer you free wifi and roadkill, or some campground that is bound to be the target of a forest fire once some ice cream head kid has the bright idea to make their next video titled: CAMPFIRE IN FOREST GONE WRONG (NOT CLICKBAIT) 😱😱😱. Either way, you should have plenty of places to sleep.

Stay safe

The homicide rate is very low, and chances are you'll need to fuck up really bad to find yourself getting murdered. That said, you need to stop parking your boats like a dumbass, because that could actually set the water on fire.

Geographical & Meteorological Risks

Earthquakes are very common, though Sturgeon Bay residents are the most immune to these quakes. And no, the weather only changes fast if you choose not to look to your west every so often.

Political Boundaries

Ahh yes, everyone's favorite question? Where is it more liberal or conservative? Generally, locations south of Town Line Road (E/W road south of Carlsville) are the most conservative parts of the county, whereas areas north are more liberal and progressive. Fear not if you want to go to Sturgeon Bay, you can pretty much be a mariner, be a cowboy, and be gay all in less than an hour if you try hard enough. Otherwise, be weary if you have a MAGA hat at any business with the rainbow flag up north, or if you decide to show yourself off as a femboy down south. Gun ownership however varies. Ironically, the NRA recognizes that most liberals up there actually own guns like the conservatives do. As a matter of fact, they do occasional shootings if they determine that their wildlife is going to spread STDs, or if a random pig walks too close to a highway.

Harassment from locals

The safest way to not be harassed by a gun toting populist is to not have Illinois or Minnesota License Plates. According to a study conducted by UW-Madison, it was determined that cars with Wisconsin and Michigan (Yoopers only) license plates were found to be the least likeliest to be slashed in a parking lot or on the street. Conversely, they found cars with Illinois license plates to be the most at risk. Tread carefully if you're an Illinoisan.

What is this deer doin?

Wildlife

We love it and so should you. Cows and Deer have absolutely all right of way as with the Wooly Mammoth. If you hit them and they die, you are obligated to forfeit your license as a regular human being. Otherwise, you'd get a bonus check of $1000 for every Illinoisan that you hit and kill on Door County's many county highways.

Go next

• Go to Milwaukee if you want more wildlife.
• Or just be a wuss and only go to Green Bay.
• Or if you want to say "fuck it, we ball," just go to Copper Country.

Enjoy your time.