Dear Jenna

June 24, 2008

Dear Jenna,

I hate to tell you this, but I'm not going to be able to see you anymore. I know it's a cliché, but it's really not you, Jenna. It's me.

I think it's just that it was too soon after my relationship with Carol. After Carol, I promised myself I would never get into a relationship with girls who caused birds to suddenly appear every time she was near. It was just too hard.

Like I told you, when I first met Carol, it was actually kind of nice. We'd go have a picnic, and there would be songbirds everywhere, and it would just be a beautiful sound, even if we did usually had to eat our sandwiches under a sheet, on account of all the poop.

But after a while, it just got to be too much. I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning to take the first shower, or else the tub would be full of ducks. And then, that one time, when we were making love and I looked up and there was a giant ostrich staring me in the face, I knew I had to end it.

When I met you, I was worried it was going to be too much like it was with Carol. But I thought "Well, she's not Carol. It's not birds that suddenly appear every time she's near; it's bees. So, let's give her a chance."

But, honestly, Jenna? It was worse. At least birds can't fit in a sandwich. I never imagined how hard it would be to have bees suddenly appear in my sandwich as soon as I was about to take a bite. And the sex, you know, it was really good, but I'm just not the kind of guy who enjoys constant stinging in bed. I hope you understand. Like I said, this is really about me and how I just wasn't ready for this relationship at this time in my life.

I know it's just a failing on my part. I'm sure most any guy would be lucky to have you. Especially a guy who had his own bee suit and mask. Like a beekeeper. I know the last thing you want from me right now is advice, but maybe you should think about dating a beekeeper.

I know you're probably going to call me a coward for writing this letter instead of telling you this in person, but the fact is, I am scared. I'm scared of how much I love you. But mostly, I'm scared of the bees.

I'll miss you,

Brian