David Belle
“For a french guy he is pretty cool.”
“Le bâstard a volé mon idée!”
David Belle of Fécamp, also known as God, is the central figure of Parkour, revered by most Traceurs as the incarnation of God, and is also an important figure in ownage. He is possibly the only person who can outrun Chuck Norris. Not on flat terrain though. He is super skilled in the martial art of jumpinglikespiderman-foo and has perfected it to a degree that even meer mortals (dumb teenage kids) can use it. This was latter called what we know today as Parkour.
== Biogarphy == Hi Nate! David Belle started off being alive at an early age. His first stunt was being born, but his super-duper parkour ultra powers first came to the attention to his parents when he learnt how to walk in only one year! He later decided to pursue a career in going to school, there he did some gymnastics, but contrary to popular belief his parkour super powers did not come from there, but when he got bitten by a radio-active papillon. After gaining his powers he decided to make a career out of it and quit school, despite his amazing academic success and went on to jumping the rooftops of Evry in Paris. First he started training only at night to avoid attention and during the day he returned to his secret hideout (his mom's house) where he nourished his mind, body and soul by eating, going to the bathroom and french meditation (sleeping). But eventually his ego grew (he is french after all) and he started doing it during the day. He then became a local legend and was know as 'Cet idiot qui saut du balcon au balcon'.
But he soon caught the eye of other academically brilliant young men, who quit their bright futures to try to follow him. Literally follow him. But they all died, because the were n00bs and too softcore, I mean they couldn't cover 15 meter gaps, pshhh! The ones that didn't die were black. This is the reason most of Belle's parkour videos are accompanied by rap music. Bad rap music. Bad French rap music. French music. Ew.
His war on crime[edit | edit source]
Because of David's parkour philosophy of no drinking, no smoking, no doing drugs (except pot), and being a generally good role model to kids that couldn't afford Spider-man comics, french drug lords have tried to kill him several times. But David used the Roadrunner VS Coyote techinque to lead them all off rooftops and kill them. He became a local hero and was now known to the local folk as 'Cet idiot qui saute du balcon au balcon et fucks avec les gangsters.'
Media attention[edit | edit source]
Pretty soon (12 years later) David got media attention and people started to film him. Eventually they got enough footage to make a movie. The best one was called District B13. It was based on how he defeated drug gangs by running a lot. David Belle also features in The Fray's How To Save A Life Music Video released in 2006, he said he was touched by the offer and it reminded him of his cat named "Truffles." PEOPLE LOVE DAVID BELLE FOR HIS GR8 ACTING
Rise to power[edit | edit source]
Laterish, a bunch of english blokes known as MI5 were continuing their tradition of owning the french and stealing their shit by hiring some wankers to learn parkour and sell it through the Discovery channel. It became an instant hit with kids who couldn't afford a skateboard, thus David has become a world wide role model. He even made some money off it and get laid for free. French style. To think he could have kept going to school. Pfft!
Death[edit | edit source]
David briefly died in 2004, but he came back. People, his friends and the media have long wondered why he decided to make such a big step in life as dying. At a press conference in the french White house he later stated he did it to upgrade to v9.0, cause everybody knows when you come back from the dead you're like 7 times more powerful.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- He can do the vertical 900 without a skateboard, thus owning Tony Hawk
- He is french
- He can cast a 45 second endurance spell without using any of his magicka (first used when he was hired by the local janitor to close the Oblivion gate on his street)
- The prince of Persia is his sworn rival
- He can trespass on any property and will get away with it.
- When he shops he walks on the shelfs and jumps from isle to isle, he never shops like normal people, who does he think he is?! Jesus?
- Renault and Peugot have all contracts on his head, because it was proven that parkour is faster than cars on the Top Gear show from Britannia. Citroen has however designed the C4 robot car that can climb from building to building like he can.
- I think he's hot.... what?
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
Are French. So don't bother. No, really, dont.