“Oh darling, please believe me. I'll never make it alone! Believe me when I tell you, I'll never do you no harm.”
Alack. Poor, tender Darling (2002-2006) was an heiress, and a short-lived, Drug addicted Chihuahua inflicted with Anorexia, Arthritis, Osteoporosis, and was confined to a hospital most of her life. Due to her horrible ailments, she was officially classified as the most delecate/killable mammal to ever live. This is her harrowing, gut-wrenching, and best-selling tale, a tale of woe, of misery, and of improper use of diet pills.
Darling emerged, rather ungracefully, from her mother Kathy one chilly February 17th morn. She was the oldest of 13 pups, nine of whom succumbed to the frost. Her father, Gidget, was an extremely successful model for Taco Bell, and as such she was a very wealthy heiress. However, even from the time she came gaping from her mother's womb, furless and covered in steaming womb-slime, she was a delicate flower, requiring constant attention and very cautious care. A mere hint of wind, for example, would break her hollow bones in an instant. Her mother and father would be very sad, if her mother weren't dead and her father weren't an out-of-control drunk with a sick taste for pissing on fire hydrants.
In 2004 Darling met Don Pablo, crack dealer extraordinaire. Stricken with a tragic case of Anorexia, Darling thought that she was much too fat, so she bought a bag full of splendorous orange joy. The bag was full of Don Pablo's six kittens. They were promptly huffed, and an addiction had begun. She would often black out due to the relative size from her to the kittens (Some were even physically larger than herself). She would be locked in her hotel room for days on end, plopped atop her special-made ultra-soft bed. This means it was an extremely deadly addiction, with Death Himself knocking on her door and stubbing her frail little toenails every time she took a huff.
Such a time came when Darling became too fragile for the harsh reality of outside, and inside. Because she could not survive long in either state, she was given a room in the empty space between the drywall at a Hospital. It was here that she would spend the rest of her life, with nothing but a sterile, cornerless blanket, a picture of the majestic rolling hills of Ireland, and a small bottle of lotion. The lotion would have to last a while, of she wanted to hold on to her sanity.
Darling died tragically, alone and heartbroken, in 2006 after her stomach burst. It had shrunk to the size of a Japanese Snow Darling, and upon consuming a Canadian Wasabi Darling her stomach exploded. Think the first murder victim in that movie Se7en, but without the John Doe killer and Morgan Freeman.
Her funeral was attended by no one but the Paparazzi. Her dad sold his train ticket to the funeral for crack cocaine, her mother was dead, she had disowned her sister, and Angelina Jolie had temporarily blinked out of existence due to an Ontological time paradox, leaving the paparazzi free for the day. Her death pasted without much notice, but her legacy would live on...
The End for Darling?
Yes. She's dead.
- A state she would pretty much remain in for the rest of her ill-fated life