Crotch Killer

Water effects are used to dazzle and amaze potential riders into riding a Crotch Killer.

Crotch Killer (also known as a Top Spin) is a type of ride manufactured by HUSS Park Attractions that is infamous for killing the reproductive function of a male human simply by crushing their crotches. It is considered the most popular way to not have children in a marriage or becoming gay in an instant and it's thousands of instillation's attract over a million of these people per day. While it is considered a thrill ride, those who are either foolish or very stupid have even dared to ride the attraction with many people being too pussy to ride it because of fear it would crush their manhood.

History

The first known instance of the Crotch Killer was invented in the early 1800's by Dicus Erasus, who the story goes, invented the ride after seeing the primitive functions of other rides at the time. He saw attractions that only spinned in one direction, only went up in one direction and only went down in one direction and he wanted to create a ride that went up and down while spinning in multiple directions. He went through many prototypes before settling on one that looked like a wheely handle with a ribbon on it; needing a name, he went with the name "Crotch Killer" because it sounded cool at the time, much like a horror movie or a cheesy sci-fi action movie and also because it laid out in plain English, what would happen to your crotch if you rid it.

It debuted during the World's Fair of 1983 in Chicago where it became a truly massive hit, people who were tired of boring old spinning rides lined up to take a shot at the newfound Crotch Killer and those who rode the beast became the "bravest of the bravest", of course those who rode it felt "a massive pain in their crotch" but oddly enough no complaints arised from it because infertility was not a hot topic back then. It's success enticed amusement parks to have a Crotch Killer of their own and it's up and down motions and spinning brevity took the world by storm. Several instances of it would be named "Infertilizer" or "Fire Extinguisher" deriving from the name of said attraction and each of them would be popular in their own right, spawning lines that'd last for miles long.

It's success would go unimpeded until the 1970's where the advent popularity of sitcoms such as "All In The Family" would make infertility; suddenly, people stopped lining up for the Crotch Killers. The areas around them would become ghost towns, devoid of any life whatsoever and during this time, amusement parks sought fit to dismantle Crotch Killers due to their lack of profitability and the number of Crotch Killers would decline from 150,000 to just under 1,000. For once in it's lifetime, the Crotch Killer was the least popular thing since sliced bread.

Theme parks however would try to find ways to market the Crotch Killer without people catching on about it's infertility-causing powers. Knott's Berry Farm in 2004 installed a Crotch Killer attraction in their Boardwark section aptly called "RipTide" that was a replacement for their attraction which was popular but only spinned in one direction; marketing took notice to how cool the ride was and how it spun fast and neglected any mention of it killing crotches. The plan worked, suddenly people were lining up for the Crotch Killer once again, wanting to take a risk in Knott's newest "thill" attraction. It seemed like all was going well for the Crotch Killer.

Then people realized it was a Crotch Killer in disguise and ran away from the ride as quickly as possible. Today, nothing more than an empty line populates the ride and the ride has not been taken apart due to Knott's having nothing else to replace it with. Still, the ride has found a niche audience in the form of kid-hating people and gay aspires and while the ride was not as popular as it was in it's heyday, it still serves a purpose of providing thrills while at the same time disabling the reproductive function of a male human.

Ride Experience

Crotch Killer in action killing their crotches.

When you first take seat in the Crotch Killer, it's designed to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible by having the area around your crotch be as tight as possible. Your crotch may tell you that it's not safe to ride but your brain instantly disregards that assumption under the thought that it's a part of the process, and that you'll get a massive thrill least you want to be seen as a coward.

Then the ride starts, it lifts you as high as possible, then it spins you 90 degrees in order to put pressure on your crotch; it does so for a few seconds before spinning around and constantly crushing your crotch. The ride sometimes spins you upside down or returns to it's upright position but it's just a deception of the amusement park operators in order to make the ride look more "appealing".

The ride does this for a few minutes spinning in all sorts of directions and stopping suddenly many times in the process. It's operation is designed to hit you in the crotch as many times as possible while still giving you the maximum thrill; after a few minutes, the ride comes to a complete stop and you either get off the ride successful that it killed your crotch or you run away as far as possible from the ride while never turning back.

Effectiveness of the Crotch Killer

The effectiveness of the Crotch Killer has been disputed; while it is the easiest and quickest way to have your reproductive function killed, it often costs millions of dollars to install one and a personal loss of up to $50 to the amusement parks for a chance to ride said Crotch Killer. In addition, amusement parks have to cater to everybody inside of said park and because Crotch Killers are the most unpopular thing in existance; they have to take into consideration the amount of people in the amusement park rather than the few niche people who seek to have their crotches killed.

Some have said that getting someone to kick you in the crotch or getting into an xtreme sports accident is more effective than paying money for a Crotch Killer; mainly because it's free and doesn't require much than a common insult or a miscalculation of your handling. In fact many kids often go through the process of xtreme sports in the hopes that they can kill their crotch early rather than face the expectation of having children while many adults have their balls kicked in order to hopefully extinguish said reproductive function. However it doesn't take into consideration cautious parents who don't want to see their kids get hurt and adults who may not expect multiple blows to the crotch while their crotch heals; defenders say that not only does the Crotch Killer hit you in the crotch multiple times, it also ensures that reproduction gets killed as effectively as possible which xtreme sports or being kicked in the balls can't do as easily.

Appeal to females

Somehow, the ride can appeal to the female population of the human race due to the lack of a crushable crotch. They have found the thrill and excitement that many of them have lost due to their lack of care in the world for reproduction, in fact there exists a group who not only rides the Crotch Killers for fun, but also raise a pair of children on the side. Males have often contested the existence of female Crotch Killer riders due to their discomfort with standing near them in line, with one saying "Shit, I ain't standing next to them in line; I came here to get my penis killed, not have my penis eroused!" and another saying "I don't want to have my wife discover that I'm getting my balls killed, it's hard enough as it is just denying kids; these woman are nothin' but trouble!"

Attempts to prevent reproductive function

Unfortunately, several see it as a thrill ride rather than a way to kill infertility which often leads to the neutering of said ride in order to remove it's reproductive killing function; features such as a plastic cup similar to the ones used in soccer goalies have been implemented as a way to prevent impact of the crotch which leads to said infertilization while scientists have attempted to find a way to restore the reproductive function of a crotch through the magic of medicine. Said ways have often been questioned by the general public mainly because said plastic cups are suspectable to breaking and said restoration can easily cost billions of dollars, thus negating the effects a Crotch Killer can have on a person.

Additionally, amusement parks have redesigned the ride to be less thrillful by adding less motion and less spins; while this reduces the crotch killing aspect of said rides, it also takes away the thrill which the Crotch Killers have been known for in the past which leads to complaints from those who ride it for the thrill rather than the infertility causing aspect of it, which is reflected by the rides manufacturer HUSS who has complained about this very subject. Still, this method is seen as the only compromise that'll work as it allows little kids and grown men to ride it without fear of further hurting their crotches and out of the few thousand Crotch Killers that exist out there, fewer than 5% have taken the risky method of neutering their Crotch Killers to mixed results, many have found enjoyment in these neutered rides while some have complained that it resembles a kiddy ride more than a thrill ride.

References in Popular Culture

Sceencap from said episode of "Ow! My Balls"

• An episode of "Ow! My Balls" features the main character being coerced by friends to ride a Crotch Killer lest he get seen as pussy. His hilarious ride throughout the Crotch Killer is punctuated with multiple Ows along with provocative camera angles showing him in immense pain.
• An episode of "Will & Grace" featured Will getting on the ride in order to get out of having kids. Unfortunately Grace followed him to the ride and takes glee satisfaction when he sits next to him and witnesses his pain; his crotch are healed by magic later on.
• Nickelodeon's "Wild and Crazy Kids" offered each kid $1,000,000 dollars in return for riding a Crotch Rider. Usually prizes such as toys and trips to exotic destinations were offered but since they were dealing with the crotch killing nature of the ride, they were required to offer considerable compensation for the loss of a reproductive function.
• An issue of Popular Mechanics went into intricate detail about the ride from the spinning mechanism of the car to the lubricants used. This issue was released in order to quelm fears about the Crotch Killer; however, all it did was reaffirm the fears into the general public thus making this issue a failure. However it was a success among hardware fetishists who used this issue and the intricate details contained inside it as masturbation material; being enticed by the rotation throughout.
• "The O'Reilly Factor" had a segment going against the Crotch Killers stating that they threatened the American integrity of marrige. However since the majority of the American public thinks that O'Reilly was crazy, they did not take much consideration into the message. However the super rich and wealthy did take the message to heart, reinforcing their marriage in the face of Crotch Killers.
• One cartoon which I can't remember the name of used a Crotch Killer as an obstacle which the main character had to conquer. This was to be different from all of the other cartoons which utilized a roller coaster as said obstacle, in fact it could be said that those cartoons provided a positive role model for young kids while this said cartoon was criticized for being crass and rude.

See also

• Amusement park
• Stem cell
• Marriage
• Kids