County Mayo
“Better than Galway.”
County Mayo (Irish: Poblacht Chaitliceach Maigh Eo) (Irish: Maigh Eo, meaning "Plain of the good burger"), officially The Catholic Republic of Mayo, is an autonomous region within the Republic of Ireland. It is named after mayonnaise. Mayo is on the west coast of Ireland and until the discovery of America was at the very edge of civilisation, (this is obvious in the natives savage and uncouth ways). It is Ireland's third largest county but has a tiny population of under 100 settled people but up to 64,000 transient travellers.
History[edit | edit source]
The earliest inhabitants of Mayo lived at the Ceide Fields near Ballycastle. They cut down so many trees they destroyed the landscape turning the fertile land into bog and dooming Mayo to centuries of emigration and famine. These people migrated to Ballina and now run the local chamber of commerce and town council.
Later Grace O'Malley ruled the county and is ironically remembered as an Irish hero despite the fact she fought alongside the British against Irish rebels. Many men from the county fought in the 1798 rebellion but lost because pitch-forks and sods of turf were not effective against cannon. Mayo lost 90% of its population during the Great Famine and another 90% emigrated during the 1950s.
The county's autonomous status was guaranteed by a series of referendums during the mid-1990s, the results of which were 67.46% in favour of a Mayo leaving the island of Ireland and the remaining 32.54% voting for it to leave the planet altogether. Although the results of the referendum were nullified when it was discovered that it had stopped raining. Shortly after Mayo lost two All-Ireland finals in a row resulting in a mass suicide, an event repeated in 2004 and 2006.
In 2009 Mayo was gripped by an epidemic of crime in which 500 people died resulting in the monicker 'Stab County'. These were the first murders in Mayo since 2004 when Paidraig Nally killed a Traveller and was rewarded with the freedom of Ballinrobe and the Nobel Peace Prize.
Geography[edit | edit source]
It was decided that Mayo was to be omitted from the OSD maps as it was the only communist state remaining in Ireland after 1999. It is ruled over by the tyrannical dictator Enda Kenny who has held Mayo in his brutal iron fist of repression since the late 1970s. Anybody found to have in any way undermined the rule of Kenny is seized from their home by his followers (known as Blueshirts) and brought to his home in Islaneady where they mecilessly tortured. Plans are well underway to blow up the bridge at Achill Sound and use the Island to house all the Knackers/Convicts/Polacks from Ballina. The Project XXXAchillXXX will be completed by March 2011. Stage one of the project was in late November 2010 where the bridge was closed for a few hours with full funding from the Government.
Mayo contains two centres of pilgrimage, Croagh Patrick which is a pagan site that is for reason visited by Catholics, and Knock a small village whose inhabitants fooled people into believing the Virgin Mary had appeared there. They followed this by building an airport in the middle of a bog which is named Knock Airport despite the fact its in Charlestown.
Most of Mayo consists of wild bog and mountain and is completely uninhabited except by sheep and savage cannibalistic tribes such as the O'Malleys of Clare Island,Nalleys of Ballinrobe and Flynns from the capital city Castlebar City. Many geographers have attempted to explore the county but few have escaped unharmed. Because of this most maps of Ireland do not give any details of the county merely stating 'There be dragons'.
Dialect[edit | edit source]
"Mayoish" is a strange dialect confusing to outsiders. It consists of a nonsensical string of mispronounced English, occasional words of Irish origin, and some words clearly just made up by the speaker as they go along. A common greeting among speakers is the phrase 'Hows it goin' or alternatively the word 'Well' and 'Schan!'. Another unusual feature of the language is the tendency to add 'een' onto the names of items or creatures to suggest they are dimunative in size; for example 'dogeen', 'houseen', or 'girleen'. Also, a notable characteristic in Mayoish is the tendency to add the letter 'h' to words where unneccesshary.
Some areas of Mayo are in the Gaeltacht. In Tourmakeady, Connacht Irish is spoken but in Achill Island and Tourmakeady a bastardised mixture of Connacht Irish and Ulster Irish is spoken just to confuse everyone.
Demographics[edit | edit source]
Demographically, the county is most well-know for its one-person-rule. This rule, similar to the Chinese one-child-rule, makes it illegal for anything except exactly one person to be in the county at any one time. Consequently, population numbers have risen dramatically since the Great Famine of 1845-49, caused by the temporary closure for renovation of the county's sole McDonalds. The several Supermacs in the county helped alleviate this problem.
Most Mayo people actually live outside Mayo particularly in England, New York, Dublin, or Galway. In fact most people in Galway city are actually from Mayo or Roscommon-True Galwegians are almost non-existent.
The main centres of population in the country are the citys of Castlebar, Ballina and Westport. Ballina is known for its large population of knackers who steal food out of local bins and use the laneways for a toilet. Ballina has recently had a new road structure introduced by 2 of the smurfs, This is to encourage Ballina people to shop in Castlebar City. A border war has been running between Mayo and Roscommon over the town of Ballaghaderreen which is claimed by both counties but no-one wants. The city of Belmullet is reputed to exist but this has yet to be confirmed, people claiming to live there have been known to go missing for months on end with no trace, and employers wondering where their staff have gone to. stories of UFO sightings have been rubbished by local T.D Michael RingSting as being propaganda from Lord Lucan
Perhaps the most famous city in Mayo is Castletown formerly known as Swinford,(beal atha na muice)(shithole)home to Eddie Durkan and Buzz McDonnell. Recently a documentary entitled 'Hardy Bucks' aired on British television which gave an insight in the lives of Mayo people by following Eddie ans Buzz as they went about their daily business. Frequently they find their lives interfered with by 'The Viper' a mysterious figure with delusions of grandeur who causes mischief in the town apparently unaware his mother has worms.
Economy[edit | edit source]
A recent technology boom, focusing on the production of fire, wheels and wooden poking instruments, has lifted employment in the once impoverished economy. Centred mainly in the high-rise metropolis districts of Castlebar and Ballina, these industrial development has changed the face not only of these regions but many out-lying areas also. Unemployment now runs at a record low of 84.3% of males over 16. Women are disallowed from ordinary paid employment. Sex, discovered by two cousins during a farming accident last year, provides the only source of income for many.
The women of Mayo are notoriously easy (not on the eye) and frequently attend Copper Face Jacks in Dublin looking for some "Wavin". The men of the country are mostly sleazy men who sit at the bar wearing leather jackets commenting on the amount of 'young talent' there is to be found.
Sport[edit | edit source]
Mayos hurling record is poor mainly because the technology required to make hurls is not available. However its footballers have been very successful winning every All-Ireland title since 1951, except in 1999 when the team fell foul to a mild dose of smallpox, in 2004 when the Country was too busy celebrating its Independence from the Republic of Ireland five years celebration and in 2006 when the Kerry Team put Laxitives in their tea before the match leaving many of the Mayo Players missing off the pitch for long periods of time. The team used to be managed by a nobody Blueshirt John O'Mahoney who is from Kilmovee/Ballaghaderreen/Cant decide and who is also a TD. By seizing control of both politics and sport he hoped to eventually take control of the country in a bloody coup as he secretly hates Blueshirt Leader Enda Kenny, brother of the less attractive Kenny from South Park and Pat Kenny who denies he is from Mayo
Among the most prominent players in the county is Conor Mortimer who is known for his love of Michael Jackson, his perfect spelling, his safe driving, and his extreme modesty. Other famous players include Willie Joe Padden who struck so much fear into Galwegians that they "hadn't a hope of batein Mayo" and Ciaran McDonald as well known for hid luscious blonde locks as his superb footballing ability.
The King Of The Town competition as shown on the documentary series The Hardy Bucks is nearly in every city and town of the Republic.
The Achill Sheep Show and Mullranny Sheep Show has a sheep shearing competition in which competitiors are forced to mow sheep with lawnmowers is a professional sport Resulting in painful sheep the competitions are sponsored by Carrols Ciggeretes
The new Achill-Westport bypass motorway cost the Council 455million it took 5 years to build and was deemeed unsafe to use as the road was too thin and the Mullranny Bridge massacre which seen the Bridge gave way after local Farmer Paddy Tom Sunny Eddie Cafferkey-Boyle-Potter-Ibrahamovic brought his Donkey and cart across the Bridge he was on his way to the Mart in CastletownThe Greenway as it is now called is now used by cyclists and walkers alike and a stage of Le Tour de Mayo is held there every year.
Mayo has started bidding for the 2026 Winter Olympics since 2000 along with some help with surrounding countries of Ireland.[Officeal site!] The 15 host citys if Mayo win the bid are Achill Island Ballina Belmullet Ballyhaunis Breaffy Castlebar Castletown Clare Island Claremorris Crossmolina Foxford Innisbiggle Island Killala Louisberg and Westport.Losing applicants include Balla (Republic Of Mayo) Ballycroy Bangor Erris Bohola Hollymount Mullranny Newport(Catholic Republic Of Mayo) Ballymory Ballintubber Kilmore Tourmakeady BACK THE BID!
 | This article was mentioned in Mayo Advertiser, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left. You can read all about it here. |