Cosby Canard
“I almosht shaid a Coshby Canard onsh, but then I realished that I had ran out of Jello pudding! Sho, I shmacked a niglet.”
The Cosby Canard is a type of urban farce or superlative colloquium popularized by the ex-baptist Irish-Nigerian monk and juvenile motivator Bill Cosby. This particular brand of verbal utterances, which frequently appears in late night low-budget sitcom commercials and children's cartoons from the 1970s, is used as a comical anecdote to confuse the sane and orderly by asserting to them that everything and anything that exists in the universe is somehow like pudding.
Some people however, particularly parents, refrain from using the romantic versions of the anecdote outside of the bedroom for fear that their children may become prematurely corrupted by adulthood. The general format of the Cosby Canard begins with a dependent clausal address; then is separated by a comma, then a noun is mentioned, and then finally the statement ends with the insistence that said noun is simply "like pudding" or "like (verb) pudding" or even "like (adverb) pudding." The independent clause which contains the "like pudding" ultimately concludes the anecdote and will subsequently leave your audience in a hilarious state of confusion and awe.
Example: "y'see children, gettin' laid is an awful lot like gettin puddin'."
History[edit | edit source]
After being imprisoned offshore for 278 years, Dr. William H Cosby Jr. was granted, in full consortium, general amnesty without parole on the count of lurid fagotry and attempting escape 34,157 times by constructing makeshift canoes and fishing boats from plastic prison utensils.
In the midst of his final escape, William was found convulsing on one of his boats underneath a beach umbrella, made from a single layer of fishing net, while lounging on a futon assembled from thumb tacks and a shit-load of glue. Upon returning to his master's plantation in 1968, William discovered that the cotton fields were more or less completely sown. To his sheer astonishment, there were "no good folk attendin'" to the harvest. Bill therefore went and purchased a hoe and scythe from the local pimpery with his Visa-Mastercard and pursued to clear several acres of remaining virgin ground.
It was in this effort that William's recollection of age-old studio civil rights a'cappella chain-gang chants in which he manifested the Cosby Canard by a fatefull thought; the pudding entered into the subject when an unforeseeable but logical inference arose. Bill had actually not been returned to his past slave colony of Alabam a as he originally surmised but was mistakenly laded to a coastal Columbian cocaine field where he casually hallucinated to the best of his abilities and registered all unstationary matter as being pudding-like or "like puddin'," hence the canard.
Syntax[edit | edit source]
A typical Cosby Canard will begin with a single dependent clause and will end with an independent clause which typically embraces the merits of humor for the insane. The word order item “y'see” will always appear in the predicative portion of the sentence; next the subject-oriented noun will follow and which often, but not always, is proceeded by a verb or adverb (indicating the type of causality); next comes the "is like" (a simile indicating effect) will follow; and then finally the word "puddin" will strike successfully ending the sentence and conversation.
Once the statement is completed, it is customary to bring cadence to your argument by babbling incoherently for a few seconds afterwards. This most often will be seen to be effective after a complex Cosby Canard or a simple "Y'see, ..." prefix indicating a generalized assurance.
Simple Example: “Y'see, makin' friends is a lot like makin' puddin'. (Begin mumbling incoherently before your audience as if there were a baby alligator stuck in your throat).”
This particular application of the Cosby Canard solely depends upon how annoyed your audience is with the first brief portion of the statement or previously mentioned statements. It serves as a catalyst to enhance the attention of your listeners or to relieve yourself of unwanted oration.
Semantics and Purpose[edit | edit source]
The principal governing factor behind a Cosby Canard is solely the wit and application. The premise of any Cosby Canard suggests that an old Black male, complete with pullover cotton sweater, is vicariously reminiscing about some distant memory stemming from the fabricated past life of an NBA all-star or cotton slave who probably had never existed before the thought was dwelled upon. Nevertheless, the moral of the statement is that the old senile black male forgets the moral of the statement and ultimately submits the allusion of puddin' interfacing with the subject of the argument. The concluding statement MUST hold true that absolutely no rational causality towards the originally stated premise. Hence, the narrator (i.e. Bill Cosby) is made out to be fruitfully insane, senile, and always inept to carrying out socially acceptable storytelling banter. This is, to some extent, due to the bad memory of the speaker; they either cannot remember how or why they or someone else did something or they have become too lazy to bring about proper closure to the anecdote and will end the conversation with some random allusion.
Use in Pediatrics[edit | edit source]
Adults or children listening to the four second tale will finish their encounter by starring blankly at the speaker (Cosby), who is now muttering to himself incoherently, and then exiting the Cosby Manor in utter confusion and disgust. The speaker (Bill Cosby) will stand/sit still and stare at you blankly as you walk away.
The most important rule to remember when practicing the Cosby Canard in regards to purpose is that your statement must possess complete and total disregard for purpose or utilitarian conjunctive cause/effect rationality. There should be no legitimate means of judgment in any case whatsoever. This is a brief anecdote which plans to recall the tale of some moral event and then resolve its premise with an inadvertent pudding.
86' Scandal[edit | edit source]
In the midst of Dr. Cosby's career height in family-oriented sitcom programming, there also lingered a supposition of hypocrisy in the midst Bill's overall favorable disposition towards his chocolate pudding penchant. A team of vanilla pudding fed paparazzi were summoned to privately investigate Dr. Cosby's daily activities and life style off-camera. To no surprise of their own, Dr. Cosby was found to be exhibiting lewd and lascivious behaviors while frequenting burlesque clubs and highway rest-stops. This particular activity was nothing out of the ordinary for respectable and educated television icons after child-superstar Mr. Rogers left his footprint trafficking eight-year olds in Thailand in 1984.
Phonology & Dialectics[edit | edit source]
Please note, that when dealing with Cosby-esque linguistics or phonology, a functional dialectic to indicate the lethargy of Bill Cosby such as those present in words like “the” or “that” are morphologically altered to a “Da” or "De" sound. Subsequently, words such as “and” or “or” would become altered to “n'” and “o'.” Get it?
For example, instead of saying: When I get on the bus, I sit in the back row, Cosby says: When I get on da bus, I sit in de back row.
Original Model Quotations[edit | edit source]
“Y'see folks, parfait is a kinda like vanilla contaminated puddin', you can hardly taste de chocolate cause it's been replaced with fruit n when you open de puddin, da vanilla just sittin' der on the top sayin "whatchu lookin' at nigga?" and you like "what da fuck nigga, I axed 4 chocolate puddin. Son bitch honkey, gimmie ma bread back."”
“Y'see rabbits, findin' an unpicked carrot is kinda like findin' an unopened box o' Jello puddin in the pantry. It's just sittin' back there wit da corn syrup and the grape juice n the... ”
“Y'see old folks, geriatrics are kinda like pharmaceutical puddin', whatever that may be, it's somewhere in the back o' de bathroom pantry collectin' dust wit de ointment n de corn syrup n de contraceptives n de clothes hangers...”