Cloud-man
“Well, my name's Cloud-man, and my ablity is to turn into a cloud.”
“So, Cloud-man... guy's got something to do with clouds, right?”
“One time, I was taken hostage on a plane, and Cloud-man just came in and turned himself into a cloud.”
“Yeah, I really hate the guy. Misted up the windscreen on my car, I crashed, and my wife and kids died. Interestingly, that's how I became a villain.”
Origins[edit | edit source]
The semi-legendary semi-super-hero commonly known as Cloud-man was born James Fogg to a poor, very ugly family from Essex. His father was a terrible carpenter, and his mother lived off benefits, not sharing any money with the rest of the family. He lived a hard upbringing, always, quite literally overshadowed by his morbidly obese but undeniably charismatic and intellectually superior older brother. At the age of 15, he left home to work at a McDonald's, along with his brother. At some time during his shift one day, he somehow became trapped in the deep fat fryer. He was not found for several days, but when they finally released him, he had gained his semi-amazing ability to change into a cloud. Doctors called it "a medical marvel". After the incident, he never spoke to his brother again.
Clinical Depression[edit | edit source]
Realising that his powers were somewhat crap compared to other superheroes of the time, for example Captain Obvious and Batman, Cloud-man descended into a bout of serious depression. He was admitted to a mental institute, but turned into a cloud to escape through the air vents. Once outside, he befriended a raccoon, which showed him the path to enlightenment and how to reach true harmony with his inner cloud. Cloud-man was, needless to say, on some really bad drugs those days.
Death and Reincarnation[edit | edit source]
On his first crime-stopping spree at the age of 24, Cloud-man entered a duel with Dr. Condensation. As his enemy was an experienced criminal, Cloud-man was quickly murdered, being condensed into a small puddle which Dr.Condensation then urinated into as a sign of victory. However, as it was a hot day, Cloud-man re-evaporated, and in a fit of rage, choked Dr. Condensation to death by climbing down his throat. Spectators of the battle called the fight "ridiculous", "funny", and "really damn weird". During an interview after the incident, Cloud-man ran off crying to his raccoon friend. Speculation claimed that Dr. Condensation had in fact been a victim of one of Cloud-man's infamous fogs.
Instant Popularity[edit | edit source]
Due to paparazzi relentlessly stalking him, Cloud-man achieved fame and fortune when it emerged that he was in fact a friend of Captain Obvious. The two were seen together having coffee at a Starbucks. Almost instantly, the rights to a film, video game and graphic novel were snatched up. Guillermo Del Toro made a biography of his life, EA published an eponymous game and Marvel Comics almost instantly released Cloud-man: The Man Behind the Cloud. His career as a crime-fighter ended at this point, because he had a lot of money to fall back on to.
Death[edit | edit source]
Needless to say, the fact that he had sold out to the media annoyed many real superheroes. Superman, Captain America and the Teletubbies, despite living in different universes formed the 'I Hate Cloud-man Club'. The fact that many important figureheads of the modern age, as well as Superman and Captain America, were backing the IHCC campaign bought it much support. To counter this attack, Cloud-man formed the 'Superman, Captain America and the Teletubbies Are Crap Society', SCATACS for short. Captain Obvious and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were just a few of the morons who joined this club. Enraged by being insulted in such a way, the IHCC grouped together to kill Cloud-man. They attacked him with all their strength, but he merely turned into cloud form to avoid harm. The IHCC did manage to trap him in a jar, and he is now kept in the Pentagon.