Chromebook
“Eight seconds to boot up... five minutes for Chrome to load.”
The Chromebook is a computer manufactured by Google. It is popular in schools due to its powerful CPU (capable of running Minesweeper and Snake at the same time), advanced crashing ability, and decorational graphics chip. Built from the Linux operating system, it aims to be simple for students to use, overload, and yell at.
It is frequently described as 'dirt-cheap', a fitting name as most of the components, including the keyboard, frame, and CPU, are all made from mud brick.
Components[edit | edit source]
As a leader in innovation, Google has abandoned outdated materials such as metal and plastic for the Chromebook: it is manufactured entirely from recycled materials, notably mud-brick for the keyboard and ethically collected polished horn for the screen. The touchpad is made from an unknown material, although many guess it is a form of manure from the smell, the feel, and most notably, the quality!
Battery[edit | edit source]
The Chromebook boasts an efficient battery, capable of powering it for 8 hours in a store demonstration and able to get through a school day with one tab open and without any video calls. If you run any games whatsoever, its gone in 2 nanoseconds.
CPU[edit | edit source]
The Chromebook's CPU is known for being the top of its range, being much more speedy than other clay blocks of the same size. With advanced crashing capabilities rivalling Windows at only a fraction of the cost, the Chromebook is gaining users fast.
Winter 2020 Special Features[edit | edit source]
For Christmas 2020, Google unveiled two new features: Flash Freeze and Snow Storm.
Flash Freeze[edit | edit source]
Flash Freezes happen randomly, although its chances are increased during a Google Meet. The screen suddenly freezes and cannot be used until the user melts it with a flamethrower[1]. It is commonly followed by a Snow Storm.
Snow Storm[edit | edit source]
Snow Storms usually follow a Flash Freeze. The screen is meant to turn white. However, the feature had to be disabled due to a bug in which the screen turned black and crashed the device.
Child Protection[edit | edit source]
Due to many students using it, Google has a sophisticated child protection system. The software automatically blocks harmful sites such as Hotmail, Google Classroom, and Wikipedia[citation needed].
In more serious cases, an immediate shutdown may be needed to prevent unauthorized activity. The Chromebook does this when students watch irrelevant videos on Youtube, have more than two tabs open at once, or in extreme cases breathe.
Whereas Google encourages kids to visit safe sites such as Pornhub.
Arguably the safest most important feature of a chromebook is its ability to double up as a chest plate in the event of a school shooting, due to the fact that the outer casing is virtually indestructible
Cross-platform support[edit | edit source]
The Chromebook supports many other file types, such as Word documents and Powerpoint presentations. It uses a sophisticated algorithm to convert the file to a readable format and then immediately deletes it.
Zoom and Microsoft Teams are also supported, although the system adds a five-second delay and an artificial echo to make the experience as similar as possible to Google Meet.
It also can open 7z files, which are good for pirating random crap and literally nothing else.
Safety features[edit | edit source]
With the cutting-edge technology in this revolutionary computer, there were bound to be some issues. Thankfully, Google prepared for this with the BoomBomb Defense. Whenever a task that requires more than 10 seconds to complete is initiated, the computer will painstakingly uninstall everything on it, and then spontaneously combust. This feature was praised for its simple design, saving users from long wait times, and encouraging them to get a new computer.
Awards[edit | edit source]
The Chromebook has been nominated for many awards, including the 4000BC Neolithic Technology Award (2nd place after 'Big Wood Stick™'), the Sumerian Processor Prize, and the Google WMTAJSOCCHO (We Made This Award Just So Our Computers Can Have One) Award.
In 2021 the International Association of Lagging has awarded the chromebook the most prestigious award in lagging, the award. it is the only laptop to receive the professional lag machine award, that has been officially certified by IAOL.
- ↑ The Uncyclomedia Foundation and its affliates are not responsible for lost screens, flamethrowers, and fingers from following this advice.