Chayanne
“Only one word...YES.”
“¡Tú vas a morir! ¿Puedes oir me? ¡Voy a poner una cucharra en tu trasero!”
Elmer Figueroa Arce (born June 28, 1968), best known under the stage name Chayanne, is a Puerto Rican-Irish Latin pop singer and actor who is known for several songs all made popular by Ricky Martin, which include Livin' La Vida Loca and Does It Hurt When I Kick Your Nads Like That?. Chayanne has also won multiple awards for his musical talents. He was the #1 Latin Pop Music Lord of the Latin Pop Music Dance in Iraq for several years.
One of his most famous quotes was made the first time he was on Oprah in 1992 alongside Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. He said, "I rreally don't ehno whether eef I had been to the Estados Unidos when I was a children. But perrrrhaps eet was meant to be." Oprah was so mystified by this statement, she made out with Chayanne right then and there, in a very promiscuous manner that would never have made it into HBO much less the Internet.
He resides in Puerto Rico where he has called his ranch mansion, "Little PeePee House." (He didn't understand what "peepee" was until AFTER he had carved the name into the golden arches above his door.)
Humble and Embarrassing Beginnings[edit | edit source]
Chayanne was given the name Elmer Figueroa Arce when he was born as punishment for flinging placenta into his mother's face. He took the name Chayanne after a major disaster at his school. Apparently Antonio Banderas had some sort problem with Elmer giving him dirty looks during Future Stars of Latin America and Beyondclass. Banderas walked straight up to Elmer at siesta time and cut his entire face off with some sort of aluminum tipped, wooden shank fashioned out of the playground wood chips and a Señor Pepper can. All the kids laughed and the teachers chimed in with the occasional ¡CHUPALO!. As goes with violent crimes such as this, most are overlooked in Latin American countries because the police were down at the 7-11 sucking down a nice Carona or rolling their own ciagarillos outside of said 7-11. In any case, no one cared about poor Elmer's newly acquired muscular dystrophy or his lack of a face, but he got through kindergarten just fine.
After the extensive skin grafts that were generously donated by the local pet cemetery, Elmer's dad (Puss in Boots from the lovable children's movie Shrek 4: Boozin' It) thought that he no longer resembled Dustin Hoffman and so they just decided to start calling him Chayanne. Thus the Puerto Rican Latin Pop Wizard Master's beautiful name was born...
Before He Was Famous[edit | edit source]
Chayanne was not a troubled youth despite having dead cats sown onto his face. He graduated from Pueblo Town High School Escuela at fourty-ninth out of fifty students. His teacher had much to say about Chayanne:
“Who? OH! Ju meen dat estupid keed who didn't eben no deh numbear esix from una cucaracha!”
Chayanne wanted to go to the University of Puerto Rico, but he wasn't accepted because of his obsession with his entrance counselor's third nipple. Chayanne's defence was:
“I'm sorry. Three just so happens to be my lucky ehnumber.”
He was deported back to his home country of Ireland because of an unfortunate incident with President Regan. No cameras were available in the University of Puerto Rico, but a reliable source told CNN that Regan was trying to take a wizz in peace but an uncontrollably intoxicated Chayanne actually mugged the President of the United States, and as Puerto Rico is 2/3 a State of the America, Regan had Chayanne deported AND spanked with a lead pipe. His buns were infected for weeks and he had diarrhea for months. As you can imagine, Chayanne later described this as, "Ehworst ehber."
Falling in with the wrong company (namely the IRA) Chayanne became a disillusioned social revolutionist. He organized bombings to gun fights; illegal executions and very illegal make-out sessions. He led bar brawls and even poisoned Bono's pint at Lucky's Bar/Grill and Fine Dining (Luckily [haha] they were able to siphon the poison using a vacuum and a leaf blower set to 'suck'.). There seemed to be no end to his self destructive pattern until one day, he met the love of his life, the beautiful and incomparable Enya.
The Romantic Tale of Chayanne and Enya[edit | edit source]
They met at a Stonehouse Pipers reunion concert. Chayanne was planning an aerial strike on the concert grounds and Enya was hanging off of the arm of Thin Lizzy's Phil Lynott. They caught each other's eye and were immediately attracted. As Enya was later quoted:
“Oh yes. I remember that Stonehouse Piper's Reunion Fundraiser. I was dating Phil Lynott and even though I was only eight years of age, I can remember being mature enough to know that his stupid "rock" band was going no where and I had no future with him. Then, I caught a glimpse of some sort of Irish/Puerto Rican man and it was love at first lust.”
It was around a quarter to midnight when Chayanne finally could not stand it any longer. His fellow IRA members did not understand why Chayanne was behaving in such a way. Usually he would treat women like adopted two legged dogs who were good for nothing... but this lady was different. She had grace and she also had style... plus she could breakdance to bagpipe music which is in reality extremely impressive. If you think about it, how many different beats and sounds are going on when someone is playing the bagpipes? Possible like, eight. So add in the rest of the Stonehouse Pipers and you got like... uh... 64 different sounds. I mean, you would need way more arms and legs... Enya was just a freak.
“The girl's a the freak of the week, she never misses a beat! YEAH-EEE-YEAH-EE!”
To make a long and boring story shorter and less boring, Chayanne and Enya were not to be together that night. Lynott got massively hammered and hopped up on the stage, mid-set, and started to scream, "COME TO DINO'S SATURDAY FOR SOME THIN LIZZY ACTION! YEAH! THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN AND IF THEY WANNA FIGHT YOU BETTER LET 'EM!" As soon as he said that, drink flowed and blood was spilt. The IRA whipped out their Uzzis and started to shoot everyone that they thought looked similar to any sort of politician. In all the mess, Chayanne tried desperately to find the amazing lady of beauty but she was gone. The incident became known as the Great Stonehouse Pipers' Rumble of 1969.
But the story doesn't end there. Some wish it did, but it doesn't so they can just go do heroin and get addicted to it and die. Later, in 1988, Chayanne had been deported (again) from Ireland after they found nuclear weapons hidden in his potato feild. He left his homeland in the past and moved to the place where it was easiest for illegal immigrants to just crop up... that's right! It's not Iraq or Iran or Pakistan or Tajikastan! It's THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!
AMERICA[edit | edit source]
As soon as Chayanne got to America, he swore he would leave his life of terrorism behind and pursue one that was easy, making millions as a solo artist. He had been participating in several bands in the LA area. He was actually one of the original members of Night Ranger but left after guitarist Brad Gillis still wanted him to play the maracas instead of proceding to play the acordian.
“Who? OH! I remember him. That former IRA terrorist. Wasn't he somehow Puerto Rican AND Irish at the same time? Yeah, he was one @#%$@#%# up dude. I remember... ”
It was a tough struggle to the top, but finally he got his voice heard. He was signed to Sony BMG because he would not leave the studio unless they killed him. They tried, but he had been in the IRA for too long to submit to any form of torture, be it as inhumane as it was.
“Wow. This guy sounds pretty hardcore. We need him in the Scientoligist Church. We're in need of an ambassador to Perto Rica. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh ha.”
Life in Sony Digital[edit | edit source]
Chayanne created forty EP's to give to the producers at Sony BMG. They looked at it, burned it, threw up and locked Chayanne in a water tower. There he struggled daily to capture rats for food (yes, in the water tower) and possibly come up with a song that would make every single Hispanic male and Caucasian female shake their tail-feathers.
One day, as Chayanne was picking the syringes out of his face, he thought of his first hit song that was bigger than any song, ever in the history of the entire world combined together. Mi Nombre Es Chayanne was written with a Spanish name, giving it that Latin Pop flavor that all the ladies and ALL the queers were on about.
“Eet was ak-too-ully a grrrreat esong becoz uf deh esweet esounding eenstrrrromentes een deh esong. Might I ejoost add dat ju are elooking elovely today, Oprah.”
Enya + Chayanne = BFF 4 Lyfe[edit | edit source]
With his now platinum album Chayanne Le Gusta Asi and his smooth Latin slicked back hair, Chayanne was just about as foxy as anything gets...and Enya knew it.
“I recognized him on Oprah in 1997 and despite her being like 50 years older than him, he still had the cahones to ask her out on a date. That was what made me fall in love with him.”
Enya raced down to the Oprah studios and before Oprah could answer "YES! PLEASE YOU HOT STEAMING HUNK OF PUERTO RICAN/IRISH LOVE SYRUP!" Enya had put her cleated boots to Oprah's face, mangling it horribly. With a thing against face disfigurements (aside from his own) Chayanne quickly embraced his long lost love. They made out for hours.
Present Day Chayanne[edit | edit source]
Chayanne's estimated net worth comes up to an astonishing $800,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 which for anyone who doesn't want to count all those zeros is more than the world has ever had. He uses most of it as blankets, or as fuel for his sweat shop furnace. The little children there are the ones that make all of the Nike apparel. Some of the spare money actually goes to his laboratory where he has created the world's first unicorns.
“Unicorns? Sexy.”
Additional Information[edit | edit source]
Chayanne has indeed risen out from the ashes. Once a poor, disfigured boy named Elmer, he is now a multi-platinum Latin Pop Music Wizard Overlord with more money than Aslan and better bands than Tom Jones or Queen Latifah. Here are a few of his most famous quotes:
“Esuck it.”
“Ju can't geet a monkey to dance for ju at dee San Diego zoo. How I would pay for a dancing monkey.”
“Oye, chica, puedo compararte unas flores? Podemos besar...”
“Bud-Light. Eet's berry sexy-licious!”
Contacting Chayanne[edit | edit source]
Is frikkin' impossible so don't even try.