Chad Smith/Classic
“Chad Smith eats drums for breakfast, man. Of course, along with the usual two servings of fruit and three of grain.”
Chad Smith (born October 25, 1961) is the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He is frequently confused with comedian Will Ferrell.
His Career[edit | edit source]
Chad Smith began his career in the working world as a lowly child proctologist's assistant in Gary, Indiana at the age of 18, directly following his highschool graduation. After the proctologist he assisted, Dr. Jim McGreevey, decided to trash his current job and become a polotician, Chad grew quite upset, and wound up working in a shoe factory. After his employer discovered Chad using the shoe leather for unintended and immoral purposes, he was abrubtly removed from his position and thrown into jail. He is currently lined up to appear on the TV special "Celebrity lookalike celebrity boxing" He is being trained by Will Ferrell (his lookalike) to fight Keith Lemon who is being trained by Owen Wilson who he suprisingly, looks like.
Jail Time[edit | edit source]
When Chad arrived in jail, he was immediately an object of torment for the other inmates. They repeatedly, and forcefully, alienated him by refusing to let him join in jail-wide games of duck, duck, goose, as well as replacing all of his normal underwear with leather thongs. However, they soon ceased from their cruel ways when they discovered that Chad had fashioned an escape route onto his body with hundreds of different tattoos that they could easily use to free themselves from prison. There was a catch, though, as Chad absolutely would not leave unless he was able to smuggle out his brother, Joseph Smith, as well as himself. So, he and a group of his prison friends broke into Joseph's all-plastic cell, which he shared with Magneto, and they were able to smuggle everyone out safely. They were all later given presidential pardons because the president of the time thought it would be quite amusing to grant convicted murderers and rapists their freedom. Soon after his escape from prison he sucked off marilyn manson outside a dairy queen.
His Career Part II: The Making of a Rock Drummer[edit | edit source]
The year was 1988, and Chad had been free from the confines of jail for many years. Various odd jobs had supported him and his seven illegitimate children, such as brief stints as a Department Store Santa, where he would "Give it Away," ("It" being gifts for needy children, of course). However, one day he happened to be nude sunbathing outside when a large storm came through, and soon he was "Naked in the Rain." He happened to be pretty "Dosed" at the time, so much, in fact that he thought he was "On Mercury," yet he still managed to find his way to "Higher Ground" before all the precipitation caused the area to flood. Luckily, a "Police Helicopter" arrived "Right on Time" to rescue him. He would have felt much safer in an "Aeroplane," but he neglected to realize that he was being taken "Around the World" by a group of "Sexy Mexican Maid[s]" who hijacked the aircraft. He immediately delivered a "Deep Kick" into the face of one of the hijackers, reportedly saying '"Taste the Pain," bitch,' directly afterwards. Fearing being kicked in the face, the rest of the hijacking maids jumped out of the helicopter, while the original pilot, named "Charlie," phoned his fellow policemen on the ground, noting that some "Skinny, Sweaty Man" had just saved his life. Once back on the ground, Smith heard that the rock group, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were looking for a new drummer, so he ended some fairies' lives for good luck, and went to the audition. Despite never playing the drums before in his life, he kicked ass, and got the job, even with the large "Purple Stain" on his shirt he attained from killing fairies directly beforehand. "By the Way," if you haven't noticed already, there is a multitude of Red Hot Chili Peppers' song references in this particular section (Which we "Cant Stop"), enough to almost make the writer of this article feel like exploding in a fit of tears.
Almost.
Fairies[edit | edit source]
Chad Smith has been the drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers since the late 1980's, but has been kicking fairies' butts since the beginning of time. The word "fairies" in this context refers to actual fairies, and is not being used as slang for people of the gay race. Anyway, whenever he gets pissed, he walks into the nearest forest with a fairy-lute, on which he plays a soft, harmonious song. On hearing the beautiful tones of the fairy-lute, fairies within a three-mile radius float over to the source of the music, which they don't realize is just an angered comedic actor who wants to kick their sorry asses. Once the fairies have gathered in his immediate area, Smith takes out his fairy-taser, and quickly stuns them all. He then snaps the neck of each individual fairy, making sure to grunt like a chimpanzee whilst doing so. After this, he returns home and makes himself some mashed potatoes. He does this about thrice a week.
Individual Tastes[edit | edit source]
As far as individual tastes go, Chad Smith's are the following:
- In Music: Hellogoodbye; Peter, Paul, and Mary; The White Stripes; and all Disney music.
- In Transportation: Chad rarely drives cars; usually getting around by paying homeless people to carry him around on their backs.
- In Countries: Chad's favorite country is Canada. No one really knows why, but it could be because of their national healthcare and cheaper Rx drugs.
- In Religion: Chad is a devout Scientologist. Ok, he's really an Episcopalian, but you believed me there for a second.
- In Clothing: Chad hardly wears anything other than paper bags over his tighty-whities, but always wears high heeled shoes. It helps him fit in with the common people more.
- In Planets: Chad's favorite planet is Pluto. Um...yeah...this is awkward...(No one's really broken the news to Chad yet. Please, I beg, you, don't. The fate of the planet Earth rests on your ability to keep this secret from him. Don't ask me how; just do it.)
- Egyptian Tassel Monkeys - No one exactly knows what category this falls into, but it is well known that whatever they are are one of Chad's Individual Tastes.
Headgear[edit | edit source]
Smith is never seen without a covering of some sort on his head, if he were to take it off, the sheer magnitude of his percussive abilities would cause the universe to implode.