UnBooks:Those uncomfortable moments when no one knows what to do
And so ...
The board games are on the table, the punch is spiked (real hard) and the seconds tick until our friends arrive. We drink, we play, we stare into each other's eyes – a few seconds too long for our own good. The dogs get petted and the kids are put to bed, the laughs become squeals ... sensual squeals. The jokes get saucier, the ice melts and everything starts buzzing hard. At some point during the night, the big question arises: "Should we do anything when the dogs rape each other?"
First ... the answer
No. They should, in fact, be encouraged to rape each other. Its midnight, you and your company are on the third drink, happy and tipsy, the dogs start raping each others orifices, you should form a circle and cheer them on. You can bet on which dog rapes which (an excellent party game). So laugh and laugh the night away. No one gets hurt. The dogs might feel a slight sensation of tearing tissue and crushed veins, but only one of them does really and just for a few days.
Your neighbours could bring their dogs next time and maybe they'll force themselves onto yours. No! Make sure it's your dog who performs canine violation. Buy some Viagra ahead of time and mash it into his food. You'll feel better knowing your dog was the hot stud. Your household honour is on the line you see.
Reasons for
It's thrilling and provides motivation for your company to come over next time. Face it, these nights together are monotonous, none of you connect closely except for those hard drinks and other substances. Having your dogs rape each other or even the promise of that happening is one more reason to hang out despite having nothing in common.
It's a great story to tell at the office the next day. After people talk about their kids' hockey games and tea parties you can announce to everyone that your dog raped your neighbours' dogs' colons to smithereens. Everyone in the office will be jealous and you just might have some new company in the future. Anyone who comes over to your house after hearing that is the kind of company you want to have.
Reasons against
There is no reason to stop your dogs from raping each other in front of company.
Highlights
It's a lot of fun watching dogs rape each other. Hi-lights include watching a small dog rape a big one, two female dogs raping the shit out of each others faces, one dog raping the other so hard it thinks its on the planet Pluto.
Legal problems
It's technically illegal to encourage dogs to rape each other. There is no law that says you must discourage it. You can watch them force themselves on each other's anuses and vaginas only if it's spontaneous. If you just happen to feed them both a kilo of aphrodisiacs and corner them in the living room, then that doesn't mean it was encouraged. The argument should stand up in court.
Raping the dogs yourself in front of company
Do this only if you are completely sure your company is into it. Bring up the idea as a joke and check their reaction. If uncomfortable laughs become eyerolls which turn into staring off into space longing for the thrill of raping dogs then by all means initiate a canine a gang bang. Naturally check with your spouse first. If he/she isn't interested, do that sort of thing during a poker game or the likes. Texas holdem and doggy-style rodeos make a great pair.
Bypassing the dogs and directly raping your company yourself
This is a very grey zone. Raping your company poses theoretical problems like unwanted pregnancies and long-term animosity.
Having your dog rape your company
This is also quite a grey zone. In some cases it's not a good idea to let your dog rape your company, as they may not come over to your house again.
What about getting your friends to rape each other?
That might be a neat idea.
Dealing with the aftermath, the next morning
Whether it's your dog raping your other dog or your neighbours' dogs – or your boss or you raping a pack of Dalmatians – there is always a mess to clean up the next day. If the mess is simply stains on the carpets, well, don't do it over the carpets you silly turkey. Pad your house with plastic wrap. If your problems are of a legal nature, don't let your dogs rape your co-workers in countries where imprisonment is likely. You are bound to be the object of many scary people's enjoyment in that place.
Criticism
Anyone who criticizes dog rape has never witnessed it before and is jealous. They should be invited over to your house as soon as possible. They should bring their dogs and their loved ones. Much like fight club, if it's anyone's first time, they mustn't discourage anything that might happen.
Social networking
Lots of Facebooking and Tweeting goes on re canine molestation – not to mention TikTok – and dogfoolery is always a sensation on YouTube. (Unfortunately a lot of un-friending also happens.) There's no better way to get your view count up than to spread the joy and hilarity of pet antics online. It'll be like a diary so you can recall those fun nights when you are old and miss the rambunctious days of cross-species yore.
