Boethius
Saint Anicius Manlius Torquatus Severinus Boethius (480–May 25, 524) is now virtually unknown (like his contemporaries), but once was the most famous homeless man of ancient Rome. His exact birthday is unknown, mostly due to an obsession with arranging fictional birthday parties on a whim. His contemporary St Benedict recalled that "he celebrated birthdays as other men did change their undergarments, several times a year in fact."
Boethius was a philosopher, and as such suffered from Restful Leg Syndrome. His ideas on work were published in “The Consolation on Philosophy.” As the patron saint of all philosophy majors Boethius now spends all his time in heaven arguing with Jesus. Many have likened his writing style to that of the Socratic method, and who is to disagree with that viewpoint? You?
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Born into an aristocratic family, the young Boethius attended the best schools, and studied under the best teachers the ancient world had to offer. As a result of his increasingly rare education and experience, Boethius entered the service of Theodoric the Gay, who commissioned the young Boethius to perform many roles.
His work soon brought him to the notice of Byzantine Emperor Justin I (Justin Tempus) who rewarded him with gifts of money and small boys.
When Boethius wasn’t nagging fellow philosophers to pass him the hypothetical ball he worked hard on debunking the epistemology of others. Boethius knew that if he was going to break up Socrates’ monopoly on stupid questions he would have to come up with something unique, and at least marginally ground breaking.
O Fortuna[edit | edit source]
His answer was, the Wheel of Fortune! No, not the game show, stupid. This wheel was imaginary, but at the same time it was very real. Like in another dimension, or on top of Mt. Olympus. The way it works is, that while I’m sleeping with your wife, you're getting a promotion. Or to put it another way, your wife makes me feel great in bed, and you got a lot of work done today on that pesky 401K mess that you’ve been trying for months to straighten out. I’m the real father of your second child, and you didn’t get killed in an automobile accident on the way to work.
A Disastrous Plan[edit | edit source]
Towards the end of his life Boethius began a number of affairs with notable ladies of the court. A relationship with a Lady Fortuna ended disasterously, whilst a later relationship with a Lady Philosophy is described as "a mild consolation, at best".
An unfortunate accident involving a spear point to the groin left with issues in maintaining erections. This condition became known as "Boethius' Complaint", and is now easily treatable for just $29.99, that right, just $29.99. Order now to get yours!
In 523, his old friend Theodoric ordered Boethius arrested on charges of treason, after allegations that Boethius had exposed himself to Theodoric's two wives and daughters. Boethius himself attributes his arrest to the slander of his rivals and/or a keg of beer that he had polished off the night before. Whatever the cause, Boethius found himself stripped of both his title and trousers and imprisoned in Pavia, awaiting an execution that took place the following year. His final words are said to have been "put my head where?"
Veneration[edit | edit source]
Due to a lack of suitable candidates Boethius was canonised by the Catholic Church in 874. His feast day is October 2nd, an arbitrary date chosen from 364 (365 during leap years) days. Links to Oktoberfest are purely coincidental.