Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
“This game is a bit lower in quality than most other video games.”
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing is a video game, set in an undisclosed fictitious location in which everything is possible and nothing is what it seems. Since the above two factors make a video game effectively worthless, this game has been slammed by pretty much every gamer or critic aware of its existence. It has been rumored that planet Earth has been disgraced in front of the intergalactic community because of this game's release, causing many alien races to scrap their plans of invading it. As a hostile alien on condition of anonymity puts it- "We don't want to waste our time trying to conquer a plant this fucking lame."
Story[edit | edit source]
The story of Big Rigs is very unique. It's like a contradiction in itself. While the game's packaging states that the objective is to successfully transfer some shady contraband on your "Big Rig" or "truck" while evading the forces of the Law, there are no cops visible in the actual game. In fact, even the truck you drive in the game is actually a lorry without a trailer, so where exactly is this illegal contraband also becomes a mystery. The only other vehicle present in the game is not a police vehicle, but a truck which never actually moves! Maybe it's being occupied by some undercover detectives, who want to make sure you're actually in the possession of something illegal. But then again, if that was the case, they would at least try to tail you once you began driving, right? Why are they just sitting in the same spot the entire time?
But then, the plot thickens. You're driving through a small and rather ugly town, and you're about to run into a building, when it goes right through you! In fact, pretty much everything capable of hitting your truck goes right through you! Adding to the weirdness is the fact that your truck can travel virtually anywhere without slowing down. You can scale the highest mountain while traveling at 500mph, and you'll be able maneuver the most treacherous and rough terrain in no time at all. And then, you suddenly reach the end of the world! I say "end of the world" because all of a sudden, the entire terrain disappears, and you find yourself floating through an endless gray void while the truck suddenly begins dancing!
This must be some sort of joke. Maybe the law enforcers had captured you right at the very beginning of the game, and had plugged your brain into some twisted virtual reality just to enjoy watching you lose your mind. So your job is to find a gateway out of this virtual reality, escape from the facility the law-enforcement has presumably locked you in, and then find your contraband and deliver it to wherever it has to be delivered!
You brace yourself for the challenge. You start by maneuvering your way across the terrain, looking for a way out. You then see a checkpoint. "Ah!" you exclaim to yourself, "This must be the way out of here, as checkpoints in a game always lead to the next level!" You cross the checkpoint in anticipation of the intense challenges that lie in wait, only to see a three-handed trophy and the message "YOU'RE WINNER !" flash up at the screen.
Oh, looks like you were just playing a ridiculously crappy game the whole time. Pity it cost you two dollars and 3 precious hours you'll never get back.
Vehicles[edit | edit source]
There are a plethora of selectable vehicles in the game, all equipped with special abilities and custom designs. For instance: all of the vehicles drive through bridges, and travel at infinite speeds when in reverse. There are five thrilling courses to choose from, one of which causes your computer to crash. The fact that simply choosing the wrong course can cost you your computer is an achievement in itself.
Opponents[edit | edit source]
The AI in Big Rigs is something to be beheld, but at the same time, it has been accused of being unfairly good.
When you start the game, the AI analyzes the best route to beat you. It usually uses the Ghost technique, wherein a false image stands on the start position while the real, invisible truck finds the way to success. This fools you into driving wherever the hell you want while the opponent thrashes your dumb ass. The best part is, you never even know that you're being played because once you reach the finish line, you'll be greeted with the "YOU'RE WINNER !" trophy no matter what, causing you to remain blissfully unaware of how badly you've been pwnt. What an intelligent AI!
Anger[edit | edit source]
In extremely rare occasions this game has been known to cause explosive bouts of "anger". The following is a recorded quote from a person playing Big Rigs:
"I'm so bored! There isn't even any music, it's just driving around at the same speed with nothing to ever slow you down, no obstacles, no opponents, no objective, just driving along until a screen pops up saying "YOU'RE WINNER!" WHY AM I PLAYING THIS?! I HATE MY LIFE!"
Afterword[edit | edit source]
Also, did I mention:
THE GAME WOULDN'T EVEN RUN ON MY COMPUTER, SO I HAD TO WALK TO A FRIEND'S HOUSE TO INSTALL AND PLAY IT! I ACTUALLY MADE PHYSICAL EFFORTS TO BE ABLE TO PLAY THIS SHITPILE!
THIS GAME IS HELL BUT SATAN WON'T TOUCH IT, THIS GAME IS A DISEASE BUT CANCER WON'T GO NEAR IT, THIS GAME IS THE HOLOCAUST BUT AT LEAST THE NAZIS WERE FEATURED IN SOME AWESOME VIDEO GAMES!!
Seriously, the only message this video game leaves you with is one self-help books have been telling you your whole life.
YOU'RE WINNER !