Arkan Sonney

“It is I, LeClerc!”

~ LeClerc on Arkan Sonneys

An Arkan Sonney (Manx for hedgehog - no connection with actual meaning) is a type of faery found in Isle of Man, Avalon or Brazil (while on vacation). It was believed that all Arkan Sonneys were the wives of Satan and should be burned without mercy. This was shouted on the streets by a crazy Christian monk. Unfortunately, there were Arkan Sonneys within earshot, so they killed him.

Description

A blonde female Arkan Sonney. Notice how she's hotter than you.

The Arkan Sonney looks like a 1-foot tall anthropomorphic pig with wings. They also have a blonde (sometimes red) wig that is glued to their skull since they are born. This wig is sometimes called hair.

Arkan Sonneys can fly at the speed of 300 miles per hour when hurrying to go to the bathroom. They are able to dig holes (a gift from their cousin Ramidreju) and breakdance. Arkan Sonneys don't like water, so they take a mud bath twice every week.

Behavior

The Arkan Sonney's primary instinct is to flee at the sight of a moving human, unless that human is giving out candy/Playpig magazines. However, if the human is younger than 5 years old, they will kidnap it and raise it as their own.

The Arkan Sonneys live in the woods, in small cities of 20 or lower. They don't have things like taxes, politicians, government or even money, so they are considered the most intelligent beings, worthy of Buddha Himself. However, they also celebrate 2 Talk Like A Pirate Days every year, and worship a piece of frozen bacon as a god, claiming it "died to save us". This piece of bacon is known to be from the body of Jebus's pet pig, Jesus.

The Arkan Sonneys celebrate the Yule, the Ostara, El Dia de Los Muertos, and April 25th. They are also known to burn a phoenix every year. This bird is their natural enemy. Of course the fire only pleases the phoenix, so the Arkan Sonney tribes who did it are now dead and eaten. So they don't do it anymore.

Reproduction

To those of you who didn't read the above content (I mean LACK OF CONTENT! WE DON'T HAVE CONTENT! WE'RE CONTENT-FREE!), Arkan Sonneys, for their disliking of water, take a mudbath twice a week for self-cleaning.

This guarantees homosexuality to the male Arkan Sonneys. This fact makes reproduction very difficult for the Arkan Sonneys, females having to get the males drunk (which is done with only one bottle of whiskey, since their size). The females that can't get males drunk must reproduce with other animal species, like normal pigs, hedgehogs, people and furries. For this reason, Arkan Sonneys are becoming extinct. And also because of something to do with global warming.

The Arkan Sonneys' genitalia are not devolved for this reason. However, since the invention of drunkenness, evolution (or God, if you will) had given these pig-fae the ability of making their genitalia grow only when preparing to reproduce (like erections!), common to those aliens, you know, from that joke...

Once upon a time there was a couple of Americans who were visited by two martians, who were also a couple. Both wanting to study the other's civilization's mode of mating, the human woman took the alien man and the human man went with the alien woman. In that same night, when doing love, the woman found out that by pulling the alien's ear, his dick would grow longer. So, during sex, she would always pull his ear. In the next morning, the woman met her husband and asked if he liked the experience. He swore and said: 'Damn, that f***ing bitch didn't stop pulling my freakin' ear!'

Merchandise

An Arkan Sonney is a wonderful pet, particularly because it brings good luck. They are the second most sold magical pets next to the leprechauns. Because, contrary to popular belief, when you capture an Arkan Sonney, you will always find a piece of silver in your pocket (big deal! with a leprechaun, you find a huge pot of gold every Tuesday).

This is problematic, because the pet shop workers refuse to sell the Arkan Sonneys to get silver for their own. This leads the Arkan Sonney to throw silver pieces at the seller's crotch so it can escape.

The ones that actually manage to buy an Arkan Sonney are disturbed by the pet's constant slobbering and snoring. Arkan Sonneys are also known for wanting to sing really loud Death Metal at night, so most Arkan Sonneys are usually freed to the wild (through the toilet).

Now, Seriously

Like their cousins, the gremlins, Arkan Sonneys are able to travel through the internet. Which you don't know is that there is an army of Arkan Sonneys in this article, ready to attack. For reading this sentences, they have infiltrated your mind (which, by the way, eliminates your chances of going to Heaven) and are attacking your body. Yes, wait...

Wait...

...almost there...

...Yes. You now have AIDS.

See also

• Goblins - prankster spirits, might reproduce with Arkan Sonneys.
• Hobgoblins - gay goblins. Do not reproduce with Arkan Sonneys.
• Spider Pig - looks a little bit like Arkan Sonneys.
• Phoenix - eats Arkan Sonneys.
• AAAAAAAAA! - the philosophy of the Arkan Sonneys.
• Groundskeeper Willie - also eats Arkan Sonneys.
• Flying Spaghetti Monster - creator of Arkan Sonneys.
• Flying Pigs - look like Arkan Sonneys.
• Oscar Wilde - has nothing to do with Arkan Sonneys.
• Davy Jones - also has nothing to do with Arkan Sonneys.