Andy Richter

Andy aged 4, his looks already fading.

Paul Andrew "Andy" Richter (born October 28, 1966), is, according to his agent, an American comedian and actor. He is best known for his sidekick role on Late Night with Conan O'Brien between 1993 and 2000. Richter has returned to O'Brien's side as the announcer on The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, which began airing on June 1, 2009. In his earlier years, Andy insisted that his role was not as a sidekick, but he was simply not allowed as much time onscreen as Conan due to the risk of the audience dying from laughter.

Early Life

Richter, the third of two children, was born in Grand Rapids, Michigan. He was a famously handsome baby, being named Time Magazine's Baby of the Year for 1966. Gradually, he lost his looks after he hit the bottle at age 3. Andy struggled through school, earning D's in most subjects, except Sidekick Training, where he got straight A's. Andy resented this, but later took his high grades to mean he was a leading man and therefore obviously could ace his Sidekick Training. Out of pity, he was elected "Prom King" in high school, and was voted as having the "Second Best Sense of Humour" out of his class of depressed Nazis. In the late 1980s Richter attended Columbia College Chicago, as a film seargant major. While at Columbia, he learned the basics of comedy, such as loose limbs, loose bowels and even looser morals, by starring in numerous student films and videos. One of these gained notoriety. Named "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", it was a bold attempt to use the teachings of Nietzsche to form a race of "racially pure" citizens who would worship Andy as a god. By this stage, Andy had lost most of his looks, and so the furore quickly died down, receiving only a passing mention in the Washington Times.

A picture, showing the damage alcoholism and syphilis had on Andy's looks. On the left is Andy aged 5. On the right is Andy aged 35. Andy has since reverted to his more attractive self since becoming a clean liver.

Career

After leaving Columbia in 1988, Richter worked as a production assistant on commercial shoots, in Chicago. In 1989, he began taking classes at Chicago's Improv Olympic. His quick wit and acting skills catapulted him from student to, "House Performer," within a year, where he perfected his pole dancing skills which would later serve him well. Richter branched out, working with "The Comedy Underground" and the Annoyance Theater.

Some of Andy's "friends" worked on Saturday Night Live, and so Andy was able to get into the after-show parties where he met SNL head writer Rob Smigel. Two years later, Smigel hired Richter for a new show he was producing, Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Originally hired as a writer, Richter was cast as Conan O'Brien's sidekick just weeks before the show aired in 1993. He still insisted on insisting he wasn't a sidekick.

Richter departed from Late Night in 2000. He later said of the decision, "After seven years of being on the show, I got itchy, probably from those bouts of syphilis I got from my night job. I have a philosophy that if you enjoy good fortune, rather than sit there and say, "Oh, I'm so itchy," you should try and push it. Or pull it. You should see how much you can stretch your good fortune. And everything else. And I was curious. As usual." Andy reached out to higher ground, never grasping the fact that he was completely talentless and doomed to be a red-haired man's sidekick. He "starred" in many new TV series created especially for him. None got past the second episode. All had very poor ratings, their audience being composed entirely of Texans with broken arms who couldn't change the channel.

Andy had been a male "escort" since very early in life, 35 years of age. He found it quite a good supplement to his paltry income from television. His allergy to rubber forced him to go without protection, giving new meaning to his catchphrase "I'm itchy, baby!".

Guest Appearances

Due to his stubbornness, Andy refused to admit he was a failure. He clocked up many guest appearances on a wide variety of shows in an effort to pay for the treatment of his venereal diseases. The shows he appeared on include "I'm not Even a Celebrity, I'm Just a Sidekick But Won't Admit it, So Leave me In Here", "The Simpsons", "The Flintstones", "The Jetsons", "The X-Files", "The Sexy Files", "Scary Movie 2", "Hairy Movie 2", "Pootie Tang", "Bootie Hang", "Semi Pro", "Semi Amateur", "Dr. T and the Women" and "Mr. T and the Men". He includes a clause in each of his contracts that he must be allowed to star in, direct and produce the porn versions of each film he stars in. For this reason, Tim Burton refused to cast him in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

Return to Conan's Warm Bosom

Andy finally admitted defeat when he appeared alongside his old pal Conan O'Brien on Conan's last episode of "Late Night". In what was termed a "totally moving" episode by The New York Times, Andy broke down in tears, admitting defeat and his realisation of his uselessness outside of being a sidekick to Conan. When Conan told Andy he'd have a place on Conan's new Tonight Show, Andy was so happy he tried to perform fellatio on Conan. Conan, curious yet defensive, smashed his Eisenhower mug over Andy's head, putting him into a coma. The two made up and out afterwards and are once again the best of friends.

Andy now serves as Conan's sidekick on the Tonight Show, happy and fulfilled for the first time in his life. His looks are even starting to return, creating quite a stir in the scientific community and elsewhere. Andy says "I am like a warm puppy. I wanted to leave my bitch of a mother, by which I mean Conan, and strike out for myself in the wild. But I love my mother. I love you Conan!" Disease free for the first time in ten years, Andy has also insisted his prostitution days are behind him, except for Saturdays. A guy's got to have fun, right? We wish you luck, Andy. Godspeed, you lovable rogue.

See also

• Conan O'Brien
• Gay, I mean Jay Leno