Amy Acker
“We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's most adorable caucasian female. Amy Acker will be that female. Cuter than any before. Cuter, more adorable, more innocently sexual.”
“I will call her, Mini-Me.”
Amy Louise Acker (born December 5, 1976 in Dallas, Texas) is an American actress. She was created in a laboratory by the U.S. government to be the most adorable caucasian female ever to walk the Earth. Though the original project was to create the most adorable female of any race, it was finally admitted by the project designers that no caucasian can be cuter than the cutest Asian, not even a caucasian genetically engineered for that purpose.
A recent report from the World Health Organisation has estimated there are at least 359,003 men worldwide who are still single because they had hoped to find someone like Amy Acker. The WHO report also notes that Acker is the only woman in her 30's known to be getting cuter with each year.
Career[edit | edit source]
Though her early career as a genetically engineered cutie took the form of a fulfilling life being dressed up in schoolgirl attire and sucking lollipops, she eventually escaped from the lab and eked out a passable existence ushering passengers through Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and was paid in Taco Bell food.
While living on her own, she adopted a Jack Russell terrier named Wishbone who knew a guy who knew a guy and got them both parts on a television show for slow children. Though Acker got second billing to a dog, she later got revenge when she became more famous and stopped returning his phone calls.
After a number of small parts including an unfortunate turn in a movie written and directed by William "The Shat" Shatner, she was cast in the role of Winnifred Burkle on Angel. Playing a cutie, she found the role was perfectly engineered for a woman engineered to be cute.
The 2005 season of Alias marked her latest appearance as a television series regular. She played a villain in what was largely considered the most adorable portrayal of a baddie since Shirley Temple played the title role in Nosferatu.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Acker is married with two children which qualifies her as a MILF. Her son was born with no fewer than two surnames in 2005, and her daughter was born in September of 2006, and just so we're clear, I call dibs just in case. As unlikely as it is that the marriage is a sham and she is having a torrid affair with sometimes castmate Alyson Hannigan, some still hold out hope.
Notable Appearances[edit | edit source]
- My Dream Last Night (last night) ... Herself
- Alias (2005–2006) ... Kelly Peyton
- My Dream The Night Before (the night before) ... Herself
- Some Movie by Shatner I Still Don't Care to Look Up (sometime) ... someone
- My Day Dream Last Wednesday (last Wednesday) ... Herself
- Justice Friends: The New Class (2005–2006) (voiceover) ... Huntress
- My Dream Two Nights Ago (two nights ago) ... Herself
- Angel (2001–2004) ... Winnifred Burkle / Illyria
- My Dream on September 4 (2006) ... Herself
- Wishbone (1995–1997) ... various
- My Dream Last Week (last week) ... Herself / Her Naughty Twin
- How to make mustard gas: a definitive guide (1984) ... Herself