A story built one article at a time/The nuclear threat

zzzzzzz𝕋here once was nothing. In the penis of the glob...

Wonk wonk wonk wonk wonk won-*click*

*Yawn*

"Good morning, John. It's me, Jimbo, your personal robot assistant. You are in Ketchikan, Alaska at 07:00 in the morning. It's Sunday March 10th, 2052. The outside temperature is a brisk minus four Celsius. In here, it is positive twenty-one degrees. News items you missed during your sleep include Toyota announcing a new solar-powered hovercar and the official FBY report on Elon Musk's assassination."

"Jimbo, snooze my alarm for another hour. It's Sunday." *Yawn*

Wonk wonk wonk wonk won-*click*

*Yawn*

"Good morning, John. It's me, Jimb--"

"Shut it. Who's that?"

"Where, out your window? It's just a Mormon climbing the hill to church! Why, John?"

"I recognise him. He's from Ojai."

"Why is that significant, John?"

"I've got to get out of here! Where's my suitcase?"

"In your closet, John."

"Thanks. Come help pack clothes. You know what, grab a gun and some cash too while you're add it. I'll get the ammo."

"You know I cannot interact with a firearm, John. I'll grab you some ammunition, though!"

"You do that. And while you're in the garage, get my old Tesla's seat heater on. There's a nuke to run from."

"I'm on it, John!" *whirrrrr*

"Oh, and come back with my moccasins! I have a feeling we might need them!"

*whirr* "Here you go, John!"

"Thank you. Now that I've got everything packed, let's head down for Ojai."

*Slam!* *Vrrrrrrroom!*

"Shall I turn the radio on like usual, John?

"Yessiree!"

*Click* kssssht- This just in: You Ketchikaners are in for a treat. Moccasinia just declared war on Alaska, because an expat from their ally Ojai refuses to return! This is predicted to be the end of Alaskan life as we know it, since Moccasinia is such a nuclear power. *Click*

"I knew it!"

"You knew what, John?"

"I knew that the Moccasinians and their allies in Ojai wouldn't let me leave without a fight. Just because it's been almost 27 years since I made it to Ketchikan doesn't mean they haven't forgotten about me. I knew this day would come at some point!"

"What are you going to do, John?"

"Turn myself in! I don't want all these civilians to be torched. I'd rather stay in Ojai forever and keep the Moral High Ground®."

"I can only offer some goatse to comfort you, John."

"Ew, no! How about some nice lesbians?"

"I'm not asking, John. I won't let you keep driving until you look!"

"Okay fine!" *Retch* "Now let me *barf* drive!"

"Welcome to Seattle, John. Did you enjoy your ferry ride?"

"No, because you kept trying to show me more goatse."

"Shall I turn the radio back on, John?"

"Sure."

Kssht- The Moccasinians have sent an ultimatum. If John isn't back in Ojai by the end of the day, they are nuking Ketchikan and probably Juneau too. *Click*

"This is bad. What time is it, Jimbo?"

"In Moccasinia, it is 1:45 pm, John. That was one fast ferry."

"Can you charter me a private jet to Ojai?"

"Yes. Do you want to sell your Tesla to pay for it, John?"

"Sure!"

"Welcome to the Seattle Boeing Field International Airport. Private jets are on the left. Car sales are handled automatically."

"Hi, I'm John. I have a jet charter to Ojai today."

"Oh. Yer the guy on the news! Ah'm happee to say that yer travellin' fer free!."

"Cool. Can you direct me to the jet?"

"Shure thing, pal! Here it is, the bombardier three-fowrty seven! Have a good trip!"

*Fwoosh!*

"Care for a beverage, sir? OHMYGOD THE PILOTS AN OLULA OHMYGOD HIPPITY HOPPITY SCHMIPPITY SCHMOPPITY OLULA!"

*Bam!* *Bang*

"Cucumbers please, Jimbo?"

"Sure thing, John! Here are some image results!"

"Oh god, thank you, thank you for saving us!"

"Pull! Up!"

"OHMYGOD"

"Welcome to Ojai, sir! Again, sorry for the episode back there. The Moccasinians should call off their threat now."

"Oh good!"

"Welcome back, John. You have outstanding tax records on file."

"NOOOOOOO!"