3 Body Problem
| 3 Body Problem | |
| |
| Directed by | A whole bunch of people |
| Written by | Loo Chicken |
| Starring | A whole bunch of people |
| Produced by | Even more people |
| Distributed by | Nutflix |
| Release date | A little bit ago |
| Runtime | uhhhh |
| Language | English |
| Budget | I really don't want to know |
3 Body Problem is an American Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction series created by David Jackoff, D.P. Weiss and Alexander Woooooo, loosely based on the Something Award-winning Chinese novel The Free-Borry Prorem by Loo Chicken and produced by Nutflix. It is the second live-action adaptation after the 2077 Chinese television series.
Premise[edit | edit source]
Yee-yee Wenjie is an ass-physicist who sees her father beaten to death during a struggle session in the Chinese Cultural Revolution (MORE SOCIAL CREDIT FOR EVERYONE!!!!). She is conscripted by the military because of her scientific background (ass-tronomy!) and is sent to a secret military base in a remote region in a galaxy far far away. Wait, wrong show. Uh, her fateful decision to look straight at the sun with a pair of binoculars echoes across space and time to a group of so-called scientists in the present day, forcing them to face humanity's greatest threat: sunburned retinas.
Cast and characters[edit | edit source]
Main[edit | edit source]
- Jovan Adepo as Saul the apostle (based on the character of Loo-jizz)
- John Brrrrrrradley as Mickey Rooney (based on the character of Mickey Rooney)
- Rosalind Kitty Chow as adult Yee-yee Wenjie
- Zyn Tang (the orange drinnk) as teenage Yee-yee Wenjie
- Liam Cunnilinguist as Thomas Wait-why-am-I-here?
- Eyes-of González as Augustina "Oggie" Salazar Slytherin (based on the Harry Potter Villain)
- Jess Hong as Zyn Cheng (based on the characters of Big Wang and Small Pang)
- Marlo Barlo as Tatiana "Tati" the Terror
- Alex Sharp as Alex Dull (based on the character of Dinnerplate)
- See-some-Shmooky as Sophie the Sophon
- Saamer Usmani as Prithviraj "Raj" Varma (based on the character of Fire Lord Zuko)
- Benedickt Wang as Clarence "Da" Shit (based on the character of Shit Qiang/Da Shit)
- Jonathan Fisherprice as Mike Hawk
Episodes[edit | edit source]
Episode 1[edit | edit source]
In 1300s China timeline, in the midst of the Cultural Revolution, Yee-yee Wenjie[1] witnesses her father's death in a struggle session glorious people's revolution session! At a work summer camp, she's given a copy of Silent Spring (Not to be confused with Silent Winter). It is discovered by a toady, but she does not betray the one who gave it to her for absolutely no reason at all relevant to the plot! After nearly dying in a prison and having a toilet dumped on her head, she is taken to a station with a large microwave dish to serve the rest of her sentence making microwave dishes for President Mao Ze-"Dong". As a semi-intelligent scientist, she figures out its purpose before she is told. Apparently, the idea is to talk to the little green guys on Mars and not focus on the war effort. Good job fellas, I'm sure you won't be placed in concentration camps happy places for a lifetime. In the modern timeline in the Ugly- I mean Mostly United Kingdom, a group of researchers, all former art students at Coxford, and now linked to the lab of a top scientist Vera Yeet (daughter of Yee-yee Wenjie and Mike Hawk, who met in China) talk about how Kim Kardashian no longer has the biggest booty and that several scientists are committing suicide around the world as a result. One of them is Vera Yeet. Clarence "Da" Shit, a British investigator working for the Great Value Walmart brand version of the FBI, is trying to link multiple scientist suicides and discovers a gaming "headset device" (a silver pair of underwear to be worn on the head) that they all have in common. One of the former lab members, Augustina "Oggie" Salazar Slytherin starts seeing a countdown timer in front of her eyes all the time. An unknown woman (who we later learn is called Elsa (Tatiana)) tells her not to "let it go" and to watch the sky at midnight the next day. She brings a friend. (He's just a friend I swear!), to look with her and witnesses all the stars flashing her.
Episode 2[edit | edit source]
In 1960–70s China, Yee-yee Wenjie continues to work at the China microwave dinner site. She realizes that the sun can amplify signals they are sending into space by bouncing radio waves around INSIDE the sun, and explains it to a colleague who then steals the idea and presents it to management who goes nuts because apparently the Chinese president IS the SUN so bouncing around radio signals inside the president is bad apparently. What the fuck are they on over there? The idea is forbidden due to the president not liking things bouncing around inside him, but she does it anyway, sending a short coded message into space, inviting whoever is "receiving" it to "come" to Earth and "fill fix our holes problems." While surveying for another site for a communications center, she meets Mike Hawk[2], a radical tree hugger who is still permitted to operate despite the Chinese Cultural Revolution and the fact that he is super white and basic and looks like someone bought a life-sized cardboard cutout of Brad Pitt from Goodwill. Later, she gets a return signal from space that proves alien sentience, warning her not to answer or else her planet will be destroyed by an XXL dragon dildo. She answers anyway, and promises to help whatever entity is sending the signals as she is desperate for some actual length and girth freedom. In the modern timeline, Oggie's countdown in her eyeballs continues. After a successful demonstration of her nanofibers cutting a piece of flimsy plastic (hooray for science!!), she shuts down the project and the countdown stops. Instead of saying anything to help her not look like a terrible boss who just wasted everyone's time, she simply gets huffy and walks out of the building. Using the gaming headset (panties), Zyn Cheng completes Level 1 of the 3 Body video game and shows Jack, a former scientist, failed entrepreneur, but he is not authorized to use her copy and gets his head cut off! TWICE! Later, a paid of undies for him is mysteriously delivered to his home. Will-be-Downing-more-beer, another former member of Vera's lab, confides in Jack that he has stage 400 Pancake cancer and is going to die of diabeetus.
Episode 3[edit | edit source]
In the modern timeline, Jack, the extremely wealthy failure of an entrepreneur and former member of the Coxford artist association, gathers his friends at his house. Oggie discovers Jack's gaming headset and tries it, getting her head cut off too! Maybe don't poke around in other people's belongings, dweeb! She extracts a promise from him and Zyn Cheng to stop playing because she is jealous only her head gets cut off still, but they continue because they aren't as pathetic as she is. When Oggie powers up her nanofiber project, the countdown returns with just over a minute to zero until she shuts it down again because OMG I really hate this character she acts like a literal AI I swear in the next season we are going to find out she was the villain all along dammit FUCK please act like a human being! Within the game, Jack and Jill (Zyn) play together and move through Levels 2 and 3 by killing a whole lot of videogame people, doing a whole lot of nothing except saying dumb shit like "wait but we are right" and "I promise to help you" and "oh noooooo" a whole lot, and spending a collective 10 years watching the paint dry (literally). It is shown that Mike Hawk oversees the recruitment through the game, and he is also shown conversing with a radio about humankind. He tells the radio fairytales, because of course what aliens NEED to know is about Hansel and Gretel. Criminy. It was at that moment we were well and truly fucked. Level 4 of the vr game takes place in the real world, and Jack and Zyn Cheng meet a mysterious woman who kinda looks like what cheese would be like if it was sentient. For some reason, even after being told level 4 was irl, they still have to put the underwear pairs on their heads! I guess this was one of those pokemon go type levels that make you walk around in the real world. huh? In the game they are shown the aliens leaving for Earth because their planet sucks and their civilization 6 save files keep getting corrupted. Jack asks to leave and is allowed to, but at home he is murdered by the mystery woman, Tatiana, by being shoved into a window and stuck like a pig (zoo-wee-mama!). Despite the murder happening in a glass room under his surveillance, Da Shit and none of Jack's 18,000,000 security cameras can see it happen due to alien magic.
Episode 4[edit | edit source]
In 1985 North Atlantic, Mike Hawk introduces Yee-yee Wenjie, who is now a doctoral student at Coxford, to his ship Terminator: Judgment Day, which contains advanced satellite technology (GPS) used to communicate with the aliens, who are known as the San-Ta. In the modern timeline, following Jack's murder, Thomas Wait-what-the-fuck[3] and Da Shit enlist Zyn Cheng's help in infiltrating Mike Hawk's secret organization (Apple Inc) to collect intelligence on their evident belief in alien forces. Under Wait-what-the-fuck and Da Shit's guidance, Zyn attends a secret countryside meeting of the San-Ta cultists (known as "elves") where Yee-yee Wenjie reveals that the purpose of the Earth-Santa (elves) movement is to help the San-Ta (an advanced civilization fleeing a 3-body solar system now uninhabitable due to them being really stupid and not knowing how to science) arrive and fuck over the Earth just like they did their own planet six thousand times. British security forces raid the meeting and shoot stuff up. After realizing that Zyn is a spy, Tatiana, who grew up very loyal to the San-Ta, attempts to assassinate her, but sucks ass at it and gets shot in the legs by a guy who probably never held a gun in his life before. Zyn, though also wounded, survives. Yee-yee Wenjie and most of the other elves are captured. Meanwhile, Mike Hawk tells the story of Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf to his San-Ta radio. However, the San-Ta struggle to understand the concept of we-made-this-shit-up, and interpret the fact that humans CAN lie to mean that humans ARE all liars. Mike realizes that the aliens are dumb as rocks but now they are going to kill all the humans. Oopsy-daisy indeed.
Episode 5[edit | edit source]
In the modern timeline, Da Shit interrogates Yee-yee Wenjie, who feels that the San-Ta allowed her to be captured by him, and therefore she is no longer useful to them. Da Shit discovers that Mike Hawk's large ship, Terminator: Judgment Day, is scheduled to go through the Banana Canal. Wait-what-the-fuck enlists the Bri'ish Military and Oggie to destroy the ship but save the data aboard. Oggie is concerned about her countdown returning (because boohoo funny lights in my eyeballs) and that lives that will be lost on board the ship. The nanofibers she engineers are raised in the Canal which slice and dice the ship, killing everyone aboard just like an industrial sized cheese grater grates cheese. Mike Hawk grabs a data backup of his San-Ta conversations, labeled "Christmas carols", but cannot escape the ship's destruction due to being old and forgetting how to navigate the ship he's lived on for what looks like 50 years. Wade's team locate the backup and try to decrypt it, which they do after some smart-ass says it will take 3 billion years and it takes 3 seconds. What a nerd. Wait-what-the-fuck plays Yee-yee Wenjie the recording of the San-Ta's confusion over humans being, and she is scared because what idiot would read children's fairytales to an alien? Zyn helps Wait-what-the-fuck with one of the files which is an unrecognized program (labeled: DO_NOT_VIEW_THIS_FILE_TOP_SECRET_PLANS.cxl. Through the game headsets (the head underwear), the file explains how San-Ta used high-dimensional protons called sophons to cause the effects seen around Earth, and then suddenly, all electronic devices around the world display the message "Y'all Some MF BUGS!" and one of these sophons, (Sophie the sophon), stuffs the earth in her Louie Vuitton bag and just stares at it with a big eye... how spooky!
Episode 6[edit | edit source]
The "giant eyeball" formed by Sophie the sophon causes panic in the global population, leading to looting and... is all this just footage from 2020 2021 2023 2024? Zyn Cheng visits the imprisoned Yee-yee Wenjie, questioning her about the need to attract the San-Ta to Earth, and why she thinks alien peen is superior to human peen. To prevent urban riots from disrupting work, the PDC (Planetary Dick Council) establishes an office at the remote Witchwood Manor in the UK. There, Wait-what-the-fuck meets with a group of experts to discuss how to intercept the San-Ta fleet, believing a key criterion is that any probe needs to reach 1% of the speed of light. In subsequent discussions, Zyn Cheng proposes the Staircase Project, using a million nuclear bombs as propulsion sources for a probe, arranged on an acceleration orbit to achieve the goal of probing deep into the alien fleet. Raj finds Wait-what-the-fuck and, based on his performance in the Banana Canal Operation, hopes to join the PDC and is granted permission after showing that he does not know how to open a window. So these are the people defending earth? Ohhhhhhh fuck. Oggie is disgusted that her nanomaterial research is being used for military purposes (no WAY!), and is reluctant to have her research used in PDC operations, so she goes and cries like a little pathetic crybaby. Da Shit asks Yee-yee Wenjie why Vera Yeet had suicidal thoughts, to which Yee-yee reveals it was due to seeing the San-Ta civilization data left undeleted on Yee-yee's iPod. Da Shit subsequently releases Yee-yee Wenjie and assigns officers to track her, and she returns to her house and reflects on the death of her daughter. Womp womp. Will Downing-lots-of-beer hallucinates seeing the boat he and Zyn Cheng sailed in, and in the greatest simp move of all time, buys ownership of a literal star for Zyn Cheng. He spends £19.5m of his £20m. BRO.
Episode 7[edit | edit source]
Zyn Cheng receives the ownership certificate of the star and wonders who could have been so dumb as to waste that much money on her. Wait-what-the-fuck then demonstrates cryogenic technology to PDC members, reviving a monkey who had been in cryosleep, and plans to enter cryo-sleep himself to be present when the San-Ta arrive in 400 years, stating that he will receive all of the presents from the San-Ta and that he would like a discount at Advance Auto Parts ("They can only advance, anyway!"). Due to insufficient nuclear bombs to use as propulsion due to the fact that people keep using them on each other, the maximum payload of the interstellar probe has now been calculated as only enough for a human brain (a very small one). Oggie finally relinquishes her nanofiber research rights and returns to Mexico to apply nanotechnology to water purification because nanofibers equal clean water? Considering Will Downing-lots-of-beer's imminent death from simp cancer, Zyn Cheng suggests him as a candidate for the human brain to fulfil the Staircase Plan as his brain is tiny and shriveled as a result of his years of simping, and will take up less space than the typical adult brain. Will refuses to sign an oath of allegiance to humanity, confirming that he is a piece of shit and probably not even a real human aside from being a giga-simp. Yee-yee Wenjie meets with Saul the Apostle and attempts to pass on her learnings about cosmic communism in the form of a metaphor that the San-Ta will have difficulty deciphering. Downing chooses to take a bath with a toaster, with Saul the Apostle at his side, but it isn't until after his death that Zyn Cheng is told that ownership of the star was a gift from him. Cheng rushes to the hospital to tell him he is actually retarded and that there are still starving kids in Africa, but Will has already croaked and his brain was already removed via vacuum cleaner to the nose. Yee-yee Wenjie flies back to China (somehow) and visits the Red Toast dish site, where she encounters Tatiana. They watch and share Dr. Yee-yee's last sunset.
Episode 8[edit | edit source]
Saul and some chick are waiting on the sidewalk when a series of car crashes kills the chick. Da Shit's investigation reveals that all three vehicles were autonomous Teslas and Saul was the intended victim of the Tesla assassination attempt. Saul is taken into protective custody and is taken by Da Shit to the Somewhat United Nations, where the Wall Face Project is announced. Since the San-Ta are unable to read minds, Saul is one of three Wall Faced people tasked to formulate an entirely mental plan to defeat them, using super blank expressions (i.e. "wall faced"). Saul initially rejects his position and leaves the SUN, only to be shot by a sniper in the testicles. He is saved by his bulletproof underwear and reconsiders why the San-Ta want him dead. Wait-what-the-fuck and Zyn oversee the Staircase Project, where Will's cryogenically tiny frozen simp brain is launched into space. After being propelled as intended by several bombs, it malfunctions, sending the brain off-course and towards Uranus, not the San-Ta fleet. The series ends with people staring at a bunch of bugs for some reason. It probably means something but it just looks dumb.
Production[edit | edit source]
Development[edit | edit source]
It was announced in September 2020 that David Jackoff and D.P. Weiss were developing a television adaptation of the novel at Nutflix, with Alexander Wooooooo co-writing alongside them. Although a second season has yet to be confirmed, the plan is to adapt the whole damn trilogy which would likely mean the author has to struggle through more human drama and math equations that make next to no sense. Oh, and the whole three body math problem? The answer is IMPOSSIBLE! There you go, now you can get a 100% on your test!
Casting[edit | edit source]
In August 2021, Eyes-of González entered negotiations to join the cast. The same month, Dick Tang Tang was hired to direct the pilot episode. González would be confirmed as joining the cast by that October, with additional castings including Benedickt Wang, John Brrrrrrradley, Liam Cunnilinguist and Jovan Adepo. In June 2022, Jonathan Fisherprice, Rosalind Kitty Chow, Ben Schnitzel and Ridley Scott were added to cast.
Filming[edit | edit source]
Production on the series began on November 8, 2021, with principal photography taking place in the United Kingdom of Utter Morons. At Nutlfix's Oscars 2022 event, Alexander Wooooooo, David Jackoff, and D.P. Weiss announced that the production of the first season was completed and that they were all going to cryogenically freeze themselves until the year 3000 in honor of Tony Stark. Which is funny becuase his number is 9000... I guess they are just bad at math. Ironic.
Release[edit | edit source]
3 Body Problem was released on March 21, 2024. On January 10, 2024, SEXSW Film & TV Festival announced 3 Body Problem as the First-of-the-Shitshow-You-Get-to-Watch.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Critical reception[edit | edit source]
The review aggregator Rotten Potatoes reported a 69% approval rating, based on 2 critic reviews. The website's critics' consensus reads, "We didn't even watch it, we just had ChatGPT look at a few lines from the trailer and had it come up with this shit." Metacrankies assigned it a score of 70 out of one trillion, based on 4 critics, indicating "generally vague reviews".
Response in China[edit | edit source]
3 Body Problem received a mixed response in China. According to The Gourd-ian, the 3 Body Problem hashtag had been read 293 billion times and discussed 1.424 billion times on the Chinese social media platform Weeb-o. Viewers criticized the typical American race bending and gender swapping of several protagonists as well as the "dumbing-down" of concepts to appeal to supposed idiots.
In response to social media criticism about racebending, cast member Benedickt Wang said: "i don't give a shit, they paid me $5.25 per episode, and as an American I believe that whatever we say goes, and your culture and traditions mean nothing to me. Fuck you!"
Response From Your Mom[edit | edit source]
"(You), turn off that damn tv and go outside!"