Bill Clinton
Clinton | |
|---|---|
 | |
| 42nd President of the United States | |
| In office January 20, 1993 – January 20, 2001 | |
| Vice President | Gore |
| Preceded by | Bush's daddy |
| Succeeded by | Bush |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Political party | Yes (t'is) |
| Spouse | Yes (plural: spice) |
| Children | Supposably (sh'is) |
| Alma mater | Alleged |
“Indeed, I did have relations with Ms. Lewinsky that were not appropriate. In fact, they were wrong. They felt good, but they were still wrong. Happy now?”
William Jefferson "Monica Missiles" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is a politician, saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. He was the 42th President of the United States – the horniest man to hold that position since JFK – from 1993 to 2001, leading America through the economic golden age of the '90s. He is also known for being a saxophone player in the jazz quartet Slick Willie Groovez.
Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.
Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair which culminated in a media frenzy.
Early life and education
Upon his arrival into this world, Clinton came out smoking a cigar, slapped the nurse's bum, and began stuttering.
Despite an obvious facial impairment, Bill did well in school, and was voted by his schoolmates "Boy Most Likely to Become 42nd President of the United States". He completed his compulsory education with only a mild case of herpes and a B+ in geometry. He cites his hobbies growing up as playing the saxophone and reading comic books.
Upon graduation, he earned a Rhodes Scholarship to University College, Oxford where he studied cosmetology and government. He developed an interest in rugby union, playing at Oxford and later for the Little Rock Rugby club in Arkansas. While at Oxford he also participated in Vietnam War protests. In later life he admitted to attending Woodstock and smoking cannabis at, but claimed that he "never inhaled". Some have argued that inhaling is probably the most fundamental part of smoking cannabis.
After blowing his scholarship at Oxford, Clinton attended Yale Law School and obtained a Juris Doctor (J.D.) degree in 1973. While at Yale, he began dating law student who was a year ahead of him. Their lovechild, Chelsea, was born in 1980.
Governor of Arkansas
In 1974 Clinton ran for the House of Misrepresentatives. The incumbent, John Paul Hammerschmidt, defeated him with 52% of the vote. In 1976 Clinton was elected Attorney General of Arkansas and Sexiest Man in Cleveland County without opposition. In 1978 Bill Clinton was elected Governor of Arkansas at the ripe old age of 32. He was the youngest and handsomest governor in the world. He worked on educational reform and the infrastructure of Arkansas's roads, but his first term also was fraught with difficulties, including an unpopular motor vehicle tax, a scandal in which he was accused of bumping uglies with an intern, and citizens' anger over the escape of Cuban refugees detained in Fort Chaffee in 1980. He lost re-election against some chick.
Presidency
Bill Clinton was elected in 1992 with a whopping majority of 42.9%. Okay, so he didn't get a majority thanks to Ross Perot stealing his votes, but he got more than George H. W. Bush got and that's what counts. He promised to free Tibet, or something like that. Most notably though, President Clinton was the first President of the United States to have some influence on creating the internet – his vice-president surely could not have created the internet all on his own. And don't call him Shirley.
Redefining the word is
One of Clinton's most groundbreaking reforms to America was the redefining of one of the most commonly used words: Is, which had always meant "is", now means "is not". This change in definition is largely believed to have saved his ass him from being removed from office during his impeachment. It also showed he had balls the size of Texas and an understanding of the English language the size of Rhode Island's smallest lake.
American Heritage, Websters and other dictionaries have since changed the definition of the word is.
Is. Verb; from the Latin phrase meaning is not. English definition: is not.
Government funding helped them in this editorial project, which for a short time turned the world on its collective head. "No" meant "Yes". "Yes" meant "No." And getting to first base caused the impregnation of many "virgins", which during the controversy meant "slut bag whore". Madonna, due to the redefinition regained her virginity and spoke out on Clinton's behalf.
Lewinski scandal
Clinton faced a crisis in 1998. He was accused of having a sexual relationship with a White House intern, and faced 13 sexual harassment suits and 72 paternity suits. Republican Ken Starr tried to frame Bill Clinton at an impeachment trial, but Clinton, being the smarter man, asked Ken Starr to define what "is" is, and claimed that he did not "have sexual relations with that woman".
Starr presented evidence: a blue dress covered with semen stains and a DNA match to Bill Clinton, as well as a recorded conversation that the intern had with Clinton over the phone. With the ease of a nervous adolescent boy, Clinton calmly stated that a blowjob was not the same as sexual intercourse, so there was no reason for everyone to get all upset about it. Starr tipulated that the intern didn't know she was being recorded, and thus under federal law the tape is inadmissible. The Supreme Court agreed, impeached Starr, and acquitted the President.
The vast majority of American men were outraged that the trial took so long, since it was obvious Hillary was never going to just shut up and give him a good mouth-hug. Bill now tells Hillary what to say when she is giving a speech. He hides in the podium, even though many leading physicists say "... [that's] anatomically impossible. You simply cannot cram [that] into such a small space."
North Korea
Clinton has done a lot of amazing work helping so many of the civilians detained in North Korea. In 2009 Clinton personally flew to Pyongyang to secure the release of Euna Lee and Laura Ling, two asian chicks in their twenties.
In 2012 Clinton was asked if he would similarly help get Kenneth Bae released from North Korea, to which he replied, "Kenneth who? Why would I want a blowjob from someone named Kenneth?"
Legacy
President Clinton left a rich legacy of both philanthropy and stains in the Oral Oval Office. However, it can be said with the greatest certainty that he did not take advantage of UK – he left the Queen alone.
Clinton's political appeal has long been admired by the Democratic Party. As John Edwards so heterosexually put it, "Bill Clinton has always been a sweet talker when it comes to politics, but it is his eyes that seem to cut through the human body itself."
Even if he married a robot, even if he did not "have sexual relations with that woman", even if he goes for the occasional intern blowjob, and even if he signed NAFTA Bill Clinton is still the coolest president ever. We should all just learn to forgive Bill Clinton, punch Al Gore, and steal the Nobel and give it to Bill so he can use it as a sexual device. No one can contest that Bill Clinton is the most pimpin' president ever. And just because he and Monica hooked up doesn't mean he liked her. It only proves he needed glasses.
One thing can be said without doubt: the Clinton Administration was surrounded by Bush (and, quite possibly, his pubic hair). In truth, Clinton is between the two Bush's only because he served to better the country after Ronald Reagan, the senile old man and inventor of fiction. And by better the country, we mean to say that sex is possible and should be done in the workplace. Other firsts by Clinton include being the first president with a widely-known nickname, "Boo-Boo", which was given to him by Monica while she was lolling on his Johnson. He enjoys long walks on the beach and a nice pair of slacks.
After retirement, Bill Clinton founded a non-profit organization that gives blowjobs to the needy. It currently employs thirty women, all of whom are tied to the Eliot Spitzer scandal. He is also helping the world by playing his saxophone for the UN and single-handedly (it has to be single handedly, because his other hand is in Kofi Annan's pants) avoiding nuclear war with Andorra. Andorra later let it be known that they have no intentions of starting a nuclear war but had been "just playing with you guys".
See also
- Al Gore
- Hillary Clinton
- Black people
- Jeffrey Epstein
- Harvey Weinstein
- Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress
- Monica Lewinsky
- United States Presidents
- Pancakes
- Sex
- Kill Bill
- Reasons to not vote Hillary
