|Date of birth||1804|
|Place of birth||New Hampshire|
|Date of death||October 8, 1869|
|Place of death||bed|
|First Lady||Mrs. Pierce|
|Order||14th or so President of the United States|
|Vice President||William R. King (1853)
|Term of office||March 4, 1853–March 4, 1857|
|Succeeded by||James Buchanan|
|Political party||Way too Much|
Franklin Pierce (November 23, 1804 – October 8, 1869) was a noted booze hound who somehow "handsomer" himself into the American presidency. Known for his studly good looks (he was the only President to have both ears pierced), Pierce's reputation is only a notch above complete crap by having served between Millard Fillmore and James Buchanan. He could drink like a mo-fo and was the first president named Franklin. He also served in the House, Senate and made the big career no-no of expressing support for the Confederacy and then dying before having a chance to spin his way out of the statement. Pierce often referred to himself as Franklin which made a great deal of sense.
Franklin Pierce was born in some town in New Hampshire. The people of that state thought so much of him they flooded the site and made a lake over it. His father, General Benjamin Pierce, was his father. Mr. Pierce's wife, Mrs. Pierce, was Franklin Pierce's mother. While easy to do, one must not confuse Mrs. Pierce the mother with Mrs. Pierce the First Lady because THAT would be weird. He had seven or so brothers and sisters of which no one is ever to speak about out. He has three children, all of whom are irrelevant to society. He is a distant relative of one Mrs. Arnie Fyunk of Wabash but she doesn't even know it herself.
Pierce was a general in the Mexican-American War where the U.S. took a bunch of land from Mexico and the Mexicans wished they'd put the resources into building a big wall to keep the Americans out. During the battle of Pinto Frijoles, Pierce was thrown forward on his horse and smacked his sack on the saddle horn thus earning himself a medal and commendation for bravery when he refused to be taken off the battlefield. It is said that the high pitched squeak of his voice could be heard over the din of battle.
As an adult, Pierce did all kinds of stuff but none of which involved murder. He drank a lot. He huffed black kittens. Eventually the people got tired of him passing out on their doorsteps and sent him to Washington. It wasn't only because he was a sloppy drunk, but because everyone thought he looked "presidential" which means he didn't look like Millard Fillmore or Martin Van Buren. It was said back then that Pierce could "out JFK, JFK" which was remarkable because JFK was just meaningless initials in pre-Civil War America.
Pierce's presidency was a disaster and should not be mentioned. Although it made him famous, Pierce often referred to his four years in Washington as "a big freakin' waste of my time and the country's time." The biggest issue facing Pierce was Slavery in which he made his most famous utterance... "Slavery? What's that now?"
Eventually he ignored into passage the Kansas-Nebraska Act where everyone went to Kansas and killed each other over whether Kansas should be a free labor state or a "charge by the hour" state. He also engineered the purchase of a chunk of land from Mexico that we should have just taken during the previous war or at any old time we felt like. Instead we plunked down $10 million which we will NEVER get back. Not to mention the tariff for the damn land too. This land is in the State of Arizona, and of course, we know what trouble that place has been lately!
Pierce spent his post-presidency wasted. Occasionally he would write letters to the Confederate President, Jefferson Davis, in which he bitched about the North and drew naughty pictures of Abraham Lincoln and his sexy wife. These letters and drawings were published and after that everyone referred to Pierce as "Old Fuckhead".
The 1860's was a time of liberation and hippiedom. Yeah, the Civil War was around, but no one cared about that back then. They were too busy getting down with the Doors and the Beatles to really care about any war. Pierce soon joined a Hippie Colony in Wisconsin. Times were good for Pierce in the 60's. He was just happy the Civil War didn't fall in his lap. What a buzz kill that could've been. Long haired, drunk and high, Pierce became the 3rd President of the Madison Hippie Colony in 1868, one year before his death.
King of the Little People
Pierce talked to things that weren't there. Andrew Johnson, who didn't know Pierce, said "That's the damndest thing I ever heard" but he may have been talking about something else. Andrew Johnson didn't have an education, so he was probably fresh off of huffing kittens at the time of the quote. But who cares? Eventually Pierce was deposed by the little people who turned to idolatry.
Eventually after all that drinking Pierce's liver said "To hell with this shit" and quit on him. Pierce died in his bed, an empty brandy glass in his hand. Just before expiring, Pierce looked up at his good friend Nathaniel Hawthorne and said "Jus' wan moar... pleeze." Hawthorne was distracted, looking through the numerous empty bottles lying all over the place, for when he found one and turned to fill Pierce's glass the ex-president was gone.
Occasionally Pierce rises from the dead and goes to a bar and gets slammed. And since 1946, he has possessed the body of Tommy Lee Jones, as seen in there striking resemblance to one another. He's scheduled to re-rise again in 2047, the same time Rio de Janiero is supposed to be flooded on my SimCity game.
In 1872 the Democrats considered nominating Pierce for President to run against incumbent booze hound Ulysses S. Grant. The idea was that Pierce could win on the fact he could hold his liquor better than Grant. The party was preparing to cast the deciding ballot for Pierce when David Davis made his famous utterance, "Wait a minute. Where the hell is Pierce? A clamor arose from the convention hall and a general riot was about to ensue when someone yelled "He's a dead drunk". That didn't bother anyone because they missed the all important "a" in that sentence. It wasn't until they realized he wasn't drunk somewhere, he was just dead and thus thoroughly unavailable. So instead they nominated Horace Greeley who promptly died.
In early 1962 John F. Kennedy was found strung out on drugs in the Oval office and Lyndon Johnson was too busy throwing puppies around his ranch in Texas to be bothered so a decision was made to enact the Substitute President Time Travel Act of 1938. Pierce was fetched from the past to fill in while Kennedy dried out. Unfortunately Pierce spent the entire time in a drunken stupor screaming into the hot line phone at Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev because he wanted a "pizza." Pierce didn't know what a pizza was, but James Buchanan had told him about eating one when he filled in for Gerald Ford in 1975 after Ford fell down some stairs and was in a coma for three days. The exchange between Pierce and Kruschev led directly to the Cuban Missile Crisis.
After the "Big Convention" of 2166, the world decided to clone Franklin Pierce in an attempt to "have a little fun", and "get loose" since everyone sucked in the 22nd century. The idea was that Pierce could show them how to drink hard. The idea failed, however, and the world continued to suck until the end of days December 12th, 200012 A.D. (Year 3 in Blastonian Time).
- "Damned Saddle horn. I never saw it coming."
- "Slavery? What's that now?"
- "Jane, how do I get off this crazy thing. Jane!"
- "There's nothing left to do but get drunk."
- "That shit Fillmore took all the TP."
- "Dear Mr. Davis. I love you and the South. Hate the North." (Note to Jefferson Davis)''
- "A pizza, Nick. Buck said this 'pizza' was good. I want peppered roni. What language are you speaking?
|President of the United States
March 4, 1853 – March 4, 1857