User talk:Birch.jonathan
You Are An Unwilling Participant in a Nefarious Competition![edit source]
Hello, Birch.jonathan, and welcome to Uncyclopedia!
You might think that you're being welcomed because you are liked.
Well
You have been misinformed. You are not liked.
Well, maybe a little.
Especially if you made a cake. Did you?
Anyway *clears throat*
The reason you have been welcomed is because members of an evil group, known as The Welcoming Committee are trying to score as many new members as possible to win some obscure statistic. Confused? So are we.
Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the airlock right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Don't forget the big red button marked "EJECT".
Here are a few good links for people new to this psychotic wiki:
If you read anything at all, make it the above two links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
- Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (
) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
If you need help, feel free to ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is there to bring experienced editors straight to you. Browse our list of available mentors, and leave them a message on their talk page.
Consider yourself welcomed. Now get to work! -- ~
09:01, 22 September 2008 (UTC)
Oh Dear...[edit source]
Hello, Birch.jonathan, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Unfortunately, we've noticed that your contributions - not to put too fine a point on it - have been crap. Basically, we think you're a spammer/vandal/10-year-old. But don't despair! We have ways to make you talk.. ahem. I mean, there are ways to get you out of this mess.
- Beginner's Guide
- Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends
- If you're a vandal, this may be your wake up-call!
- How to be funny and not just stupid
If you read anything at all, make it the above four links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these:
- About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia
- How to get started editing on uncyclopedia
- Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask
- Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue
Good luck and I'm sorry you got off to such a bad start. I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button (
) above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date.
If you need help or think this template has been placed unfairly, please ask me or an admin on their talk page, rather than going bat-fuck-insane. Alternatively you can ask at the Dump, or add the following: {{help}} to this page along with a message and someone will come along and help you if they can. Again, welcome!
--
Roman Dog Bird 
23:18, September 12, 2009 (UTC)
Oh, yes I did leave a warning[edit source]
Here. Maybe it doesn't sound much like a warning, but I did try to speak out to you about it.
Now, please, for the love of God, do not add that quote ever again. And don't get the wrong idea. It ain't offensive to me (like any crack at Heath fucking Ledger would be), it's just totally unfunny and useless. I can't understand how you didn't realize this when it was removed threefour times. Oh, and there's this, too. You need to look around here a bit more. -- Roman Dog Bird 20:17, September 14, 2009 (UTC)