User:Vashtar/Beetroot
“Peel me another beetroot, Mildred.”
“Fuck off.”
Beetroot is a naturally occurring Precious Thing and ancient Slavic god-plant believed to have its origins on the coal barges of long ago. It is reputed to have many medicinal, magical, managerial and confusing properties, and was originally used as a primitive type of ceremonial lipstick (see Palin) believed to empower the wearer with invisibility (in men) and chocolate immunity (in women).
History[edit | edit source]
In common with all root vegetables, beetroot fell out of the sky in 653 BC. Before this it had successfully remained a closely guarded secret of the people of the mountain village of High Asakite, somewhere in the middle of the world. Then one day, a Guardian of the Temple of Heaps was pulling a Vner-Vnor full of sacred beetroots up the mountain when the padding collapsed and the beetroots escaped, pouring down the mountain, bouncing off things as they went, and ending up all over the world.
Barszcz czerwony[edit | edit source]
The global beetroot explosion had terrible consequences for the colour of things. The sky in America (or what would become America after the Reptiloids left) turned an intolerable shade of puce, a paler and more nauseating dilution of the darker puce which smothered the Middle East and parts of New Zealand with tendrils of near-doom. Suddenness was everywhere as people ran about screaming for their lives, and dogs began to eat each other. The Loch Ness Monster resigned, plunging the world into a huge confusing war which lasted until everyone forgot about it and adopted a lifestyle dedicated to baking light, fluffy, deliciously moist sponge cakes with imaginatively iced toppings, culminating in the appointment of Mr Kipling in 1937. .
Arse Like a Beetroot[edit | edit source]
The Weasels, fearful of losing their place in the hierarchy of the forest, created a monstrous machine called an Overwhelming Octagonal Nursingbra which produced evil new hairy animal/beetroot mutants called Big Arsed Bastards, which had become the baboons of nowadays by lunchtime.
Beetroot Today[edit | edit source]
In these days of the credit crunch and mass hysteria, storing all your rubbish in the spare room and growing your own food on it is more important than ever, and this is where beetroot comes into its own. Mrs Beetroot’s Book of Beetroot Management (Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, £132.78) is brimming with recipes written in code by Mrs Beetroot during her forced viewing of a performance of Handel’s Messiah by a cult she had joined by accident.
Classics such as Beetroot Fallout and the aptly named Lilac Recrimination, discovered accidentally by a gang of Large Hadron Collider scientists during an early escape attempt, are once again enjoying unbelievable popularity with a new breed of Green people who will happily sacrifice their third car and the au pair’s back to save our planet.
Beetroot Fallout[edit | edit source]
Ingredients: 20 beetroots, 6 paper bags
Method: Several the beetroots, and place them into individual paper bags. Line the bags up on the work top, and shout at them until the beetroots wither. Tip beetroots into a large bowl and check them with a Geiger counter - they should only be slightly radioactive. Serve with deliberate slowness accompanied by a compote of tedium and frustration.
Lilac Recrimination[edit | edit source]
First take a copy of Laurie Lee’s Cider with Rosie to your nearest charity (thrift) shop and leave it there. While it’s away make up a quart of brine using a demi-bunce of vinegar, half a template of flaccid correction fluid and a furlong of grated aluminium. Add a quarter wheelbarrow of freshly tamed beetroots. Ignite.
See also: Parsnip Gratitude