User:Thepunctuationgnome/Nike
“Its so Cewel! Why? Well.. Just 'cos!”
“The child labour poured into these fashionable shoes makes me self-fulfilled. Huzzah!”
Nike are a gigantic multinational corporation created by the god himself, Nike, and immediately thought, upon running out of Naked Greek Men, up a dastardly plot to saturate the entire world with brand name trash. He waited long and tiresomely for this day to come. When the opportunity arose, he snatched at it like a Gay Transpecies Dog.
Many believe Nike is a company. This is untrue. Nike is the physical manifestation of the God, Nike. Every single product bought from Nike is infact a part of her. Think about what you may be doing next time you kick that ball around outside.
Nike have an estimated turnover of a 6000000000000000000000000.. Yen a year. 56,522,541,711,608,554,455,040$. Wow, the exchange rates really aren't that bad, are they? Here's what the Think Tanks United spokesperson has to say on the matter :
“Of course not. Credit Crunch? Hahahahahaha, what Credit Crunch? You are a funny man.”
“You are getting quite off-topic there, mister analyst.”
“Quick! To the fabricated facts computer!”
“Goodbye, fine sir.”
Founding[edit | edit source]
One day, on Mt. Olympus, Mr. Nike had grown tiresome of playing with mortals from above. He instead chose to play with mortals' wallets on the High Street. Nike spent ~1975 years planning how he would implement this plan.
Above is Nike's true form. Ain't he a smooth fella?
Lets start in the most illustrious of years, AD 0. At this point, Nike was striding cockily around the Far East proclaiming himself a king. The Jews and subsequently Albert Einstein got pissed. At first they helped Nike, in giving him worthless trinkets, and giving his whoreish mother false hope that her son would do anything useful other than fuck some farmer girl a couple of times and own alot of animals.
Nike started spreading this message around at that time.
In 1975-1985 Nike founded the company synonymous with his name, Nike. Catchy naming schemes is half of his allure. In its first 5 years, the company turned over 5 million dollars. This is totally and utterly amazing, as Nike did not shift a single unit of stock in those five years. Many claim that Nike funded it himself, much like Bill Gates paying Microsoft's fines out of his own pocket. This is widely regarded as a nonsensical and silly conspiracy, much like 9/11.
After exactly 1830 days of Nike having started as a company, people seemed to run to shops and immediately purchase as many pieces of Nike clothing as is humanly possible.
This year, Nike turned over a record breaking.. Sum of money. This "Sum Of Money" amounts to all the money created since Nike's birth.
Whether this would be in Euro, Dollar or Sterling is unclear.
That 1975 (Or So) Years[edit | edit source]
Nike spent most of his 'Interim Period' in between medieval courts and hovels. He particularly loved placing funny looking Goblets under mortals noses. Thus the Holy Grail. Also he fathered Leonardo Da Vinci, after a hilarious stint with Barbara Bush.
Nike spent alot of his time after Leonardo's birth trying to figure out some way to get rid of him. Through this he unwittingly gave him such silly ideas as:
The Helicopter.
The Flying Toilet.
A Crappy Tank.
A man on a reel?
After this Nike became a drunk, passing through many countries, and occasionally pillaging. Once, Nike took a liking to show the petty mortals that there was more to the world than their ignorant little continent. Thus, Bartholomew Diaz, Vasco De Gama, and Christopher Columbus were created. This was all a drunken joke between Nike and Offler, but it soon devolved into an all-out arm flailing battle. Offler decided to join the Russians, and thus Putin (And Vodka) was born.
“Why are you using "Thus" so much?”
“Oh, shutup.”
At this point, Nike had entered a period of heightened drug use and was constantly off his face on many wonderful things. Such as Cough Medicine. One day, in the guise of some doctor, Nike showed the world the wonders of Medicine! Yayy!
And finally we arrive at the subject of this Article![edit | edit source]
Huh?
“God, you suck.”