User:The Hunt/HowTo:Be Obscenely Rich
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Becoming obscenely rich is something that takes a lot of time, effort and haggling and is the subject of many books and self-help videos (the majority of which are utterly useless, may I add). But being obscenely rich is a completely different matter completely. Obscene wealth is something that is envied by many and enjoyed by very few, since the Bible teaches us that money is the root of all evil. Of course the bible hasn't been taken seriously since it dropped to #12 on Oprah's book list and many people seem quite happy whilst splashing their wealth over the four corners of their 24-karat world. For those select few talented, privileged, lucky or materialistic enough to be rich, this guide will show you how to splash your cash in the most affluent of ways.
Step 1:Boring Money[edit | edit source]
The best way to make a moza is to make it in the most boring of ways. It's sad to think that the person with the gleaming new Ferrari and the girlfriend who looks as if she's just stepped out of the Playboy Mansion probably made his money by becoming the CEO of a sanitary napkin company. It makes you feel so insignificant as you pursue a adventurous, thrill-seeking, and thus penniless, life. Although writing or painting are pursiuts of the smart, it's hard to keep that image of legitimacy while driving a rusty '68 Morris Minor that you had to take out two loans on to buy, or being abused by a drunk hooker waiting in the Social Security line. Alas, being the head of a cool company isn't exciting either. As fun as it may sound to be the head of Formula 1 or Hooters, you only end up doing copious amounts of paperwork and brown-nosing the shareholder. The saddest part of it all this is the fact that the amount of boring work you do eventually affects your personality. You soon become as depressing, dull and tedious as the work you do. But don't worry, because your friends will always be there for you. Well as long as you've got money to steal. Ah well, even if you are so boring that a new beachfront villa won't even make up for it...who needs friends when you need money?
Step 2:Get Charitable[edit | edit source]
For some reason all rich people think that if they give money to charity they will be forgiven for all their particular bouts of consumerism, unfortunately they're completely wrong. Nevertheless, lords, ladies, dukes, duchesses and all other overpaid cads continue to pour millions upon millions of dollars, pounds, euros, roubles and yen into charities ranging from helping orphans in downtown Darfur to helping disenfranchised meat-packers in East Liverpool. Since most rich folk are far too busy mistreating their employees or going on Mediterranean cruises to see what they're donating their money to, they give anything money. This often has hilarious effects, especially when in 2004 a Texan oil tycoon donated $20 million to the American Cooties Foundation. When rich people get annoyed because no one is there to see them spreading their genarosity across the world, they like to hold Charity Functions. Unfortunately they also like to use these functions to argue over who has more money, and mass brawls have broken out the last 12 times these much-maligned events have been held. The last one claimed the life of a 98-year-old Swedish duke and they haven't been held since, although Donald Trump has threatened to hold one next year.
Step 3:Become a Household Name (And Not Just Because Your Company Was Involved in a Workplace Health and Safetey Scandal)[edit | edit source]
One thing that is good about being obscenely rich is that you have an amazing PR department at your disposal that can make you more famous than The Beatles. I mean, Paris Hilton didn't become famous because she looks like a Los Angeles hooker. She did what most rich people do when they have too much time and money. She exploited herself until the little dignity she had in the first place was wiped off the face of the Earth, and in the process become so famous that you can't enter a department store without seeing the blonde-haired heiress with naval mines for breasts adorning the cover of some deathly-scented perfume bottle.