User:Stevetattoos/Tortoise

“Kung-Fu Turtle Mother Fucker”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tortoise

“Just like Elvis in Blue Hawaii. Uh-huh-huh! I saw it on cable.”

~ Master Splinter on the pleasures and conveniences of modern television

Tortoises are reptiles of the Order Testes. Most tortoises secrete a bony or cartilaginous shell from their ribs, which helps protect them from predators, their environment, Mario, and Master Shredder.

The Order Testes includes both extant (living) and extinct (Undead) species. The earliest known tortoises date from 512 million years ago, making tortoises one of the oldest reptile groups on this entire planet, and a more ancient group than lizards, snakes, and priests.

About 307 species are dying out next Thursday (thanks chiefly to Chinese People and AIDS), and some are highly endangered (but not according to God).

Confusion

Tortoises and turtles are accountably accountable, and should be made to answer for this confusion (but not between the months of December and March, when they are away on holiday, while you are falsely believing they are pretending to be dead), for the confusion that is adhered regarding them.

If you (stupidly) can't work out what is a tortoise, and what is a turtle, absolutely do not ask a tortoise. Or a turtle. They will certainly feign hibernation, so if you're lucky, you might receive an "I wish you were here" postcard from the mother-tort-land S-l-o-w-venia. Although don't hold out any hope for a written answer.

Geography and History

Contrary to what Mike next door says, tortoises do not originate from the UK, although they can be found in the pet shops across the Kingdom, and from online tortoise traders with seemingly UK based web sites. In fact, tortoises are gradually emerging from S-l-o-w-venia, but not at a great rate and some people are still waiting. The main influx of tortoises to Great Britain is from former eastern European communist countries, now commonly grouped together in the Bloc known by the title of TortoiseLand (Please note: However, Quebec is still stubbornly insisting on becoming its own country where the English speakers and the language of English will be finally banned: English speaking Quebecian tortoises will receive extra tuition in French. Or else mon whatever).

The first ever tortoise came into being when God was in a playful mood, fiddling about with a bread roll, mini-sausages-on-sticks and a prototype mini-pterodactyl self assembly kit.

The Angel Gabriel could not understand where the mini-sausages-on-sticks had disappeared to, while he was preparing a heavenly banquet, but then realised he had forgotten the fairy cakes, and in his haste, kicked the head of the prototype across the room, and through into the kitchen. Meanwhile God was rushing from the dining room through to the kitchen for a second cuppa whilst He was assembling the terror-thingy and noticed the head in the bread rolls. Thus inspiredGod was responsible for the sausage arms and legs (and tail) within aforementioned bread roll

The Angel Gabriel, no doubt surprised, respectfully (and sensibly) made no mention of Missing Sausages, but but he did suggest colouring the whole caboodle green.

Turtle, Tortoise, or Terrapin?

The word "turtle" is widely used to describe all members of the order Testes, but it is also common for people to term certain members as tortoises, terrapins, sea turtles, or "la muerte arrugada" (the wrinkly death).

The appellation used varies from location to location.

• In Antarctica, "turtle" = aquatic or semi-aquatic or very-semi-aquatic while "tortoise" means non-semi-non-aquatic or, alternately, super-non-semi-non-aquatic.

• The continent of Africa generally uses the term "tik-tik,"

• Japan gravitates towards the label "king-kong" but we all know that King Kong was not a turtle, but a very lonely ape.

• On Earth 2 (China), people call them "armor not invincible to our mighty Chinese Capitalistic Communist mouths (CCCm) that turn it into poo."

Other places don't know about turtles. Scientists use the general term "Chelonian" to include all members of Turtles or Tortoises or Terrapins. However, very few people actually pronounced it correctly, and since then, the description has been discontinued for the term "Shelled-Mega-Lizard".

Anatomy and Morphology

Tortoises are cold-blooded organisms (called poikilotherms - or, "unrepentant assassins") and thus maintain their body temperatures in ways different from mammals, such as donkeys, and birds, such as velociraptors and the Boeing 787.

The anatomy of tortoises can be very puzzling to humans, especially dumb ones. Cartoons and movies based on real-life, such as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, don't help to resolve this issue either.

The Shell

The upper shell of the tortoise is called the carapace, and the lower shell that encases the belly is called the plastron. They are fused together by rocks and gold, which made tortoises in the years of the Gold Rush very valuable.

Luckily, most gold profiteers thought gold was to be mined from mountains, which is extremely wrong. Although gold most notably comes from tortoises, geese and other reptiles produce it as well.

Fire Breathing/Dispensing of Justice

A close relative of the ill-fated Megaraptors of the Jurassic (see AIDS), tortoises have, over time, evolved the ability to breathe fire, a gift bestowed upon them in days of old by the Great Satan (HAIL SATAN). They also received the gift of facial hair, which allows them to grow outrageously bushy lamb chops, which is also pretty nifty. They will also, if provoked, roundhouse kick you in the face

Deadly Defecations

Tortoises poop cactus. Spiky, AIDS-infected cactus. Not to be confused with klingons, ever.

Can the tortoise leave its shell for a cup of coffee or a quick jog?

A fair question indeed. Certain factors must be considered in advance. For example: if the tortoise detaches him/her/itself from his/hers/its shell, with the specific intent to participate in aforementioned quick jog, what will become of the shell? Also: are there velociraptors/fat people/African cape hunting dogs/North American river otters involved? River otters, being notoriously inefficient at penetration of tortoise shells, and (on occasion) being armed with wildly unconventional bludgeoning weapons (see Dwarfism/Ben Stiller), are also rather fond of quick jogs themselves, provided oysters and cable television are in some way involved in the proceedings. By the way: tortoises are tea drinkers (see communism). They do not drink coffee, ever, nor should they be allowed to. That's a stupid question. And yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question. I just asked one (see headline). If you give a tortoise coffee (aka the mighty Java), they become wild with rage, developing insatiable obsessions with Japanese animated pornography and/or transforming into skeleton zombie pirates, and/or Josef Stalin. The fact of the matter is, being blisteringly dull and unexciting members of the Order Testes, tortoises prefer a nice mug of Earl Grey, as well as a good book (see the Collected Works of Konrad Lorenz, vol 15,672). They also enjoy Snuggies™, being flaming homosexuals themselves (see gay).

Martial Arts

Tortoises are trained from birth in Kung Fu, Ninjitsu, Chrochet, Surma stickfighting, Dambe, Sumo wrestling, oil wrestling, mud wrestling, and fascism. They were taught these abilities in the days of old by Thor, God of Thunder and Electricians, who, frankly, acts like it. He still lords it over them to this very day.

See also

• Turtle
• Fluffy turtle
• Testes

Tortoise
Kingdom	The Princely Lands of Lordship
Phylum	Chordata
Class	of 84
Order	Testes
Genus	Geochelone
Species	Twoheadis
Type	Unknown
Homeworld	Jupiter and the inner rim
Size	412 inches
Color	The color of blood under moonlight.
Abilities	Avoiding children with the awesome power of four eyes, eating, sleeping, sunning itself, pooping cactus
Environment	Finger tips