User:RAHB/Where Are They Now?: The Aristocrats

Where Are They Now?: The Aristocrats is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions

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Where Are They Now?: The Aristocrats

Introduction

After the title sequence ends, our esteemed host, Lark Voorhies, makes her entrance to the stage, delicately stepping down the long staircase leading from the top of the set to the front of the stage near the audience. She is adorned with a flowing, gold-colored gown, matching heels, tasteful makeup and jewelry, and a priceless pearl necklace. She pauses in the middle of the staircase to introduce our program.

Lark

American entertainment has been graced by the face of many a superstar in our illustrious history. If Dick Van Dyke were alive today, I'm sure that he'd be proud to look back on the vast array of talents that has constituted our wonderous television, film and music industries over the past several decades. But here's one thing you might not realize.

Lark resumes her slow pace walking down the stairs toward the camera, while she continues to speak.

Lark

What you may be surprised to know is that Dick Van Dyke was a man who loved the theatre, especially vaudeville. And one of his favorite acts, and ours, was a family group who made an incalculable influence on performers throughout the country and, indeed, the world.

At this point, our host takes an awkward step, breaking a heel. As she steps back for balance with her other foot, she slips on the hem of her gown, sending her hurtling violently down the stairs, each moment of contact puncturing her skin and damaging her bones and vital organs. When she finally reaches the bottom of the stairs, she is a mess of blood, torn fabrics, and disheveled hair. Slowly, she opens her mouth to speak her final words, seemingly to no one in particular.

Lark

The....Aristocrats...Where are they now?...

She then sighs heavily, and lays down for her final sleep. A passing dog wanders onto the set and, after sniffing her out for a bit, proceeds to enthusiastically violate her corpse.

Loving Daughter, Faye Thompson

Voiceover

The first step in our trip down memory lane was to speak with Faye Thompson, the youngest of The Aristocrats, to ask her about her time with the group and her ambitions for the future.

Faye is seated at the edge of one of the pews inside an otherwise empty church. Behind her are several lit candles and a stained glass portrait of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Faye

It was shocking for me, the first time I stepped into the classroom and everybody looked at me like I was some kind of alien who'd just beamed down right in front of them. I knew the news about my family had gotten out. I thought "what am I gonna do? My life is ruined. Nobody will understand this." But I was wrong. To my surprise, everybody in the school started treating me like some kind of movie star! Some of the little heathens had even been to see the act already. Everybody was so proud to know a big star of the stage.

With this statement, Faye brushes her hair back theatrically. She pauses for a moment, before looking as though she just remembered something vitally important, and reaches into her shirt for her crucifix necklace, which she strokes ceremoniously while mumbling what sounds like a kind of prayer, making a few wild hand gestures before putting the crucifix back down and continuing on.

Faye

They thought I was making a statement about society and art and entertainment. They didn't know I was being imprisoned by my fame, that my father was forcing these ungodly acts onto his wife and children.

Ideas

• The hosts keep dying. The last host is Dick Van Dyke. He dies of old age.
• The daughter is extremely religious despite her heroin addiction. When telling their stories of childhood, the daughter relates that she became inexplicably more popular and well-liked by her class-mates when they found out what she did with her family, thinking it was edgy, satirical and "made a real statement about society". When asked about her old tricks and whether she'll perform any, she is disgusted and implies having been traumatized by her past.
• The son is paralyzed from the neck down (caused by a trick wherein his mother would hold him up by the ankles, his father would throatfuck him vigorously, and then grab him by the neck and twist his head around almost 360 degrees, which would typically amaze the audience) and in a motorized wheelchair (it's probably constantly getting stuck on stuff). The son was not as lucky socially as the daughter. It's implied that his entire life has been one misfortune after another. Anything "fist-sized" brings back painful memories to the son. He obviously cannot perform any of his old tricks because of his disability, and it's vague as to whether or not he'd be willing if he could.
  • He waxes philosophical about how sometimes he just wishes he were invisible. He gets lost in a drawn-out fantasy about the things he would be able to do, which would start innocently and creatively and devolve into a depraved sequence of violent crimes including raping his religious sister and various other people who he believes have wronged him. (Quote Purity Ring "cover the hills with their sweet flesh and soft nails")
• The mother is an ordinary late-50s/early-60s woman who does cross-stitching and occasionally fixes things around the house, and has otherwise typical if fulfilling interests. Despite having mellowed considerably she still doesn't mind performing some of her old tricks for the crew when asked, unlike the rest of the family.
• The father is absolutely bat-shit insane and believes that "Animals exist for fucking and eating", "What's the point in having a kid if you can't stick your dick in where it belongs?", "Cats are curious, but dogs are delicious!" and other psychotic and schizophrenic phrases at the most extreme limits of the Jake Morgendorffer archetype. When reminded of his past tricks, he sees the suggestion as pigeonholing him to his old work, when he really wishes to do new things with the concept of the Aristocrats (albeit still disgusting and reprehensible things).
• After the interviews, the crew takes the whole family back to a stream in the forest near their old home, where the children used to play and practice their routine. The children attempt to sit on a log by the stream, which is something the show wishes to get across as something normal and innocent that they used to do, but it clearly was not. The son's handicap keeps him from sufficiently enjoying the nostalgia, and the daughter is bickering about how his presence offends her because of the way he "carries his shame with him" in the form of his wheelchair.
  • After the family awkwardly deals with this "trip down memory lane", a dragon suddenly flies by overhead, setting fire to much of the forest, at which point the husband smugly remarks to the wife "HA! And YOU said that dragons didn't exist!" As if spurred on by this surreal turn of events, the son and daughter begin passionately making out. The father, shocked by their display of affection, tears his own penis off and shoves it down his own throat, choking violently. The mother calmly does the Heimlich maneuver on him as the narrator ends the program.