User:PoopManPoop/UnNews: Deranged scientist shocks world, himself.
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 May 2011
San fransisco, California -- In an interview earlier today with CNN, Stephen Hawkings, the scientist, of course, in one of his famous press conferences let slip that the evolutionary process was, in fact, "set up by those good for nothing filth of the Earth penguin cunts". He did so when provoked about answering the important questions of the universe. All the while laughingly pointing towards the cage of trained dancer penguins in the back of his truck. Perturbed by the sudden gasp of the crowd of scientist fan boys and wannabes who had gathered around to see there idol live-in-interview, and an alarming rise in tweets directed towards him on his smartphone , he very conveniently changed it to "So, parallel universes huh. How cool are they!". Which very obviously didn't even make it to them because by now they had formed a circle around the truck and had started chanting something, which didn't sound very intelligent or even comprehensible for that matter to me. Some of them had even started to make a move towards the cage of the dancer penguins, namely "The White Swans..NOT!", which were shortly sent to safety by the Chief of police, presumably in an armored van. He was then later called up by the news channel for the full story which he narrated in complete detail. Presumably because, if his maid is to be believed, he was "shit drunk and piss stoned!".
As reported by CNN, Stephen Hawkings said that the penguins were, in fact, the first ever cloned creatures on this planet. It was then called Oorg by the natives, the natives being the cloners. He also led us to believe, in a voice very similar to that of a 9-year old girl, that those penguins, happily so, cloned the first ever monkey, and named him Alpha-90210i. The rest, as they say, is history, or biology, or, according to a completely different set of people, Bible. He then stated, on a serious and a slightly hushed note, that the penguins are "planning a mass invasion not only on the human soil, but on the human mind, and a huge one at that.They are currently in the process of building an army made up of 10000..warrior penguins, I guess." Then, on a more relaxed note, he said, " Let them come, I can take on 10000 half birds over my wife any day, them fuckers!". This was followed by a order request to the maid "Take me to the pot, I have to take a dump". In the approximately ten minutes of the line being on hold, all they could reportedly hear was the neigh of a horse (could have well being a recording of it, according to the guy who called us), some heavy metal music and the occasional "CHECK MATE!" in a robot's voice, occuring in an interval of 40 seconds or so. When everything was over with, Mr. Hawkings further warned that if the penguins aren't stopped in due time, it might result in the "biggest conspiracy against humanity this world has seen since 9/11. The Earth as we know it will cease to *BURP* exist."
When contacted in person, the penguin lord refused blatantly to comment on the said issue and suddenly broke into a well versed dancing routine. Leading penguin language experts explain this behaviour as an attempt obviously to deviate the attention of the whole world from a potential mass annihilation to that happy dance. Either that, or he just wanted to show us what he got! Either way, remember, if you are going to take guns to a penguin fight, make sure you win.