User:OpenFaceSurgery/Sandbox/Chuck Norris vs. MacGyver
Both Carlos Raymond "Chuck Norris" Norris and Angus "MacGyver" MacGyver are famous worldwide as badasses, capable of superhuman feats of amazingness and awesome-osity. Norris's roundhouse kick is a mighty preternatural force, and MacGyver's ability to build just about anything out of parts that don't make sense is the stuff of legend. The question that has long plagued many great philosophers is that of the outcome of an all-out, no-holds-barred battle to the death between Norris and MacGyver.
Background[edit | edit source]
Chuck Norris and Angus MacGyver first met in the late 1960s, during the height of the hippie era. Initially, Norris was not bothered by MacGyver, as he considered himself the Supreme Badass of the Universe, but harsh words were exchanged and Norris, insulted by MacGyver's insistence that physics was a more valuable pursuit than fighting, declared him an enemy and secretly gathered information on young Angus for years, waiting for the right moment to strike.
Tensions Increase[edit | edit source]
MacGyver discovered the martial artist's machinations in early 2006, and issued a statement via his agent that he would meet Norris face-to-face in combat, the only rule being that MacGyver be given access to an office supply store and a Korean grocery. Kim's Authentic Korean-American Store (KAKAS) and Staples both agreed to sponsor the fight, and the Budweiser beer company signed on for exclusive beverage rights.
The date of the fight was tentatively set for September 1, 2007 and the two men began to prepare. MacGyver worked feverishly and was only infrequently seen when he left his underground laboratory to buy kimchi and paper clips.
Norris traveled to rural China and is believed to have spent an entire year without sleep, doing nothing but beating up trees in preparation for the fight. Eyewitness reports are dubious at best, because it is difficult to survive an exploded head, described as a common result of witnessing Chuck Norris's training up close. After his year of tree-smashing, Chuck Norris disappeared off the face of the earth and is presumed to have slept the remaining months until the fight.
Pre-Fight[edit | edit source]
Advantages to Chuck Norris[edit | edit source]
Norris is known to possess a mighty beard which can deflect facial blows and is rumored to conceal a third fist. He is also a terrifying figure, feared even by such masters of terror as Osama Bin Laden, Howard Dean, monsters under your bed, and Big Bird.
Advantages to Angus MacGyver[edit | edit source]
MacGyver is notorious for his ability to build strange and useful gadgets from just about anything, and in some primitive cultures he is revered as a god and said to have built the universe out of his own poop and six paper clips (known as the Six Bendy Things of Creation).
MacGyver's Gadgets[edit | edit source]
MacGyver brought a number of products and homemade devices with him to aid in his fight, including:
- A hammer made of six bananas, a goat's horn, and Mr. Kim's favorite belt.
- Nine bombs made from potatoes.
- A silly hat made out of an unidentifiable black muck.
- Seven rubber bands
- A polished walrus dick
- Ten gallons of industrial-strength Listerine
The Fight[edit | edit source]
The match was to consist of seven rounds, with the first to draw blood, knock his opponent from the ring, or kill his opponent to be declared the winner of that round. The overall winner would be whoever had successfully defeated his opponent in four of the seven rounds.
Round One[edit | edit source]
Norris opened with a falcon punch to MacGyver's cheekbone, deflected by the mighty physicist's hammer but causing it to explode in the process, spraying both combatants with flaming bits of leather. As both were equally injured, the round was declared a draw.
Round Two[edit | edit source]
MacGyver caught Norris by surprise with a rocket-propelled walrus dick to the ribcage, knocking him back several steps. The inventor was heard to have shouted "aye, I'll gie ye a walrus tadger in yer arse, ya choob!" Unfazed, Norris retaliated with a boot to the head, bloodying Angus's nose and winning the second round.
Round Three[edit | edit source]
Norris opened with a roundhouse kick that was unexpectedly halted by the meaty ham-fists of Bill Brasky, who is a son of a bitch and once ate an entire Vietnamese village on a dare. Grasping each combatant in one hand, Brasky ate Norris, then MacGyver, and washed them down with all ten gallons of Listerine. He would have been declared the winner, but he also ate the judges.