Jobs
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Wanted - benevolent dictator to over-rule small african country. Immediate start, reasonable rates. Previous applicants should apply using relevant millitary force. References required. Box 3749
Dynamic, self starter? - we need you to join our growing team of crack addicted wikipedia truth-straighteners. Must be fluent in HTML, Javascript etc, and have a creative mind. Please send examples of work to Ron@scientonomy.org.
Own Broom? then you are just the person we need! Skilled floor cleanliness technician wanted to remove accumulating debris from within uncyclopedia. must be able to work within confined spaces, and be comfortable with removal of fecal joke matter. reply box 3420
Earn $$$$££££ from the comfort of your own home! - you too can earn MONEY from the comfort of your own home. sent a cheque for as much as you have to me, and i'll tell you more!
reply box 3421.
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Wanted
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Man who had Van wants Van, to become Man with Van again, due to personality differences with previous van. Bedford Rascals need not apply. Box 3619
Rebellion Uprising wants pilot with good eye, to work for no money. Force an advantage. Reply PO Box 2, Inconspicuous Igloo, Hoth, Sector Q7.
Will you do my job? I am lazy. do it for me. I might give you a slice of cake. Box 3420
keen, youthful uprising wants leader to help us overthrow the junta. expenses paid.Box 4529
Monkey wants organ to borrow for grinding coffee gig. Will pay reasonable costs. contact Monkey.
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Cars
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Runs like it's on a rail! Contact me quick for this quality motor. good engine wear, novel electric motor, good body work. Slight steering issues hence only £200 for this quality scalectrix model motor. Rod, 09453 54032 - first to see will buy.
Government approved! one of a few chances for you to own this quality vintage car. Large engine, excellent ventilation holes, 2-track steering, FSH, Sunroof. War Deficit forces sale. Non runner - £300,000,000. contact Al, Box 320, Sudan.
Spares or Repair this excellent historical propellor plane, ex-project, age forces sale, is now for sale for parts. will split if necessary. contact Buddy or Rich, Bermuda, 255-500-3425
One of a kind offers for this one of a kind two seater car, sporty, colorful. adoption forces sale. contact Noddy or Biggy, T.Land, Box 2
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Household
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Anvil - quality, 3 tonne "Acme" anvil, slight wear, many uses, forced to sell for food. contact Willy Coyote, Box 3450, Texas.
Katana Brand cooking knife, ideal for ritual disembowelling, 1 use only, $4 for quick sale. call Jack R, old London Town (nights only).
Scissors? you betcha. Run to al's one-eyed scissor emporium. Junction Of Red and dead.Box 312
Moron! Only one use. excellent for making life changing decisions. Ideal for political lobbying. OIRO 30,000 Lek. call Dick, W.House, Washington, DC, 202-456-1111
Stiff Beating - My wife doesnt like me when I thrash her. Trade me a dishwasher and she is yours. either that or kill her. I'm not bothered.
Technology Dont understand it? Neither do we. write to Luddites Anonynmous.
Muder kit full set - comprising rope, lead piping, candlestick, pistol, spanner. one missing, but ideal gift. some fingerprints. Call Rev Green, c/o HMP wadsworth.
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Services
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Lemons Affected by them? I'll rid you from them for a low price? call Hal anytime. Hal's lemonaids: 1-800-lemons.
Locusts? We can remove them quickly and easily. Price negotiable, generally involves Exodus. also specialise in frogs, death of firstborn etc. Write/pray: moses, c/o Mr god.
Demons - killed with style. Call UMC.
Hal - is rubbish, and hates lemons. He stamps on them as well. call alice at the LPL for info.
Lemons? Have you been Attacked or abused? Join our Class action suit agains Hals Lemonaids inc. 13000 are already participating. Call J.Citrus for your application form & qualification questions.
Bees!for your knees. Trees for your elbows. Houses for your Geraniums.
DOGS I hate you. go away.
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Garden
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Lawn destroyers we trash your garden with the minimum of fuss. vomit available as extra. visit Lawn-destroyerz.com
Hedge trimmer VGC, but unsuitable for pubic trimming, hence sale. will swap for bush strimmer or similar. call alice.
TREE! I WILL DESTROY ALL TREES! FOR FREE! I HATE THEM AND WILL KILL THEM! Box 2247
Peanut plant will trade for elephant.
Organic celebrity lawnmower Needs occasional feeding. re-homing due to excessive abuse of previous owner. contact Gerry at goat-re-housing.com.
death plant - will kill most intruders on sight. slightly faulty, cannot disern pet dogs well. good condition, £100. Box 3402
Garden sewing Start a new hobby today - Take up garden sewing today. call Janice yesterday!
Doctor lawn I'll diagnose your lawn for a small fee. call now for a free telephone consultation. tennis pitches a specialty. Box 3293
WORMS Available in dog, cat and lawn varieties. very tasty. Box 2358
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Personals
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You love me. I'd like you a lot if you like me a lot. box 3201
Horse seeks course. not to boggy please. no mares. Box 3982
High up leader of secret sect seeks apprentice to turn & maybe more. GSOH & family relations a bonus. all replies answered. Box 3249
will you hold my wellington boots? box 3467
Frog seeks princess for role-play fun. NSA. No peas please. Box 3758
OOG prehistoric caveman seeks nice girl for dining, intelligent conversation, and furtherance of the human race. club a bonus. Box 3156
Timelord WLTM lovely girl for companionship, defeat of timeless evils and nightmares in general. own home. box n-1.
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Miscellaneous
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Ambulance driver needed drive recklessly through freeway and city streets, all in name of health and safety. on-site medical. Box 2209
Need elitist but not you. go away. Box 5211
Certified looney for hire will do any work for squirrels. see them? are watching me. don't want me to work, but will show them all. will not work on evil nut mines. Box weedle-weedle boofly 8
Professional earwax sculptor any model, any size, all-natural materials, local applicants only please. Box 0112
How's my driving? call 911
AAAAAAAAA! AAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAA AAAA AAAA AAAAAAA AAA AAAA AA AA AAA. Aaa AAAA
Lost? - help us find you. we can find anything - we have a really big list. Also includes naughty pictures for additional fee. contact Google inc with SAE for details.
Found - large quantity of abused kittens. free to good home. some use. Brian for details.
WIKIPEDIA What's that all about then? someone tell me. I've never seen such a large collection of spelling errors. also, lies.
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Property
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Unique Archictecture One of a kind house, designed by family arcihtect, with large quantities of space. Contact M Escher, Box 3345 for further info.
Box A highly mobile, versatile, one room bed-sit, with the possibility of excellent views and premier location. large vista patio. Meths c/h. OIRO 5 cans of special brew. Talk to jerry, corner of main and west.
GRAAAARGH splurk RFLTTITw Wfkrke Drurekf fhjdfklhr huldgjfhglf fjkldhf help jdfkghl bvdfuigoph. Box 3704
Large, spacious room for surprisingly little rent, must be willing to share with rather antisocial, unholy flesh-automaton, and irrational genius professor. House is subject to frequent lightning strikes, making it unsuitable for those with pacemakers. - Mr F, Box 3758
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Boats
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Luxurious cruise liner requires minor maintenance, you could own this one-of-a-kind Historic steamship.Buyer may need minor salvage gear to re-furbish vessel. available for inspection at 41°43′N 49°56′W. contact the White Star Line for details.
Sieves. they make excellent bouyancy aids. Try it and see, or your money back. Box 3273
Keep off Pirates with our patented Pirate-b-gone system. contains all you need to repel at least 47 pirates. refills available. Send for information. Box 3854.
Monkey see, Monkey do, which is a bit of a problem when you are trying not to start a thermonuclear war. offers for quick sale, - Please? Contact Chief Vet PO Mosley c/o HMS Spigot, somewhere in the atlantic. Box 2235
Float-a-goat inflatable goat rafts. made for goats, of goats, by goats. you cannot beat the best. box 2247
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