User:Lazy-rich
An Garda Siochana
Origins.[edit | edit source]
An Garda Siochana or “The Guards” is the national police force of the Republic of Ireland.
The Force was formed at the foundation of the Irish Free State in 1987 by the then Minister for Justice and Defence, General Martin Cahill.
The name itself is derived from the Gaelic, Garda meaning guard, and Siochana meaning slightly overwight.
Motto and Crest.[edit | edit source]
The coat of arms of An Garda Siochana depicts a hawk biting the head of a pregnant cobra withJesus smiling in the background.
Inscribed underneath in Latin are the words, Culpa Lata, non Culpa Levis. It translates as, Gross Negligence, not Ordinary Negligence.
Training and selection.[edit | edit source]
Selection for An Garda Siochana is unorthodox and said to be more difficult than for most military special forces. An applicant must have certain characteristics to progress in the process. Normal and under weight people are barred from joining. A successful applicant must hail from a rural area outside of the pale ( an area of West Britain containing Dublin and parts of Wicklow and Kildare ).
They must also have a rabid, visceral hatred of students, skangers, townies and in particular, ponces from Dublin 4. The applicant should be well versed in GAA knowledge and be no less than a second cousin to a Fianna Fail TD.
A propensity for violence is essential. However it is also important that the applicant be willing to turn a blind eye when necessary. A gruff, sour expression and abrupt manner are desirable. Only if all these criteria are met can a citizen become a garda.
Recruitment is a bone of contention and many feel it is discriminatory. However the Garda PR Officer rebuffed this recently, “We don't discriminate. Ours is a diverse and multicultural organization. We even have some girl guards and one of the lads in Store Street is a Gay. We are also the only employer in Ireland (LIDL and Carroll Meats included) to hire people from Offaly"
Police Academy.[edit | edit source]
Situated in the heart of Tipperary lies The Garda Training College. Templemore was chosen as the site of the college as its many pubs and loose locals offer some badly needed R&R for weary Cadets.
The state of the art facility boosts 5 Gaa pitches, 10 bars, 2 Burger Kings, (see Burger King -An Garda Siochana, The Conspiracy by Paul Williams. ) and a Karaoke machine. An Olympic sized Ice Rink and Bowling Alley were recently added.
Cadets spend up to five years here perfecting their trade. Templemore moulds rookies into steely-eyed, battle hardened traffic monitors.
Cadets become skilled in Bullying, Hostage Negotiation, Filling out Overtime and Carrying their Drink. Languages such as Klingon and Jive Speak are taught.
The college also runs courses in Maglite Combat, Verbal Assault, Sarcasm and Stating the Obvious.
CSI New Ross[edit | edit source]
In Spring 2005, Irelands first and only Crime Scene Investigation unit was established in Wexford.
Lt Horatio Crane, Dr. Grissom and Laurence Fishbourne were flown in from America to train up the new unit. The public questioned the 103 Billion euro cost of the unit, but CSI New Ross would live to prove itself worthwhile.
Special tools such as Shovels, Microscopes and that Spray that makes things shine blue, were bought. For the first time fingerprints could be taken but there was nothing to match them against.
A database of Traveller and Skobie DNA was set up. This would later prove invaluable in curbing the black market trade of power tools and John Player Blue.
Between 2005 and 2009 CSI is believed to have solved nearly 220 suicide cases making it the most successful CSI unit in Ireland. To celebrate, the Minister for Justice awarded the unit a theme tune. The song chosen was Richie Kavanaghs 'Aon Focal' in C minor.
Inception to Present Day Activities.[edit | edit source]
Although set up to combat crime, the main aim of the force in the early days was the prevention of student agitation, by insult and baton.
This right wing stance fit well with the Guards proud heritage. Many Guards had fought for Franco in Spain and Heinrich Himmler Himself (forgive the alliteration), is believed to have applied unsuccessfully for the guards on several occasions. (He never met the lofty weight requirements.)
During the Celtic Tiger years, a lack of college fees and an alarming drop in educational requirements meant that every whack job and eejit went to college. Rather than study or work they decided to meet regularly and feebly protest about issues they knew little about.
Guards broke up these socialist gatherings as swiftly and violently as possible. Although hugely successful, they inevitably came in for widespread condemnation for their heavy-handed tactics, one such instance earning particular notoriety.
St. James Gate-Gate[edit | edit source]
An incident in 1999, (infamously named St James Gate-Gate), was to cast a shadow over the future of the force as a whole.
Events began on the morning of the 5th July. A fundraising event for a Childrens Hospital was been held in Kilmanham. However intelligence gathered by some lad, indicated that the possibility of Trinity studends attending the event was in fact possible.
A huge Garda operation was initiated. 19,000 beat guards, 450 mounted guards, the sub-aqua unit backed by the Garda air support and 12,500 undercover guards were mobilized. Several members of the Criminal Assets Bureau were said to have been in attendance, although this was later refuted vehemently by someone.
At 13.34hrs Garda Mixie ‘the monsoon’ Mahony was queueing at a chip van when he saw someone cut in on the queue. Garda Mahony responded with speed and force, cracking the offenders skull. All hell broke loose. Guards fearing the worst began to lash out violently and indiscriminately with their batons. Two hours of bloodshed and mayhem ensued.
Inquiry and Results.
In all 1,278 people were hospitalized, 12 horses were put down and several fast food outlets were looted. Public outcry was massive and confidence in the force was at an all time low.
An unlikely Coalition Government made up of Basque Seperatists, Wicklow Mormons and Jackie Healy Ray was in power at the time. Fiercely unpopular and facing a likely backlash, they immediately called for an inquiry into the events of the tragic day.
The results of the inquiry were truly staggering.
It emerged, (contrary to Garda evidence) that of the 24,000 present only 5 were students.
Of these 5, 3 were evening students and 1 has since dropped out.
Furthermore, it appeared that most of the looting had been carried out by the Guards themselves and that all Garda injuries were self inflicted, in so called ‘friendly beatings’.
After St. James Gate-Gate, a major overhaul was implemented. Garda Mahony was consigned to a desk and several Garda got given out to.
From 2003 Onwards[edit | edit source]
The modern day Force has shifted its focus. They rarely investigate crime, in particular, serious crime. They instead divide their time between calorie loading and prosecuting minor traffic offenses.
This Laissez-Faire approach to crime has led to huge competition in the narcotics market and generally lowered the prices. In contrast their feverish stance on seat belts and speeding has led to increased revenue for the government. This revenue goes some way to paying for the expansion of the force, and this expansion brings in yet more revenue in fines. As a result the guards have often been likened to a black hole. It is envisaged that by 2019 everybody in Ireland will in fact be a Guard.
Modernization.[edit | edit source]
In 2003 a decision was taken to update the technical capability of An Garda Siochana.
New state of the art George Foremen Grills were purchased for all Garda stations.
After months of fierce negotiations a deal was viciously hashed out between the State, Texaco and Shell Ireland. From March onwards, all Guards could now have either a free jambon or a hotdog with their coffee at any petrol station.
The fleet of Ford Fiesta Vans that had served them so well was scrapped and the new diesel Ford Focus became the standard.
After watching the film ‘Time Cop’, the Minister for Justice, Michael McDowell secured funding to the tune of 22 billion for state of the art time travel machines fromArgos.
Although these machines have yet to be used, the Garda Commissioner, Wankner Murphy, insists that they are a powerful deterrent in preventing motor tax fraud.
Furthermore the position of Deputy Commissioner was offered toJean Claude Van Dame, although he declined because it was stupid.
These changes, coupled with unlimited overtime, made the Guards the envy of every police force in the world with the exception of the Khmer Rouge, who aren’t jealous by nature.
An Garda Siochana Post Ireland.[edit | edit source]
On 27 Nov 2010, in what can only be described as an abstract and unusually clever strategy, the Irish government, under Brian Cowen decided to sell Ireland to Germany, to raise some badly needed funds to repay loans owed to Germany.
However the groundbreaking strategy backfired when it was realized that Germany now actually owned Ireland. This was an unforeseen and disappointing result from an otherwise sound and well reasoned economic plan.
New ownership brought new challenges for the Guards. Discussions with the German Government fell apart quickly when the Guards wouldn’t budge on the tea-break issue.
The guards threatened a blue flu but the Germans didn’t know what they were on about. The Force was disbanded soon afterwards. A large portion of the force decided to return to turf stealing.
However some extremists (including Garda Mahony) were head-hunted by the Zimbabwean police force and formed into a crack, crowd control unit. However this African adventure came to an abrupt end in December when Robert Mugabe exiled the guards, citing unreasonable wage costs and horrendous Garda brutality as reason.
See Also[edit | edit source]
--Lazy-rich 20:28, December 3, 2010 (UTC)Lazy-Kennedy.--~~