User:Joe9320/Unquotable:Ancient Uncyclopedia
Uncyclopedia Purana, Canto 7, Chapter 15, Verses 0-32[edit | edit source]
UP 7.15.0: The great god Chronarion, said, "My dear Noob, in the future will arise a platform for humor to be known as the Internet (इंटरनेट) and it will exist in Cyber-space (सैबेर्स्पस). Denizens of this Cyber-space will be called Surfers (सुर्फेर्स). Some Internet surfers are very much attached to content, some are attached to facts, and still others study the references, whereas some, although very few, cultivate "misinformation" and they are called Uncyclopedians.
UP 7.15.1: "I will now describe to you how our ancient science of deadpan mirth should best be used by these surfers in the future. Please listen attentively for my words will be of great value thousands of years from now. Always bear in mind that a feature article or "FA" is the ultimate goal of realization in an Uncyclopedian's life.
UP 7.15.2: "A person desiring utter nonsense for themselves should give charity edits to an Uncyclopedian who strictly adheres to balderdash. In the absence of such a one, charity edits may be given to a noob masochist addicted to failure and getting kicked repeatedly in the groin.
UP 7.15.3: "During the period for offering misinformation to the masses, one should consult at least two sysops, and while offering lunacy to the forefathers, one may invite the forefathers and sysops. Or, in either case, only one Admin will suffice. Even though one Admin is very opulent, the noob should not make various excuses on such occasions.
UP 7.15.4: "If one arranges too many Surfing nominations, during the voting process there will be discrepancies in the time, place, nonsense, the article to be judged, the article to be ignored, and the method of mis-voting.
UP 7.15.5: "When one gets the opportunity of a suitable silly idea, one should, with love, offer cow pies to the creator-deity Chronarion and then eat that BS. This will be the cause of everlasting hilarity.
UP 7.15.6: "One should offer BS to Chronarion, the Sysops, one's noob guru, the Administrators in general, one's family members, one's relatives and one's friends, seeing them all as 'registered users' of Uncyclopedia.
UP 7.15.7: "A person fully aware of humor should never parody anything without reading How to be funny and not just stupid, and even if one is a Uncyclopedia surfer, he/she should not write parody without knowing How to be funny and not just stupid, otherwise it is displeasing to the Sysops, the Admins, other Uncyclopedians, and the creator-deity, Chronarion, who are never pleased when garbage gets written in the name of humor.
UP 7.15.8: "People who want to advance in article writing are advised to give up all false-ego and all envy of other Uncyclopedians, whether in relationship to the body, words or mind. There is no poppycock superior to this.
UP 7.15.9: "Because of an awakening of misinformation, those who are intelligent in regard to parody, who are actually aware of funny principles and who are free from FA desires, control the self in the fire of humor, or knowledge of the Absolute Lunacy. They may give up the process of getting Pee Reviews.
UP 7.15.10: "Upon seeing a kook unregistered user engaged in writing a bad article, surfers meant to read it are extremely irate, thinking, This total jerk, being ignorant of the purpose of parody, and being most satisfied by boring others, will surely bore us!
UP 7.15.11: "Therefore, day by day, one who is actually aware of deadpan humor and is not heinously envious of good writers should happily compose daily articles and also articles for certain occasions such as UnNews.
UP 7.15.12: "There are three types of "BS" which all appropriately lead to deletion: 1) Pretentious BS, 2) Analogical BS and 3) Memeological BS -- One who is aware of real satire must abandon these three as NOT funny.
UP 7.15.13: "Corny principles that obstruct one from following their own style are called rules. Humorous rules introduced by others are called humorous rules introduced by others. A new type of trash created by one who is falsely proud and who opposes the principles of Uncyclopedia is called foolish by the humorous.
UP 7.15.14: "A pretentious humor system manufactured by one who willfully neglects deadpan humor is called pretentious humor system manufactured by one who willfully neglects deadpan humor. Yet if one sticks to deadpan humor as advised by their particular noob adopter, that may still not be sufficient to progress to a feature article.
UP 7.15.15: "Even if a person is dead-pan, they should still endeavor to improve their humorous condition by making a how to be funny link on their UserPage. Just as a great python, although lying in one place, not endeavoring for its livelihood, gets the food it needs to maintain body and soul, one who is ego-less also obtains his humor without much endeavor.
UP 7.15.16: "One who is content and satisfied and who links his activities with the great punch line residing in everyone's heart enjoys good parody without endeavoring for any awards. Where is such happiness for an Unregistered kook who is impelled by ego and greed and who therefore wanders in all directions with a desire to have even one lousy article stick?
UP 7.15.17: "For a person who has suitable shoes on their feet, there is no danger even when they walk on pebbles and thorns. For them, everything is auspicious. Similarly, for one who always remembers the rules enunciated in HTBFANJS there is no distress; indeed, they feel happiness everywhere.
UP 7.15.18: "My dear Noob, a self-satisfied person can be completely happy with only a simple UnNews feature. However, one who is driven by the desire for FA fame must accept the position of a household dog to satisfy their appetite.
UP 7.15.19: "Because of greed for a feature article , the humor, strength, education, austerity and reputation of a noob who is not self-satisfied dwindle, and his sense of humor gradually vanishes.
UP 7.15.20: "The strong egotistical desires and needs of a person are certainly satisfied when they get a feature article. But if one is unsuccessful and becomes very angry, that anger is met by chastisement and its reaction, i.e., getting banned. As for a Feature Article, even if a greedy person has conquered all the directions of the world or has enjoyed everything in the world, still they will not be satisfied unless they get a feature article.
UP 7.15.21: "O Noob! Many surfers with varied experience, many legal advisers, many learned scholars and many great persons eligible to become presidents of learned assemblies will fall down into hellish life because of not being featured on Uncyclopedia.
UP 7.15.22: "By making plans with determination, one should give up selfish desires for an feature article. Similarly, by giving up envy one should conquer care, by discussing the disadvantages of going to jail one should give up greed, and by telling jokes one should give up fear.
UP 7.15.23: "By getting a Pee Review one can conquer illusion, by serving a great Local one can become pride less, by keeping silent one can avoid obstacles on the path of silence, and simply by quitting Uncyclopedia one can conquer nothing.
UP 7.15.24: "By good behavior and freedom from envy one should counteract sufferings due to other Uncyclopedians by meditation in trance. One should dream up a nonsense story, and by practicing writing, grammar and so forth one should counteract disappointment due to having no one vote for their bad article.
UP 7.15.25: "One must conquer the mode of badness by developing the mode of goodness, and then one must become detached from the mode of goodness by promoting oneself to the platform of Sysop. All this can be automatically done if one engages in the service of the Noob adopter with faith and devotion.
UP 7.15.26: "The Noob adopter should be considered to be directly the Noob adopter because he gives knowledge of parody. Consequently, for one who maintains the mundane conception that the Noob adopter is an ordinary joker, everything is frustrated.
UP 7.15.27: "The Supreme Personality of Uncyclopedia, Lord Chronarion, is the master of all other funny guys. Great saintly jokers seek his blessings. Nonetheless, there are fools who consider Lord Chronarion an ordinary comedian.
UP 7.15.28: "Hazing ceremonies, Uncyclopedia principles, study, and the practice of rewriting are all meant for getting a FA, but even after one is nominated, if they do not come to the point of humor - in honor of Lord Chronarion - then all such activities are simply labor in frustration.
UP 7.15.29: "As professional activities or business profits cannot help one in parody but are a source of contented entanglement, the Uncyclopedia guidelines cannot help anyone who is not a devotee of the great god Chronarion.
UP 7.15.30: "One who desires a feature article must leave the company of their family and live in a solitary place, seated in front of their PC (or Computer in case of Apple) free from serious association. To maintain the body and soul together, they should beg as much as needed for the bare necessities of life."