User:Hellheart/Glow In The Dark Ninja Suits

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Glow-in-the-Dark Ninja Suits[edit | edit source]

“MY LEG!”

~ A Victim on Glow-in-the-Dark Ninja Suits



The Early Years[edit | edit source]

Glow in the Dark Ninja Suits (GitDNS) were first discovered Dr. Godot, Ph.D, D.D.S, P.C., M.D., B.B.A and practicing proctologist shortly before the dinosaurs devoured the internet. While initially very popular as a new fashion fad, these suits were thought to be ineffective in the everyday life of the ninja, which normally involves stalking, murdering, stealing, tea, and crumpets. However, these suits have many advocates who insist that they make the ninjas more invisible than the more conventional mauve and hot pink suits. This assumption relies on the nonexistant paradox, which is a simple proof that goes as follows:

  1. That Ninja glows in the dark
  2. Humans can't glow in the dark
  3. Thus That Ninja is an alien
  4. Aliens cannot be ninjas[1]
  5. Thus that Ninja is not a Ninja
  6. Ninjas who are not Ninjas do not exist
  7. Therefore, That Ninja does not exist

The Lean Years[edit | edit source]

Very few actual studies have been made on the effects of GitDNS. In order to gather actual statistics, data must be gathered in a laboratory environment. Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to find sane, willing test subjects, as no self-respecting ninja would sneak around if he couldn't kill someone. The researchers that continue to search for willing participants brush off the possibility that they volunteer themselves by muttering something about "violation of the double-blind testing procedure," although it's hard to imagine that you'd need a ninja to kill a pirate wearing two eyepatches. Unless he uses The Force. [2]

Ninja sightings have increased by 450.35% since the introduction of GitDNS into select test markets, including 15 midget Ninjas, the first such discovered since that famous "Double Midgetation" scandal that was on the telly some time ago, right after that episode of Eastenders, I remember it like it was yesterday. Critics of these statistics point out that some people discover these ninjas because they are looking for things that glow, particularly hippies, ravers, and my mom. Critics of these critics claim that "ninjas that glow in the dark are twice as nutritious as regular ninjas, yet contain less than half of the saturated fat!" Critics of nothing in particular claim that 7 out of 10 ninjas prefer milk chocolate Ovaltine over other beverages. This criticism was rebuffed by the now-famous utterance: "Midget ninjas! OMG! We are doomed! I'm coming, Elizabeth!"

The Following Statements Are Not Necessarily Those of Uncyclopedia, Hellheart, Llamas, or Chuck Norris. Stop Sending Flame Mail, Seriously, We Get Enough Spam As It Is[edit | edit source]

Of course, this criticism against GitDNS is stupid, moronic, retarded, stupid, pointless, without any merit whatsoever even in Haiti, stupid, primitive, uncultured, uncivilized, barbaric, and everybody hates it but they pretend not to and stuff. I mean, seriously, GitDNS are FABULOUS. I mean, did you see Hiroshi at that party last night? I didn't either, because he was wearing a GitDNS, but I bet he was absolutely STUNNING. And those muscles! Oh, I could just DIE in his arms!

GitDNS come in several basic colors, matching all of the more easily-ejected bodily fluids. You don't want to stain your brand new GitDNS, do you? That's $39.95 down the drain because you forgot that you're going to kill someone with a sword instead of putting poison in their Cheat-O's. Stupid, stupid, stupid, you poor excuse for a ninja, what are you going to wear to the ball now[3]? Do you think the Emperor won't notice the immense bloodstain on your clothing? Are you going to fake the Ebola virus and be like "A thousand pardons, Your Eminence, but I am hemmorhaging from every orifice and cannot control it." It's not like the guards are going to go "Hey, there's a vertical bloodstain floating around! You don't see that every day! I'm going to get its autograph!"

People need to grow up. GitDNS are here and they're here to STAY[4]. Boohoo, what's always worked in the past is changing...BIG DEAL. Get a life, you loser. Wait, wait, not MINE! Please, I'll give you anything, just put down that sword, and that other sword, and those nunchucks, and the three shuriken, and those knives!

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ Except the aliens that illegally cross our borders and take the jobs from Honest Hardworking Americans. They don't count because they don't glow in the dark. Unless they work in a nuclear facility.
  2. ↑ Incidentally, ninjas that use The Force also glow in the dark, but large glowing cylinders that hum everytime they move half an inch are not very high on the list of the most stealthy weapons; plus, those things scare the shit out of everyone! [Ed - actually, certain women seem to find them very appealing]
  3. ↑ Most likely a toga
  4. ↑ Unless they're moving around because they're being worn by ninjas
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